Doctor, Doctor

"Yes, Giles. Yes. I'm sure. Yes. Yes. Yes!" Xander felt his grip tighten on the phone in his hand as he lost his temper. "I'm sure it was a succubus. Because theres no way that Buffy got double D implants and came all the way out here to bumfuck nowhere to show them off to me by rubbing my face in them before riding me like a horse for over an hour!"

He panted for breath after yelling.

"Ah." Giles said softly. "Yes."

"Now..." Xander took a deep breath and let it out, trying to keep a positive frame of mind he thought of something and sang out, "Doctor, Doctor, Mister M.D. Can you tell me whats wrong with me?"

"Uhm...." Giles dithered.

"Giles." He used a warning tone. "You said you need two hours the first time I called. I gave you two hours. What did you learn in those two hours?"

"Yes. Well... you see, Xander, it's practically unheard of to, to, to fight off a succubus mid feeding. One Watcher managed but by the time he fought his way to freedom he had been aged to a 90 year old man. Its theorized that the Succubus just let him go more then he fought his way free. Most men die once a Succubus begins to feed."

"Of course." Xander groaned and sat down on the motel rooms one provided chair. He looked at the purple pink stain on the bed, the one with the Xander shaped void in the middle of it. He woke up right there covered head to toe in a weird crusting pink purple demon goo.

Xander shuddered, he really felt like taking another shower. The two he took inbetween calling Giles the first time and calling Giles just now hadnt left him feeling clean. He knew it was all in his mind. Mostly. Maybe. But there was always the possibility...

"That one Watcher said, before he died of old age, that escaping the succubus would be like tearing his own arm off." Giles rambled.

"Yeah. Yup. Sounds about right. Killing it... it was... God, Giles, you cant imagine. You know, YOU KNOW, its killing you but its... its... fuck... its paradise." Xander closed his eyes. "You have to be willing give up paradise with the girl you always wanted..."

"Ah." Giles went quiet for a few minutes.

Taking a deep breath Xander pressed on with the reason he had called his quasi mentor. "So whats the what when it comes to succubus goo? Do I have to worry about demon contamination?"

"Right." Giles cleared his throat. "There are less then a handful of succubus survivors that I have found. The most common effect noted among the affected is that, um, after copulation the man's penis is, typically, red and swollen."

Xander moved his post shower towel around his waist out of the way and looked down at his junk. It was indeed red and swollen. "Check."

"Yes. Well. That is by and large the sum total of what we know." Giles sounded sympathetic. "Outside of premature aging. Are you...?"

Xander nodded, "Yeah theres some silver up there now." He ran a hand thru his hair unconsciously, "A little salt and pepper all over, not much in the way of the Reed Richards/Hal Jordan temples." He laughed.

"Right." Giles sounded confused. "Are you... well... yourself?"

"Still young. Not an old man." Xander answered. "Maybe a year or two older to go with the hair going gray."

"That is... that is... good." Giles sounded relieved. "The few stories I've found arent, uh, arent, um..."

Xander nodded his head, "Outlook not so good."

"Yes. Unfortunately." Giles answered.

"Do I need to worry about becoming a chick or something? Becoming a succubus myself?" Xander asked.

"No. Thankfully we know how succubi reproduce. They do more then just feed while engaged in sex. They reproduce the same way we do. Intercourse. Sperm. Egg. What have you. Succubi do have a slightly accelerated pregnancy. Barely a month from what we have observed." Giles lectured.

"Sooooo, I lucked out?" Xander asked.

"You have the devils own luck, my boy. Neither succubus blood nor ichor have any effect on human beings. You have nothing to fear from exposure to those fluids. That we do know. During the 1800s they were hunted as a source for aphrodisiacs. The aphrodisiacs turned out to be completely useless no matter how much of the succubi's, uh, fluids were used in their creation."

"Arent I a lucky boy." Xander sighed.

Giles sounded both impressed and depressed. "To do what you did... I cant imagine."

"Oh yeah. Heaven and hell all wrapped up in one." Xander grumbled.

"Well, I would recommend that you come back to Sunnydale-"

"Abandon my vacation!" Xander yelped.

"But I know that would be a fools errand." Giles chuckled. "I will merely hope that you check in frequently should anything else occur. Which, given your luck..."

"Will happen." Xander whined.

"Good day Xander. Try and stay safe." Giles chided as he hung up.

Listening to the dial tone Xander couldnt help but feel like he had missed something when talking to Giles. It was an itch in the back of his mind. But he remebered the blood, he remembered the succubus goo... what could he be forgetting?