Defend (End)

Attacking either one of these walking pork balls would leave her open for a painful counterattack from the other. Texas knew these two well enough to know that. Instead, what the weasel needed to do was bide her time and not get flanked. These two got frustrated easily. So long as Texas kept blocking and dodging, they’d start to lose their temper and get sloppy. That was when she needed to strike As the two plump porcines approached, the weasel kept her fists raised, not engaging either of them.

Wait for it…

The two pigs closed in fast, and Jane threw the first punch, which Texas weathered easily, but Jesse followed up quickly. Texas dodged the second blow, but by the time she had recovered, Jane was on her again with two quick jabs. Jumping back, the weasel put some distance between her and the two pigs, who were still grinning behind their bandanas.

Ah ain’t there yet. Just gotta be patient. They’ll get mad soon enough.

Texas took a deep breath and blocked a powerful haymaker from the left, but immediately took a blow to the ribs on the right, Jane having delivered a vicious kick.

“Oooh! That looked painful, Tex!” The pig laughed while her sister, working in unison, moved in to grab Tex’s braid. Just in time, the weasel recovered and pushed her away, sending Jesse stumbling back, but Jane was coming at her again. Hopping back again to get some more space, the weasel grit her teeth and kept her fists raised.

Why ain’t they angry yet? They’ve only gotten one hit on me, an’-

A fist swung at Texas from red-bandana’d pig, and Texas hopped back yet again. Only this time, her back to hit solid metal. With a blink of surprise, the weasel glanced behind herself and saw the solid black steel of the safe. It had been a trap. She thought she was playing them, but they were playing her, and now there was nowhere to escape to.

The weasel turned back just in time to block a slug to the jaw, but the second she stopped that, Jesse’s fist smacked into her ribs. The weasel gasped and bent over, seeing Jesse going for a follow-up blow, but as she was focused on that, her attention had shifted off the other pig. A powerful stomp to the weasel’s foot from Jane made her yelp and drop her guard a fraction, allowing Jesse’s blow to strike true.

WHAM! Went Jesse’s fist into the weasel’s stomach

“Wow Tex!” Said Jesse

SMACK! Went Jane’s foot into her groin

“It’s almost like letting us gang up on you” Said Jane

CRUNCH! Went Jesse’s head into her muzzle

“Was a really, really bad idea!” Jesse laughed.

In front of them, the weasel was swaying in a punch-drunk daze, her jacket half-slipped off and her hat crooked on her head. She opened her mouth to say something, but Jane’s knee slammed into her stomach, doubling her over and making her eyes go wide. Jane withdrew her leg, and with a weak whimper, the weasel toppled to her knees. Above her, the two pigs grinned and nodded to each other. Time to finish her off.

Tex was desperately sucking air into her lungs and trying to push herself back into the fight. She planted a hand on the wooden floor and pushed her upper body upright, but as her blurry vision swam back into focus, she wished it hadn’t. With the sheriff down, the two fat pigs had both spun around, Jesse to the left and Jane to the right, so that they were pretty much standing either side of the weasel. However, these two weren’t exactly skinny, the exact opposite in fact, being akin to extremely large hourglasses in shape, and with them spinning around so quickly, it meant that they had both built up rather a lot of momentum... With a loud SMACK, the two giant butts had come curving around and crashed together like twin wrecking balls, Jesse and Jane hip-bumping hard into each other and sandwiching Texas right in the middle. The weasel was able to let out a brief scream of sheer terror, which was of course appreciated by the twins, before her entire upper body and head were reduced to paper between the meaty, barely-contained butts of the pigs. Instantly they burst out into uproarious laughter at the sound of the sheriff squashing between them, and in doing so let loose with an unaware burst of piggy flatulence from their squashed together backsides which, while they weren’t being blasted directly in the weasel’s face given the positioning, Texas could most definitely smell. Between them, the weasel’s legs and what was left un-smashed of her arms twitched and struggled, but the two twins held strong, even rubbing their butts against each other a little.

“You like it, Tex?” Jane called out between laughs and gaseous explosions. “We call it the ham sandwich!”

“Yeah, but you’re the meat!!” Jesse finished, the two of them redoubling their laughter, causing their whole bodies to jiggle, and their butts to smash together around the weasel even more. Finally, when the hilarity had died down, the pigs simultaneously stepped away, and allowed the half-flat weasel to flop down on her side, an expression of surprise and horror on her face.

“You ever see anything so flat, Jane?” Jesse laughed, bending over and putting her hands on her knees to get a good look at the weasel.

“Once, when I saw Roxxie butt-slamming April.” Jane said, leaning down and mirroring her sister’s posture. “But we can make her flatter!” As the weasel looked up from her paralytically flattened state, she was greeted by the sight of both heavy hogs turning around and leaping into the air, coming down with a double butt slam.

“GERONIMO!!” They screamed in unison, before the two giant, gassy boar butts, each one half as wide as Texas was tall, slammed down on top of what was left of the sheriff, and utterly demolished her with a loud SQUISH!

“Woof! You two sure did a number on her.” Georgia chuckled, looking down at the floor with the two proud pigs flanking her on either side. “I reckon she’s gonna be flat for a good day at least! An’ it’ll take weeks for her to get the smell out.”

“Good thing we stopped for those burritos beforehand!” Jane snickered, swaying her butt to one side and letting out a tiny squeak of a fart, almost mocking compared to what the weasel had gone through. For the last hour the pig siblings, regarded as two of the smelliest souls in Gold Springs, had been using Texas as their personal cushion while they cracked open the safe, and they hadn’t been holding back with the gas. They had let loose with a typhoon of foul fumes, farting up a storm so that now the entire carriage reeked… but not as much as Texas did.

And speaking of Texas, the last hour of being sat on, ground on, farted on and sweated on hadn’t done her any favours, and while she had certainly been flat before, she was now stretched out over the 6 foot by 3 foot area that the two pigs massive butts had encompassed, and pressed hard into the wood. As Georgia watched, she could see visible wisps of piggy stench curl off the weasel, who’s sickly-green face portrayed a deep, dazed, nausea.

“So… Can we keep her?” Jesse asked with a grin, looking up at Georgia with a twinkle in her eyes. The mare just chuckled, then shook her head.

“Sorry girls, ya did good, but I ain’t gonna risk her bouncing back and messin’ this whole thing up.” She said, her eyes sliding up and across the room, taking in the rest of its contents. “But that don’t mean she don’t have to suffer…” The massive mare said, walking up to one of the mailbags that littered the room and opening it up, grabbing a letter from inside.

“Peel her up, girls! We’re sending her to a good home.”

It was early morning in Gold Springs, the hot sun just beginning to crest over the horizon. All week, everyone had been talking about the daring train heist pulled off by Georgia and her gang, as well as the disappearance of the town’s star sheriff. For most people, they assumed the worst (or best, depending on your point of view), and one such person was Annabelle, the huge cow bartender and owner of The Crushed Weasel. Currently, she was rolling the last few drunks out from the night before, but as the final pickled rat was thrown into the dusty street, she noticed a letter sticking out from her doormat, presumably delivered not long ago by the very slow postal service.

As she picked up the letter, she recoiled at the stench of pig ass coming off it. However, intrigued, she held her breath and opened it up.

And grinned.

Inside was Texas. Flattened, folded, and absolutely filthy with pig farts, which she had been stewing in for an entire week. Her eyes were unfocused, dazed, but as Annabelle opened up the letter, they slowly drifted over to look at her.

“Howdy, Sheriff.” Annabelle said happily. “Have a little trouble with your last job?” The weasel gave a weak whimper, and Annabelle’s grin widened. “Well, don’t you worry, Tex, you’ll be back to helping people in no time!” She said, grinning and stomping inside with the letter clutched in her fist.

“After all, we were out of toilet paper.”

Bad End: The Ham Sandwich.