Dec 9th: The TV Rulebook Shuffle

“Welcome, dear children!”

The apparition moved in a way you seemed to understand was greeting you inwards. You would never describe this shadowy creature as ‘grinning’ as you could not discern any facial features besides those beaming yellow cat eyes, but whatever approximation it could attempt this would be the closest.

You followed its gangly black arm’s direction, taking your place in this squished, shadowy, yet homely abode to sit on the scratchy tartan armchair. It would take some time before you’d feel confident to take a seat next to it on the leather couch.

“I see the traffic fared you well tonight,” It spoke softly, but only by the design of its voice. An ironic statement considering the hour of solitude it took to drive here. “I am pleased to have an audience once more. Thank you for entertaining an old wicked soul.”

You shrugged, giving a half smile and a pleasantry before getting comfortable for the night.

“So many worlds to touch, so little time.” The thing chuckled, reaching towards the television that the furniture gazed towards, “I thought we’d try an… anthology of sorts tonight. See how certain scenarios fair when introduced to Item R, what do you say?”

Sounded fun enough, and after a quick nod the thing’s non-grin widened, “Oh, I’m so happy you feel the same way~”

With a fizz of electricity, the room illuminated with crackling white static. Slowly forming into an image you’d seen many times over the years…

“Hey Homer. What do you have there?”

The Springfield nuclear power plant at sector 7G was visited by two regulars. Lenny looking over his friend’s shoulder while Carl drank some coffee with his usual uninterested demeanour. It was certainly strange for the fat man in the seat to be reading anything.

“I think someone left their notebook here? But it just has a bunch of instructions to rule the world or something.” Homer frowned, looking over the first page of notes before flipping through an otherwise empty book, “Wait! What if it’s Burns’ book?! Do you think this is a test to make sure I’m loyal to him in his uprising?!”

“If it is Burns’ then you should return it,” said Carl, slurping away while a thought crossed his mind, “Buuut, if we could learn how to rule the world from him fiiiirst~”

“Oh! I like Carl’s idea!”

“Yeah. Obviously you do.”

Lenny raised an eyebrow, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Get your own voice already.”

As the married couple bickered, Homer once more read the instructions. Seemed simple enough, even if it was implying some weird reality changing magic in the process. But then, in for a penny, use penny for goods and services, etc. etc.

He scribbled a hypothetical ‘rule’ change like the book told him to.

“Anyway, Homer, what are you still doing here?” Asked Lenny, stopping their argument immediately.

“Hm?”

“It’s 12:04, shouldn’t you be out catching the donuts raining from the sky?”

“HHMMMM!?!”

He was gone. Leaving his notebook behind to take advantage of the heavenly pastries falling from on high.

He would not return to work again for several hours.

“Hmm, how disappointingly average…” The apparition sighed, “At least this one has used it now to make his friend fall in love with him, but perhaps their desires fall too far out of true sexual fun.” It shook its head slowly, and clicked whatever appendage it used as a tongue. “‘Networks’. Perhaps the next show will provide some more entertainment?”

“There! Another rule to make all Pawnee parks stay perfectly clean and full of happy people for the next 1,000 years!” Leslie beamed, happy with her work before a thought shot into her head, “Oh! I should add infinite waffle stands as well! Nope. That’d be already part of the happy parks. How could you be happy without waffles?”

Ben frowned. This was very strange, though he was happy that his wife had added a rule to say he wasn’t affect by her reality changes. “This is… perhaps the most ethical unethical event of my life.”

The blonde smiled while blowing him off, “Come on sour patch. I’m making the world better! We both agreed to this!”

“...I guess…” He nodded, sitting down on the chair in Leslie’s office, “Even though there’s no one I’d want the Rulebook to go to, reality changing just feels inherently wrong. You’ve become a God, Leslie…”

“Hey! I had my fun, I made Joe Biden president, so now I’m focused on saving the world. You can’t tell me you’d prefer me to have kept Global Warming?”

Another sigh from her tall boy, “No… no. I just hope the power doesn’t go to your head.”

“It won’t!”

VWEEEEE

“Ben~?”

“Right, right. The claxon means that I dance…” He grumbled, beginning his strip show as some more beefcake backup dancers joined him in Ms. Knope’s supreme court office.

“Little I can do to guide the item to the right person… takes enough energy to get it into the universe… Ah, now here’s a show that has some sex drive.”

Penny gagged on King Howard’s massive cock. The blonde’s head bobbing back and forth on his wide tip as quickly as she could while her fellow **** girls tended to his girth lower down. Missy Cooper was spreading her saliva around his girth while Amy kissed and lathered his massive nutsack.

All the **** girls were dressed in their pure white wedding dresses (with their pussies and breasts on show) as their marriages to King Howard became finalised.

Only Bernadette, the original wife, was away from his massive shlong to make out with their new husband. Praising him for being so amazing and fantastical, as Penny thoroughly agreed he was.

She was already pregnant with his child after all, so it made sense that her old weaker husband was officiating her new marriage. Leonard, Sheldon, and Raj all thanking Howard for taking care of their girlfriends.

“There we go! Finally, a warm blooded scumbag to take care of the women.” A soft chuckle emanated off the walls, “Perhaps there shall be more if we delve deeper? Time for a montage perhaps?”

In a certain New York apartment lay three naked beauties.

“Yeah, Mike says he’s fine with it, obviously.” Phoebe explained to her friend, “And I think I can get Ursula down next week to come fill her belly too. OH! Do you think we’ll have matching babies?!”

The audience laughed as Monica smiled at the blonde’s quirkiness, “Maybe? Probably not super identical, but twins… DNA… same father… sounds about right. What do you think, Rach?”

“AAHH FUUUCCKKKK YEEESSSSSS!!!!!”

“Yeah, I think she agrees,” Phoebe nodded, earning another laugh from those beyond.

“Thanks for doing this again, gals.” said Monica, taking both of her friend’s hands in hers, “I had no idea that Chandler had a breeding fetish, so it means a lot that you’d help us out. I can only have so many babies myself!”

“It’s not like we had much of a choice, Mon. We do have to follow the rules, after all.” Phoebe casually shrugged, “But I don’t mind anyway. I’m just excited to finally get fucked by Chandler! From the way you two kept moaning about him, I thought I was always gonna be left out!”

“NAAHAHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Rachel screamed as bubbling jism spewed inside her womb. The woman known far and wide for her attractive face had said face scrunched into unrecognisable pleasured scowl, raking her nails against Chandler’s back while he pumped rope after rope of cum inside her pussy. Finally collapsing back onto the bed while his eternal erection scraped out of her.

“Hehe. Could I BE any more hung?”

“No, sir~”

“Peeterr! You know the ruleee~ Time to do some licky licky on your hotty wifey~”

“Man, this is worse than the time I had to lick the vagina of tennis player Emma Radacanu.”

“...you did what?”

“LET ME DREAM LOIS!”

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia. Where one could argue it is always sunny.

“There! I made her a bird! SEE?!”

Charlie turned, “Dee’s always been a bird, what are you talking about?”

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that. Why do you guys keep a live animal in the bar again?” asked the older man at the bar while having to bat the ostrich away from his peanuts, “Getaway!”

“I dunno, Frank. I guess… we thought it’d be our gimmick? Admittedly pretty stupid in retrospect.” Dennis sighed, thinking about ways to sell Deeandra the ostrich before getting distracted by Mac’s scribbling, “What have you got there?”

“Uhh… nothing?”

“I’ve never seen you write anything, let me-oh wait. I’m gay now and wish to suck your cock.”

“FINALLY!”

Throwing the book to the bar, Mac quickly dragged Dennis to the back to live out a fantasy he’d had for a while.

Leaving the book right in front of Charlie.

“Hm? What’s this? A real book? Of course it's a real book. What a stupid-OOhh shit! Does this thing make imaginary friends real or something?!”

While Frank battled the bird and Mac got to grips with gay Dennis, Charlie decided to try and doodle a creature that had been on his mind since childhood.

By the morning, reality would turn into an abstract mess similar to a M.C. Escher painting due to Mr. Kelly’s chicken scratchings.

“I know you’re using some mass mind control device,” The blonde scowled, making the boy on the throne quake in his boots, “You’ve manipulated and **** so many. I can’t figure out how you’re doing it yet, but I will.”

Her screwdriver scanned the air, trying to find the trace amounts of reality changing energy that was affecting the pocket of time.

“Ugh, nothing.” The doctor sighed, suddenly realising something, “Wait! Obviously I can’t think very well because I haven’t eaten any cum this morning! Everyone knows women think better when they’re full of male jism. Must still not be used to this new body!”

“I-I’ll happily donate… to help you think…”

“Would ya?! Oh man, that’d be great. Maybe I was wrong about you, Jeremy!” Beamed the blonde alien, quickly falling to her knees in front of him, “Mind if I tuck in?”

“Hey Finn.”

“Hey Jake.”

“PB still dancing for you, huh?”

“Mmmhmmm.”

The dog sighed, not really seeing the appeal of her dancing this way for so long but knowing it appeased his buddy. Plus, it was in her contract as Finn’s new girlfriend that she had to do as he wanted for at least an hour a day.

“Okay, bud. Just… try to make time for her needs as well, okay?” He tried to give as best advice he could, patting his entranced friend on the shoulder before getting on with his day.

On the Baywatch channel, Pamela Anderson’s giant knockers were going very slowly up and down a 10 inch black cock.

“W-well hey Rick, what you got there?”

“Morty, I found this book that can change reality by writing in it. So I -burp- turned it into a gun.”

“W-why would you do that Rick? Shouldn’t you have just used it for its original purpose?”

“Fap stories with no consequences are too fucking dull, Morty! W-W-What would I use it for? By the show’s own logic I can do whatever I like, and we don’t even have any recurring female characters for me to bone! What, am I supposed to use it to fuck your mom?! Sister?!”

“I-I-I dunno Rick… just feels like a wasted oppor-”

“Shut up, Morty! I could bone anyone I want to without the need of half baked reality magic! I turned it into a gun to at least kill any gods or time lords that try to show up around here!”

In the deep recesses of the batcave, the bat phone was slowly put down after a disastrous call with the mayor.

“I say, good chum. It seems the Joker is up to his no good tricks again! He’s got some kind of mind controlling super device called… the Rulebook.”

“Jumping Jackalopes, Batman! It’s a good thing we’re wearing our Anti-Rulebook underwear today, am I right?”

“That you are, my fine minded companion. But unfortunately… I’m not sure Batgirl ever got the memo!”

They turned on the large bat-screen to cut to a warehouse where they watched a woman in only a single mask and cape get railed from behind by Gotham’s most criminal clown. “OOHHH! OH FUCK ME HARD, YOU MASSIVE MONSTER YOU!”

“Hahaha! What a foul mouthed bat! I wonder how we’ll ever clean that out?”

“Oh, I have a few ideas~” Another voice purred, suddenly appearing on top of the box they were leaning on to wrap her naked legs around Batgirl’s face, “Lick me, young thing.”

“Hoohoo! I’ve heard of a cat getting your tongue, but this is ridiculous! HAHAHA!”

“Hitchcock! Mmf!”

“Yes, oh Amy dear?”

“You know it’s ALL of our jobs to clean your penis, so quit letting Rosa eat all your delicious smegma first!” She growled in frustration, having to lick the errant scraps of tasty cheese from his glans. Swirling the massive cock around while slowly delving her throat deeper around it.

The bald man sneered at her happily, loving the feeling of snooty bitch mouth around his girth, “Aww, well how about this…” He chuckled while writing something down again, “You get exclusive rights to Scully’s dick cheese, if I get to put a baby in you.”

“DEAL!”

She practically ripped her dress apart to spread her legs for the man. Very eager to take him up on the deal while unzipping the pants of his portly bro. “W-wow! Thanks Hitchcock,! A-and Amy!”

As the officer tried to spear herself on the gross man, she was bumped by another woman.

“That isn’t fair!” Rosa angrily slammed her hands on his desk, weakening it significantly while her maid outfit made her huge chest jiggle around, “I wanted your baby way before Amy did!”

Gina snaked her way behind him, “Or you could just give your seed to whoever you think is the hottest~”

“Ladies! Ladies!” He slowly calmed them down, “First of all, where are your manners?”

“Sorry master…”

“That’s better. Now, why don’t we all just settle this the old fashioned way?”

It was Rosa that won the titfuck contest and earned the right to be first impregnated. Though her friend’s were eagerly next in line.

A few more shows were shoved into the montage of changing channels, only getting a fleeting notice while the creature explored his far reaching damage:

The Power Rangers were now owned by Rita Repulsa, who had corrupted them and separated them to either fuck her or get fucked by Zedd.

An eighteen year old Steve Smith had lost his virginity and then some. Thanks to the collective efforts of his mother, sister, and entire female population of the school.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer had managed to figure out how to defeat the one using the book. Though not without some minor cognitive changes that made her keep a vibrator in her panties for the foreseeable future.

The Squid Games were cancelled.

Though she regretted it initially, Robin could get used to her new girlfriend Nancy.

Some shows managed to fight back against their Rulebook owners. Blood trickled down the book whence the Mandalorian sniped a man on the capitol planet, the adults of Riverdale had certainly dealt with weirder, Homelander lay dead at Butcher's feet, and a little man named Earl managed to use the power of Karma to defeat their ruler.

Ted finally got to meet the mother of his future children. It just turned out to be seventeen different women, that he definitely seduced with no outside help.

The TVA was now under new management, as Brad sat atop the throne where the one who remained once sat. A cacophony of women throughout all of time lining up to get a taste of the new god of the multiverse.

Surprisingly, there were some bonds so strong that meant some Rulebooks were shared. Annie was being spit roasted, bouncing between the cocks of best bros Troy and Abed… while in a similar move, Turk and JD clinked their drinks on their new yacht with their wives, Carla and Elliot, in nothing but slingkinis.

Black Mirror, The X-Files, and The Twilight Zone all had special episodes showing the dangers of using The Rulebook.

Titfucks on Game of Thrones. A massive gangbanging on Westworld. The royal women of The Crown were comparing how much cum they had collected on their bras and panties.

Pam sucked Michael’s dick. Jim looked at the camera.

But there was one TV show the creature lingered on…

“And so we can say for certain that the one using the Rulebook was you!” Velma announced, taking the mask off of the strange creature to reveal-

“Mayor Tompkins?!”

“Grrr, all I wanted was to change reality to make the rides less safe! Then I could sell the fairground and use the land to make it my own personal brothel! And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

“Jeepers! This guy is a real creep!”

“Good thing he’ll be put behind bars, right gang?”

“ROOBY ROOBY ROO!”

The audience clapped, though strangely the episode wasn’t over yet.

“Like, what’s up Velm? Is that the, hehe, -gulp-, th-the evil Rulebook?”

“That’s right Shaggy,” The orange one nodded, “I can’t help but think something more nefarious is afoot. And that maybe this reality changing notebook came from somewhere beyond where we kn-”

The TV was off now. Not even static on the screen.

“Huff. Never putting one of my items in there again.” The apparition grumbled, “If there’s one group you don’t want to mess with, it’s the Scooby gang.”

With a shudder, it turned back towards you. “Well, that was all for this week, my children. A nice little tour through so many universes, but perhaps we’ll visit one or two again next time? I always appreciate our time together… hmhmhm…”

With a final nod, you leave the home of the apparition and return to your own world once more. Hearing only one final call out as you closed the dark wooden door.

“Next week: movies!”