Dear consumers

You have stuff. I have stuff too. We all have stuff, even homeless people have stuff, but no one really cares about them. If you’re not a homeless person, you need a place to put your stuff in your home. You should go to IKEA to get things to put your stuff in. IKEA: The human HabiTrail. Don’t ask what’s in the meatballs.

Walmart is a place. It is a place that will sell you almost anything for the low price of your soul. Walmart treats it’s employees very well, and pays them in a wage that ensures they will always be able to shop at Walmart. Come work for Walmart. Walmart: We own you.

Tesla’s electric cars are the way of the future. No more will we leave our muddy carbon footprints all over the roadways thanks to these miracles of modern engineering, which no one but the upper one percent of the populace of any country can afford. Tesla was founded by a sociopath who is completely divorced from reality, and yet is afraid to get into a boxing ring with Mickey Rourke. Tesla: Elon Musk is the real world Green Goblin.

You can get anything from Amazon. Whether you’re looking for a book on blowing shit up or a weekly delivery of 85 lbs. of marshmallows, you can get it all from Amazon. They even sell a bottle of something called “Liquid Ass”. They also treat their employees like their own children. If their children were small Indonesians who have gone blind working in a sweatshop. ALL HAIL DOOM… er… Beezos!

After you’re done with committing mass serial bleachings,you don’t have time to go to the store to get ingredients for a home cooked meal. And really, who has the time for looking up recipes? Ain’t nobody got time for that! That’s where Blue Apron comes in. Blue Apron ships portion controlled ingredients and recipes right to your door. For $30/meal. I dunno about you but $840/month sounds like a fucking raw deal to not support your local grocery store. Just fucking buy ramen like everybody else. Or here’s an option. Cut the cost in half. Twelve bottles of Guinness and an eight ounce glass of orange juice contain all the nutrition you need for a day. Beer: It’s what’s for dinner.