Dear Jonathan

You get in your truck and drive back to campus as fast as the law and the city traffic would allow. You are driving aggressively, taking every opening no matter how tight. You had to get home. You had to get to Charlie.

You are laughing, smiling. Your heart was pounding hard. Your emotions were soaring!

You knew Sam would be calling friends back home. You knew within a day the whole town would know. You couldn't give one shit. It was worth it, it was all worth it. You didn't consider yourself gay, you didn't look at other men that way, but for Charlie...for Charlie you would be whatever you needed to be.

You avoid the lot altogether, instead driving up as close as possible to the dorm. It was pay parking, you'd get a ticket...whatever.

You park swiftly, coming into the curb hard, your truck not quite lined up right. You shut it off and bound out the door making for the dorm. You were still smiling and laughing like a fool, a love lost fool. Everything you ever desired so close now. The guys in the hall and the room look at you, surprised to see you back so soon. You hear some good natured banter directed at you but you ignore it and continue on.

Bursting into the room you call out with joy in your heart. "Charlie! Charlie!"

The room was empty.

Where was he? Now of all times he had to go out? You check the bathroom, empty. Taking your phone from your pocket you dial him, you needed to see him...NOW! Your call goes straight to messages, he had his phone turned off. You are pacing back and forth, shaking your head. You felt like your heart was ready to burst out of your chest. Where was he? Where was he? Where could he be?

You remember the tone of his voice, as he muttered those last words to you. "Goodbye Jonathan."

A sickening knot twists in your stomach. NO! No! No! No! No! No!

It couldn't be. You spin to his side of the room. His stuff was still there...wait. Not all of it. His coat and phone were gone of course, but so was his computer, his backpack. Your eyes widen in panic. NO! You look in the bathroom again. His unused razor still there but his toothbrush was gone, and his deodorant, and a few other things. NO!

His voice echoes in your mind. "Goodbye Jonathan." A finality woven into the words, a sad certainty you'd missed the first time.

NO!

You are pacing. Where would he go? This time of night? He couldn't walk back to Canada. Your eyes scanning the room looking for clues. You then notice your laptop sat open on the desk, it had been closed when you left. With something approaching dread you turn it on...you see what you were afraid you might.

A word document was there, left open. A document you didn't write. A document you were meant to read tomorrow.

Dear Jonathan,

By the time you get this I will be gone. I am going home.

My mother was right. I was not ready yet.

I told you that I would be strong enough for both of us, but I lied. I cannot even be strong enough for myself. I cannot bear it. When I saw you and your beautiful Samantha together I knew I would only cause problems for you. I cannot stay, for both our sake. I've not been truthful with you Jonathan. I've kept secrets from you. I've not been fair with you. For this I am deeply sorry.

Please don't hate me.

Know that I love you. I love you Jonathan Spencer. I believe in you. I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. I hope you find happiness and love and fulfillment. I hope you and Samantha live the life you dream of. The life you deserve.

This short time together has been the happiest of my life. You gave that to me and I will never forget it. I will never forget you.

Your friend,

Charlie

You fall to your knees as the tears stream from your eyes. You stare at the words on the screen and your soul bleeds.