Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with Birth control and would like your advice

"Birth control!" She said happily.

"Thank you very much," I grinned, scooping up the black card.

"Yeahh, that was pretty funny, Jayleen," agreed Natalie, "and lucky thing Hector and Kim K. are such good sports."

"How do you mean?" I chuckled before my mouth hit the floor.

Kim K was leaning against the coffee table, the lower half of her button down shirt pulled open to reveal a truly massive baby bump. Her entire abdomen was one immense, jiggly sphere, like she had somehow shoved a yoga ball inside herself. Her olive belly button had popped out, a fleshy round outie drooping from her pregnant tummy. Even her breasts had doubled in size, hanging down from inside her top to rest on her swollen belly.

Yet in spite of it all, Kim K. looked quite alluring, like a fertility goddess from a long lost civilization. The hormones she no doubt was bathing in had smoothed her skin and given an added luster to her hair. Even her pregnant belly seemed to have a pull of its own, drawing me to reach out and rub it like a genie’s lamp. And yet from the torso up, she was the same shy young girl, just a little sweat gathering at her forehead beneath her curly blue hair.

"You alright, sweetheart," said Hector, pulling out a handkerchief to dab politely at the glowing blasian's brow. "Do you want your powdered donuts?"

"And the pickles," Kim K. moaned commandingly as Hector reached for a diaper bag I swear had just materialized behind him.

"Sorry guys, mmm, I just get these cravings, you know?" Kim K. apologized, between bites, her dimpled cheeks now dusted in white sugar and brine.

"I...," I stared, so entirely out of my element, wondering how on earth Kim K. had become a godly blimp before my very eyes.

I scanned the room, no one else seemed to be reacting. Moggie was openly staring as Hector massaged Kim K's belly, and Liam was just serenely watching from behind his laptop.

"Remind me, how far are you two along?" Asked Natalie. She had caught my eye and was looking at my quizzically as she asked.

"Ooh, about two months," Kim K. replied, Hector had moved to stroking her toes. "It's too early to tell, but I swear little Hector pumped me up with sextuplets." Her thighs seemed to rub together, luxuriating in the forbidden memory.

My mind staggered at their reply. She's that big after two months!! By the time she gives birth, Kim K. will be a fucking planet.

I shook my head, trying to gather my senses. But she can't be pregnant, I thought, I mean, she wasn't pregnant a moment, I know that.

"Still can't believe you kept it," tutted Illy with a kick of her slutty heels, "I mean who doesn't use plan b after a one night stand?"

"She did though," countered Hector, protecting his baby mama, "and I used a condom."

"I was even on the pill," decried Kim K., another pickle spear in her hand. "We were just fooling around, but after I inflated like a bouncy castle, there was simply no hiding it."

"Our little miracle," smiled Hector with an eskimo kiss. Kim K. nuzzled him in return.

"But, Kim K., you weren't pregnant," I said finally finding the will to speak. "I mean like during our show, during 'Into the Woods', you weren't like this."

My friends all stared at me then started laughing, practically rolling over on themselves.

"No, haha, no no, she definitely was," hooted Illy, her shoulders still shaking as she spoke.

"Costumes hated me," Kim K. laughed. "I needed to get refitted twice."

"She was the most realistic of the Three Little Pigs, though." jeered Hector.

Kim K. stuck out her tongue, and the couple laughed. "But no no, Jayleen I've been like this for a while, I know I loosened up once everyone left," Kim K said gesturing down at the plump baby oven she had sitting between her thighs, "but this was here all show. Not sure how you didn't notice, but thanks, I guess?"

"I need another drink," I said still not sure which way was up.

I gestured to the group, but only Natalie and Illy joined me for a shot this time, Kim K abstaining and Hector saying he had been off the sauce since that fateful night. I shook my head trying to relieve the dissonance and grabbed the vodka bottle.

"Jayleen, is it like me and how I didn't know Illy was a whore?" Natalie asked as I filled her shot glass.

"Hey!" Illy shouted.

"Illy, you're a bit of a whore," I commented.

"So! I still don't like it when people call me that," the blonde pouted, once again flashing her bare rump at Moggie who had crawled up behind us.

"But, you know what I mean?" Continued Natalie. "Like I know for a fact Kim K. has been pregnant for a month, but it's like you're finding for the first time."

I furrowed my brow and took a shot, my thoughts clouding as the vodka burned. Natalie sure had a lot of questions about Illy, just like I did about Kim K.

"Okay everybody it's my turn," called Hector, "get those cards ready for... I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called '[BLANK]'."

Natalie and I shared one last look. What she was saying made sense but at the same time couldn't? I was just going to drink my chaser and return to the game.

For now at least.

New card- My abusive boyfriend who really isn't so bad once you get to know him

- 50,000 volts straight to the nipples

- Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog

- The Holy Bible

- Not Wearing Pants

- And Swamp Ass