Day 6, Week 1: Joan Hollis Part 1

Alan woke to shouting.

Ariadne stood near the foot of the bed in military fatigues that didn’t resemble any Earth uniform he’d ever seen—mostly because of the bare midriff. She looked exhausted in the way only someone in charge of a catastrophe could look exhausted.

Opposite her were two Laurels.

Or rather: Laurel, and Laurel’s face on someone who enjoyed being a problem. Which could also be the real Laurel, unfortunately. One definitely looked more smug than the other, though.

“We can’t have a kindergarten class on set,” Ariadne snapped, “and that’s final. Send them literally anywhere else.”

“Where else in this timeline is remotely safe to park twenty vampires with the impulse control of five-year-olds?” one Laurel demanded.

Ariadne’s eyes narrowed. “Fuck, Tess. You could have—”

She caught herself, glanced at Alan, and visibly swallowed whatever she’d been about to say.

“Sorry,” Ariadne said quickly. “I need to be my full self. There’s an emergency I have to handle.”

“Dude,” the other Laurel said—too amused, too casual. “It’s just a party.”

Alan sat up, blinking. “Um. What is going on?”

“Apparently,” Natalia said from the doorway, already clean and dressed like she was making a point, “a surprise party.”

She paused, looking between Ariadne and the two Laurels with the haunted neutrality of a woman who had stopped expecting normal.

“This might be Ariadne’s bachelorette party.”

“That sounds premature,” Laurel—or Tess-in-Laurel—smirked. Actually, she was probably the real Laurel, given she looked less smug overall.

“It’s obviously not premature,” the other Laurel said, turning toward Ariadne with a brittle sort of loyalty. “We had to invite Jessie, or else Grandma E wouldn’t have made it.”

Ariadne made a noise like a person being slowly crushed under logistics.

“Just—please help, Alan.” She looked nervous now, which was worse than angry Ariadne. “Kids are always tricky on any Harem Hotel set. Jessie’s class of undead children is even worse.”

Alan stared. “Undead children?”

Ariadne’s jaw tightened. “Just—”

Alan reached out and tapped her hand.

Pink light flashed.

Ariadne dropped into her Crawler form on the carpet with a soft thump, looking more herself instantly. Her voice carried up from the floor, slightly muffled by the new angle.

“Thank you,” she said, as if he’d handed her her shoes back.

“Oh, they sound great!” the Laurel Alan suspected was the real Laurel said brightly. “This girl, Jessie, is a teenage lich who decided dead children sucked, so she brings them back.”

Natalia froze halfway through leaving. Slowly, she turned her head.

“Teenage what?”

“A kind of undead witch,” Ariadne said, already slithering toward the door with purpose. “She has spells that let her undead age normally. She’s more Sky’s friend than mine, but she’s a sweetheart.”

Alan rubbed his face. “Can’t we have a normal day?”

“Nope,” The smug doppelganger said cheerfully, and opened her shirt as she walked past, flashing Alan like punctuation.

The other Laurel went scarlet.

Then, with sincere fury, she raised a middle finger at Tess’s back.

“Grow up,” Laurel hissed at Laurel

A Laurel laughed and kept going.

Alan turned helplessly to the remaining Laurel.

“Um.”

“Your mom’s nuts,” Laurel said, as if this explained everything, and darted after them.

And just like that, Alan was alone in the room for the first morning since his abduction.

The silence felt suspicious.

He cautiously got up and looked around, half-expecting Joan to have somehow faded into the furniture.

Nothing.

“Um,” Alan said to the empty air after a full minute, “Sky?”

“Yes, Master?” Skynet appeared immediately, wearing a trench coat like a detective who had been hired to solve the crime of Alan’s sanity.

“Please don’t call me that,” Alan sighed. “Where is Joan?”

“Currently, she is in the library,” Sky said. “She is behind her own schedule and would appreciate more time.”

Alan nodded, grateful for one sentence that sounded like reality.

“Do I have to worry about whatever is going on with Tess and Ariadne?” he asked.

“Yes,” Sky said brightly. “But there is nothing to do about it right now.”

She leaned closer, conspiratorial.

“If you encounter a talking rat, take her advice on all matters unrelated to financial planning. This is likely to occur today, as the talking rat has arrived with Jessie.”

Alan stared.

“Okay,” he said slowly, “but why is a talking rat part of Ariadne’s surprise party?”

Sky looked pleased with herself, like she’d been waiting for him to ask.

“She is Larry’s adoptive mother.”

Alan closed his eyes. His face did something between a wince and a prayer.

“Can you wake me up,” he said quietly, “when Joan is ready to have me?”

“Certainly,” Sky said.

She paused, then smiled with unnecessary grandeur.

“Prince Consort.”

And then she vanished.

Alan stood there for a moment, the empty room humming faintly with hotel wrongness.

Then he got back into bed.

He had long decided he was not dreaming.

But it was a hard line to hold on a morning like this.