Daphne Gets Her MM Reps In (With Josie As A Spotter)!

Daphne

Daphne strides into The Wulf Den, M.G.R.O.M.M. lanyard around her neck. Gloaria the receptionist shouts, “Boss lady, your weirdo fish friend is here!”

I’m not weird!

Josie jogs her way to the front, mildly confused. Then, she sees the lanyard. “Nope. Out, Fish.”

“What?”

“I’m not getting suckered into reading porn for your weirdo fanclub. Find someone else.”

Daphne pouts and stammers, “But... it’ll be fun?”

The look Josie gives her says that the wolf-girl knows she will not have fun. “I’ll spend a week using Time for a Restock to make the base materials for your Vagi-Taste alchemical enchantment?”

Josie sighs, “Two weeks. And I get to complain about the story as much as possible.” As the gym-thot walks back to her office, Daphne follows. That seems fair.

Daphne prepares the stack of printed off story for Josie as the wolf-girl preps a post-workout shake. Daphne brought herself some fish to snack on. Sitting down and glaring at the pile of paper before her, Josie snarls, “And what exactly are you making me read, Fish?”

“Laura Black, 26, VP of Sales by Cow Guy. Or Shar. Or Wrynn? Not sure exactly who.”

Josie pinches the bridge of her nose, “One, a Harem Hotel season? Really? We could watch it, you know. Or, better yet, not deal with the show ever again, after all the shit it shoved us through. Bad enough our old lady started a season of her own; you really think I want to read a transcript of a different season? Two, you don’t know who the author is? Really? And three, Shar is one of the options? Crazy, misandrist vampire-lady Shar? Finally, Cow Guy?”

“Uhm... you are Shar’s favorite from last season? And she shares one account with that other Host and someone else. Cow Guy is the official nickname for the account by Marcie and Gina themselves!”

“Three weeks.”

“But...”

“Pray I don’t change the terms further, Fish.”

Daphne gulps loudly as the two begin to read.

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Time to first typo: first sentence, second paragraph. Real fine work there, transcriber guy or gal,” Josie snarks.

“I mean, if you are going to snark,” Daphne notes, “Time to first reference of another season: Second sentence period. Also, that reminds me that my frenzy didn’t get an invite to Nick’s wedding while we were in ‘waiting for a new season’ limbo on our set / home. Thanks, Sylvia. Anyways, we meet Shar, the aforementioned vampire-lady Hostess, and Laura, our totally hyper-competitive and totally ‘straight’ executive Mistress in Chapter One.”

Josie chugs her protein shake, making a slight face at the ‘Tina flavoring,’ and she starts by muttering, “I really need to learn to either eat out someone else last or learn to like bubble gum flavor. You’d think I’d learn by now,” then, a little louder, continues, “Anyways, we have 8 contestants: Susan, the slacker nepo-baby; Gabriella, the math nerd; Misty, the scam artist; Carla, the goth rocker; Anna, the ex-girlfriend; Tracy, the hacker sister; Stacy, the ****-hunter sister; and Candy, the childhood friend.”

“So, Shar goes over the rules. She scheduled ten rounds? That is A LOT of rounds. Shar then does the round zero ‘Rate the contestants by how the Master/Mistress feels about them’ thing that the hag did.”

“Wait,” Josie interjects, “So the hag ripped off Shar?”

“No, the hag honestly didn’t know that Shar did that. That would require paying attention to other seasons. She ran the Data Analysis department; she didn’t actually do any data analysis. And the show-runner initially read the transcript of this season so long before our season started that it forgot. The season started Dec 2023 by it’s perception (so, close enough to two and a half years ago to where I just want to say that instead of two and a quarter years ago) and it started watching this one when it first found out about the show.”

Daphne takes a breath (and a bite of raw squid), then continues, “Then we get to the round zero transformation votes. Shar was very cruel with some of those transformations. I know when our Beloved grabbed people with severe health issues, she just threw in fixing them for free. By throwing them into a vote, one of two things would happen: either the audience will be guilted into voting to fix the problem OR the audience doesn’t to give the contestant an actual transformation and that leaves the contestant with the problem. So, the audience either breaks the spirit of the game or becomes a monster. Do better, Shar.”

“Also in the Host being a bitch category, Susan was last and denied a vote. She got cow-girled, lactating expanding breasts, AND being **** to stare at the breasts of contestants ranked higher than her. Automatically giving the contestant three transformations at once for scoring last was a bitch move. As far as the transformations are concerned, I’m not as bad as Scarlet about being anti-BE, but going from a G-cup to approximately an N-cup is super gross. Susan was kind of gross and overweight before you did that; you shoved her to ridiculous cartoon boob levels. And Fish, stop drooling about Susan’s tits.”

Daphne is literally drooling, bits of squid falling on the floor, “But, giant leaky egg sacs! Laura gets the boring command power; I get the other two options were both pregnancy fetish fuel and split the vote, but it seems like the Master always gets the same few transformations and this is one of them. Candy gets non-functional fairy wings. Tracy gets bigger egg sacs. Anna gets bigger egg sacs plus a cure for her lung cancer. Misty doesn’t get a real transformation as her color vision is restored without any other effects. Gabby gets both the expected de-MILF transformation and a cure for her hormonal imbalance (including some bigger egg sacs). Carla gets the expected ‘bring a friend’ transformation plus an entire reality rewrite (including two sets of bigger egg sacs). Then Stacy somehow gets a three-way tie. So, bigger egg sacs, compulsion to wear cheerleader outfits, and a pet play leash. I will note that 3 out of 8 votes having ties feel irregular.”

“Shar has a one-track mind, doesn’t she?”

“Five of the eight votes this round did result in bigger eggs sacs. The show-runner thinks that she said ‘More BE, more BEtter’ at least once in the comments. Or whoever was controlling the account said it at the time. At least none of the other ones were as… fun as Susan’s.” Daphne then goes back to drooling about Susan’s leaky egg sacs.

“That’s fair? The twins both getting fake plastic tits instead of naturally bigger ones is still kind of gross. Again, Scarlet would be trying to set Shar on fire, but I’ll just complain. How am I her favorite again? We share so little in common, sexual attraction wise.”

“None of our Beloved’s original six were goths or given giant egg sacs. She settles for the muscle girl in that case. She really should have swapped for me when I was added, as I was muscly, aesthetically pretty close to goth, and share a lot of her fetishes, but she stopped reading by that point. Shar’s sexual ideal is pregnant goth amazons with giant leaky egg sacs and cow parts.”

Josie gives her perky B-cups a little squeeze through her sports bra, as she responds, “Oh. That makes sense, I guess? I guess Shar doesn’t realize that athletic excellence leads to smaller breasts, not larger ones; the difference between big and small breasts is mostly how much fat are in them. You can’t believe how many girls at the gym will whine about losing a cup size or so as they shed those last few pounds. Then again, magic exist to make amazonian porno bod sluts, so, as long as I don’t have to put up with being or banging the amazonian porno bod slut, whatever. One last thing before we move on; can we talk about Carla’s reality rewrite?”

“Uh, sure,” Daphne hesitantly answers.

“You know, for someone that rails so hard against lesbians in guy’s harems, what she did to Carla and Kim is fucking rank hypocrisy. Knowingly putting a straight gal in a lesbian harem is exactly the same as putting a lesbian in a guy’s harem. Not vetoing the reality rewrite option meant that Carla didn’t even get the chance to try the ‘non-sexual friend in the harem’ thing that the lesbian in a guy’s harem usually gets to go for. How would you feel if Dani or Sam C got hit with a ‘I love cock now’ transformation in Round Zero?”

Daphne notes, “Maybe you shouldn’t be the one to present that argument, considering what you did in the TF gun challenge, Josie? Shar HATES the TF gun challenge and your submission would have probably pissed her off.”

Josie glares at Daphne, face red as a tomato, then relents, “Fine. We’ll say that Glitterdust made me say that.”

Daphne continues, “We then get the tour of the spooky castle. They have moongates, which is a network of teleportation circles. Our Beloved and I made a somewhat similar system for our new season, but, since our season involves locations throughout the Royal Quarter in addition to the Hotel proper, it made sense. Do they really need teleporters for this castle? It can’t be that big. They also have a hedge maze and a pond. Shar warns them about the ghost servants being shy. They have lunch and talk more rules. Boo! Kiosks instead of actual shops! Boring! Susan commits the blasphemy of covering her egg sacs with a... blegh... bra. They have a pub. And the dorm rooms are themed after mythical creatures. No mermaid room, though, which is disappointing.”

Josie has switched to water now, “More parallelism with our season, it looks like the first week also has the ‘Mistress is locked in the Suite’ date theme ours did. Starting with a 24-hour date is also probably going to end up being boring. The Suite lacks the amenities needed to make a variety of interesting dates while trapped in there, with just a living room (dominated by a TV), a kitchenette, a bedroom, and a bathroom. So, I am prepared for half the dates devolving into ‘let’s watch other seasons of the nightmare show we are trapped in’ before awkward bedroom conversations. At least my first date involved punching shit in the Suite gym.”

“I mean, it could still be fun? Boredom may lead to faster sexy adult times?” Daphne offers.

“Also, the way Laura eats, she’s going to hit full land-whale by 40. That snack was basically empty carbs and fat. Where’s the protein?”

Daphne ignores the dietary quip, “Anyways, the morning meeting kind of sets up the week for the contestants. They have a free day that was probably unnecessary, then dates happen with Laura and everyone else can wander the castle. Carla and Kim set up their ‘We’re just going to do band practice’ story arc, Tracy has already started her ‘I’m going to hack the set’s magic’ story arc, Anna asks about the gym, Misty asks for a magic lesson. You think Shar would want me to teach Misty some mermaid magic?”

Josie rolls her eyes at that, “So, we are going to mostly ignore the random wanderings, as it’ll probably just extend my suffering. First up, Candy date. Laura confronts Candy on being into ladies. Candy confesses to having a crush on Laura since they first met. They go to bed. No sex. The end.”

Daphne notes, “Speaking of no sex, the transcriber basically cut out all of the adult fun times scenes, either stopping the scene before it started or picking up the scene after it was finished. Given how gung-ho everyone seems to be about going down on each other, one would think that more of the sex would make it to the transcript. I mean, Gabby has sex for the first time after her hormonal imbalance was fixed with Misty and it’s handled completely off camera? Surely, that was worthy of presenting Gabby’s emotions during the process instead of the aftermath?”

Josie agrees with a nod, drinking some more water. “Moving on, Misty date. Misty shares how she got into being a ren faire scam artist. Sucks her parents kicked her out after a random medical issue ruined her life. Misty then fills Laura in on the wanderings: storms equal Shar is mad, Carla and Kim sex session, Misty and Gabby sex session, Misty’s magic experiments. Then, they watch RWBY, which is a fake American anime, I think? I don’t watch nerd shit. Finally, a kiss and to bed. No sex. The end.”

Another sip of water, then Josie continues (Daphne’s mouth is full of squid), “Tracy date. Apparently, Shar was upset about the goings on of other seasons. Fish, swallow and tell me what’s up with that?”

“I think it was Sylvia in danger when [Redacted] was eliminated? Doesn’t really matter, in the long run.”

“Whatever. Tracy complains about her robot fighting club getting banned, then was a pervy creep to her sister. I get the whole ‘they are both girls, so it’s not going to lead to birth defects’ argument, but this is still gross ****; there are reasons why you are not supposed to be attracted to your sister. We get a reference to an off-camera strip poker scene. They go to bed. The end. Oh, and she takes apart the TV remote while Laura was sleeping.”

“Meanwhile, we get our first glimpse of Toyna, which is the first eliminated girl from Shar’s season as a contestant, which was a shit show, maybe on par with ours? We aren’t going to get to the flashbacks in Week One, but I’m sure we’ll talk about it when we get there.”

Josie growls, “IF we get there, you mean. I’m not doing this again if I can avoid it. Anyways, next up, Anna’s date. They work out their conflict in a single conversation. They then spend all day ‘exploring the two rooms and catching up on each others lives.’ It should not take a whole day to explore two rooms. Cutting out the catch-up feels like a pacing mistake. They actually have sex (after the transcript stops, of course). The end.”

Refusing to break the pattern, Josie continues, “Gabby’s date. A little catch-up game talk, with Laura’s polycule starting to take a little bit of shape. A little corset talk. Then naked sleeping. No sex. They have more fatty lifestyle breakfast in the morning; seriously, does Laura eat anything other than avocado toast? The end.”

Daphne makes a face at the talk of clothing and vegetables, two things she doesn’t like.

Josie picks up the date plot, “Carla and Kim’s date. One conversation to reconcile, then Laura geeks out about the band members (with wine). We get something almost approaching an actual sex scene in the transcript, with Laura using the command transformation to get Carla to boss Kim around. Of course, the transcript stops as soon as the actual sex starts, but still. The end.”

Another sip of water, and Josie continues, “Susan’s date. Another single conversation to resolve a conflict. More TV watching with wine. Susan gets milked and Laura shares some with her via a kiss. They cuddle in bed. The end.”

“I like cuddles!” Daphne quips, “Anyways, we need to talk about Tracy’s hacking arc real quick. So, she cracks the code to get to Shar’s profile. Turns out, she’s the siblings’ Great Aunt. Shar tells Tracy about her time as a contestant before forcing a transformation onto the scamp that turns her into a cat and punishes her if she blabs about what she found. We don’t get to meet Shar’s fellow contestants yet, as that happens during the flashback sequences, but she was a sociopathic monster, manipulating her harem-sisters into sating her season’s Master so she wouldn’t have to touch him and seducing her season’s Host. Then, she uses the wish to make herself a Host, murders the Master she just got freed from, got the Host erased, herself (and Toyna) bound to her thematic set, then exiled for 5000 years via time dilation before she could start her season. Some of that behavior can be somewhat excused by how those other contestants treat her, but, again, we don’t get to see that this Week.”

“How bad were they?” Josie asks.

“The more sympathetic ones, like Toyna and Agnes, get eliminated. The bitchy ones survived to the final ceremony. The Master was a whiny baby on a power kick; he was basically completely tamed by Shar before he got splatted. Seriously, Shar’s actions resulted in so many rule changes.”

“I get that Shar has reasons to be a misandrist. And hates the whole lesbian in a guy’s harem thing, as she was one. Moving on, last date, Stacy. It takes two conversations for them to resolve their issues. Chapter 47 is the first time we get a complete sex scene, with Tracy and Susan. Then we get a start of an awkward **** scene between Laura and Stacy. Laura has the right attitude; she’s grossed out by the **** sex enough to need to command herself to get wet. The end.”

Daphne pipes up, “And Best Girl Evelyn shows up. Her producer canceled her season, which is also on the website, and she is going to be the Assistant Host for Shar.”

“You did that last Harem Hotel review. Since there is only two staff members, does that make Shar Worst Girl by default?”

“Just because I like Evelyn better, doesn’t mean I’m picking Shar as Worst Girl. It’s actually Incorporeal Spirit number 2510. Bitch stole some squid from me at a professional development conference.”

Josie pauses to blink, “Okay then.”

“Then, we get to Shar’s big act of incompetence. She moves the goal posts mid-stream. Now it is 300 VP to win, with some additional milestones sprinkled in for every hundred points until the contestant reaches 500 VP. Her season has been going on for over two years by our show-runner’s perspective and is still only about 75% through Week 3. Episode releases have slowed down, too. Five episodes in all of 2026 so far. With 10 weeks scheduled, it seems like Laura and the gang will never be able to leave the set. Perhaps respecting the 100 VP to win goalpost would have resulted in a much more satisfying story?”

“If the hag did that to us, I certainly would have been pissed.”

Daphne nods, then smiles, “Finally, we have the first challenge! It’s a variant of the semi-regular ‘wander around a maze’ challenge. So, our contestants get to play strip tag in a hedge maze. Fun! The game feels a little unfair, as Anna, Candy, and Tracy are all overpowered and the others struggle to do much of anything in the time limit before being IT expires. Misty has a bit of a breakdown, too.”

“Shar was nicer about Misty’s breakdown than the hag was to Skye, so that says something.”

“Finally, we get round one transformation votes. Shar vetoes Laura’s vote so she gets both magical pregnancy powers and larger egg sacs. Candy gets a fairy form; her wings now function when she is smol! Tracy gets a robot arm. Carla and Kim get magical sex stamina. Stacy gets doggo-ed and her hair turned naturally pink? Tracy had a blonde tail when she got cat-ed; shouldn’t Stacy have gotten a blonde tail too? Misty gets permanent make-up and bigger egg sacs. Susan can’t milk herself any more, not that she did that all that much. And Gabby gets the pregnancy transformation, after some clothes transformation veto drama. All in all, a relatively inoffensive transformation list. So, Josie, general thoughts?”

“I officially retract my ‘the **** thing is remotely excusable, because they’re all girls’ statement. Misty’s boobs were also already big enough, pervs. Honestly, kind of torn here, Fish. As someone who went through the shit, I am more than a little jealous. Having a Host that cares about the participants’ happiness makes the experience seem so much fucking better. I mean, your Mom tried at the end, but a lot of damage was done by then. As a reader, this was... boring is the right word, I guess? Where are the stakes? Where is the long term conflict? It seems like Shar just kidnapped her great nieces and a bunch of the older niece’s friends and gave them a free weird-ass vacation. The initial conflicts between contestant and Laura were all quickly papered over. The trap cards are mild inconveniences, not impactful enough to make for a good woman versus environment conflict to build a story around, especially since they have to actively seek them out; if the moongates weren’t there and the traps randomly swap and reset, it would be a different situation. We don’t even really see Laura struggle with her so-called ‘straightness’ as the head of a lesbian harem. Plus, there are soooo many typos.”

Daphne piles on, “The transcriber really did a poor job of emphasizing the Mistress / harem-member development that is supposed to drive a Hotel season here. It’s almost as if Tracy is supposed to be the main character and Laura is an afterthought a lot of the time? Surprised Laura did as well as she did in the popularity poll, given how little emphasis is placed on her character development.

Daphne continues, “A general problem with Harem Hotel is that seasons tend to drag; that complaint could be applied to Cass’s season, it could be applied to our old season, and it also applies here. Our old season’s transcript had 232 chapters, excluding cross-overs; we only went three weeks and some sporadic epilogue episodes. Shar’s transcript is currently at 178 chapters, which implies a similar pace, given our final challenge at Week 3 began essentially at chapter 206. With ten weeks scheduled, I would predict their final challenge start chapter would be in the high 600s to low 700s. Does Shar think she can muster up another 500 to 600 chapters worth of material, especially without some sort of stakes? The girls aren’t even really competing for the wish. You don’t want to be a Dakota, who looks like is going to take something like 2000, maybe even 3000 chapters to tell Nick’s tale. A tighter, well crafted story will have a better impact than a tale full of corset talk bloat. Not that the hag assembled a well-crafted tale herself. Best girl, worst girl time. Josie?”

“Best girl, Anna. I like her whole thing. Worst girl, one of the twins but I’m not sure which? On the one hand, Tracy is the closest girl we have to being legitimately interesting, but she’s super gung-ho about the **** thing, which is gross to the point of being off-putting. On the other hand, Stacy is less gung-ho about **** and hunts pedos (granted, she just blackmails them instead of getting them arrested, which speaks poorly of her), but is generally unpleasant. I guess Stacy? Fish, your best girl pick among the contestants is super obvious.”

“Yup. Susan is great! Giant leaky egg sacs are so hot! Ooooh, we should do the Week 2 review in the Susan Wagner Appreciation Wing of the Royal Art Gallery!”

“Nope. No way, Fish. That cosplay fan art creeps me out. Back on topic, who is your worst girl among the contestants?”

“Gabby. She felt the least necessary to the story and her drama about clothes is dumb because clothes are dumb.”

Josie stands and stretches, asking, “Over / Under that Shar mails us a mystically forged shrapnel bomb?”

Daphne hopes the bitterness in her voice isn’t too noticeable, “Eh, pretty low? You know how most Hosts were about mailing stuff to the old set.”

“I mean, it would be kind of funny if the first Host other than Arabella to write back to our old season tried to **** us. Totally our old clusterfuck season’s brand. Now, get out of my office, Fish. And don’t forget you owe me three weeks of alchemical reagents!”

Daphne grumbles a little as she exits the gym. That could have gone better. Still, I wonder if Shar will want to be my friend after this! A letter from her would be almost as good as one from Hardric! I am making so many potential friends from doing these reviews!