Daphne Gets Aboard the MM Riverboat (And Airika Is Stowing Away)

Daphne

The prank was fun and all, but, now that it’s over, it’s time to return to winning Gina’s friendship the usual way: by being the best smut reviewer she possibly can!

So, she is back at Airika’s favorite watering hole, sipping on some delicious salt water as the siren enjoys a grog.

“Alright, Daphne of the sexy chompers, what bit of smut are we reviewing this time?”

“The Steward, by someone named wilparu. Gambio from the comments of our last review together recommended it as something pirate adjacent.”

“Pirate adjacent? Is this going to be more tales of a nerd slub acting vaguely like a pirate? And who is Gambio?”

“Oh, Ora’s transcriber. Like the sea-slug in our Beloved’s office is our transcriber.”

Airika arches a feathered eyebrow at that. “The penguin fucker Host?”

Daphne nervously looks aside, remembering what she learned during her last review, “Um, maybe let off with the penguin references? Anyways, shall we begin?”

“This better be good.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Airika looks disappointed. Daphne feels it too. The siren squawks, “BOO! This is a story about another Emrys wiener.”

“Sure, from that first chapter, it sounds bad, but maybe it will be better? Our protagonist is a twenty-something femboi named Noah. He is looking to explore some ruins called the Empty City and gets hired on by a river merchant ship as a… I think the actual word is a gigolo?”

“In other words, another nerd over his head like Emrys instead of a sexy pirate gal like Liz!”

“This one at least sounds like it’ll have more than four sex scenes and some potential girl-on-girl action?” Daphne tries to offer.

“Fine,” Airika sighs, “But if this is all boring boy sex, I’m telling Cap’n that you egged Marcie’s mansion!”

Blushing, the mermaid ignores the threat, continuing, “Also, there is some interesting background stuff here. Reading between the lines, it seems that a large percentage of men died in some great wars back to back? And most of the men that survived got hit with magic infertility? So, Noah, as an untainted young man, is a rare commodity and is treated like how normal period pieces would be treating a high-born woman.”

The former pirate notes, “Noah boards the ship and the girls negotiate for first dibs. And, oh by my sexy tail feathers, this dweeb is an anthropologist focusing on civil engineering? NERD! He focuses on not being in the way as the actual sailors work; good to see that he knows his greatest accomplishment is not taking up too much space. Ship seems well run and well built, at least.”

“First sex scene is a first time sexy time for Hitty, one of the crew. It’s well written, but not exactly either of our things.”

“Aye, Daphne of the sexy chompers, as is the next sex scene in the very next chapter. Noah is at least a better man-whore than Emrys.”

The mermaid nods, “The world building stuff is interesting, too. Sounds like the big wars were actually a long-drawn out singular war in different phases. Also, small whales and big seals! Probably no mermaids in this story, but maybe Gina will get a cold water river shark!”

“The man-whoring scenes continue at a pretty consistent pace. Lisa the veteran soldier turned sailor is into free use? Shirisha is into some frankly weak sauce BDSM, given the trigger warning; not even a single welt, really? Pel and Reama do a threesome. I am thinking of declaring Hannah an honorary pirate based on her time with the man-whore. And a branch point. So, Daph, you gonna let us skip the guy-on-guy scene, or am I starting a bar fight?”

Daphne, also not wanting to read through the Yutu scene, replies, “We can skip the guy-on-guy.”

“Hey, Daph, your generosity is rewarded with the story teasing some mermaid action!”

The mermaid pouts, “Teasing, but not showing. BOO! Why don’t any of these stories have mermaids?”

“They call their money mermaids.”

“Well, mermaids are precious.” Daphne declares with a nod and some batted eyelashes.

Airika snorts, “I met your sisters. Most of them are not precious.”

Daphne gives Airika a raspberry, which is surprisingly difficult for the mermaid, given her mouth full of razor sharp shark-like teeth.

The siren ignores the tongue noise, continuing the review, “More man-whoring scenes. Hitty gets a sleep-over. Yura asks for a threesome with her twin brother and Noah.”

Daphne pipes up, “And more background plot stuff, too. Noah’s food supplies were spoiled before he bought it, the naive dummy. They have a nice long officer’s dinner scene, with more war history and a proposal Noah should really take. Also, Noah seems to be more than a civil engineering fanatic.”

“Then more man-whorin’. The captain is into foot worship and femdom. Some rapid fire sex scenes, then Hitty teaches Noah how to prep fish.”

Daphne notes, “Which is totally unnecessary when you are a mermaid!”

“Anyways, the gang finally arrive at the Empty City. They set up a base camp for Noah and now it’s time for him to nerd out. He uses the power of anthropology to find an observatory, where he runs into an Ubyr, one of the blue-skinned baddies that started all the wars. And then he’s back on the boat, having apparently finished whatever he started.”

“Do you suppose Noah is a secret wizard or something? No way he’d be able to overcome the baddy otherwise.”

“Ugh, Daphne, it’s worse than that! He talks, bargains, and nerds his way through the situation. By the end, it boils down to ‘come back for your map in a few years.’”

“We get some moping as the ladies pester Noah for spots on the rotation. Then he’s **** and kidnapped by something spooky!”

“And the spooky thing is the great seal that’s been stalking the ship, who happens to be a sharp-toothed shapeshifter like a certain mermaid with sexy chompers.”

“I’m not a full blown shapeshifter, Airika. I just get weird human legs while on land. But, yay! Mermaid adjacent character!”

“Evil mermaid adjacent character. She cucks Hitty then **** Noah again. Hitty attacks, which nearly burns down the baddie’s house. Noah gets blabby in his **** out stupor. Still, Hitty gets him back to the ship to continue man-whoring.”

Daphne sips more salt water, sighing, “They sail the night and make a berth only to be ambushed by lizardfolk! Noah pulls out a wizard-like cheat to get rid of some big guys.”

The siren sighs, “Oh, you wizards and your cheatin’…”

“It’s what we do best!” the mermaid quips.

“Looks like Noah is one of those Space Trek nerds our Beloved would make reference to occasionally. Translator artifice installed in his noggin, teleportation ability, disease immunity, probably from some sort of medical device.”

“And there is the predictable ‘sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic’ reference. So, Noah cheats like a wizard, but isn’t one. Boring. Also, he threatened the mermaid adjacent character. BOO!”

“Finally, we get what currently feels like a long epilogue where the ship gets to port and Noah gets roped into going to a party with the Cap’n. And the story dead ends here. General thoughts, Daphne?”

The siren pulls out her phone as Daphne speaks, “So, it is an excellently written story. I think I noticed exactly one grammatical mistake in the entire 51 chapters we read. The world is interesting, with some deep lore considerations. The tech twist towards the end was enjoyable, too, despite my gripes about it.”

Airika, not looking up from her phone, adds, “The two problems are all the smut scenes were boring boy scenes and the story post Empty City feels a smidge off pace. It almost feels like the author was trying to extend the story past that reveal and did not have as good a plan about what to do with it. Okay, Daphne, this is close enough to a harem story to play Best Girl, Worst Girl. Your picks.”

“Ah, best girl Hitty. I like her earnestness. Worst girl Noah. He wasn’t a girl. What are you doing there, Airika?”

“None ya. Best girl, Hannah. Honorary pirate in my book. Worst girl Shirisha. Weak taste in BDSM.”

“Where are you putting Hannah on your list?”

“Oh, my Airika’s Ranking of Grand Gangplankers (ARGG)? I guess I should update it…”

Airika grabs a cocktail napkin and rewrites her list:

1. Liz (Lustful Valhalla)
2. Sandara (Magic Pirate)
3. Hannah* (The Steward)
4. Emrys (also in Magic Pirate)

*Hannah is technically a sailor, not a pirate.

Daphne starts to wrap this up, “So, in conclusion, don’t tease a lesbian sex scene without delivering. As a non-smut story, this one was one of the better ones we reviewed. Seriously, Airika, what are you doing?”

The siren hits send. “Adhering to the pirate’s code. ‘Always follow through with your threats.’”

The mermaid’s phone dings. She reads the message Airika just sent, blanching: “Daphne and Mattie egged Marcie’s mansion. And used a stupid amount of balsa wood for a Gina dolphin-girl statue.”

Their Beloved texts back: “I already knew. And I am not mad, just disappointed.”

GULP!