Cupid’s Mistake - a melancholy tale

I felt a sharp, hot pain to my ass-cheek. The sudden pain bolted me awake and I looked around frantically.

“What the hell?” I asked, looking for my aggressor. I assumed it was my girlfriend Grace, who had been sleeping next to-

“What the hell?!” I yelped in fear once my eyes adjusted on the figure before me.

The aggressor who had spanked my behind was a short, tubby man with a grotesque face that even a mother couldn’t love. He was completely nude besides a diaper and… wings? He also appeared to be carrying a weapon: a golden, glowing bow, with a bundle of arrows on his side to match.

“Hey. How you doin’?” He asked. He used the bow to scratch his ass.

I jumped up on the bed and held a pillow in front of me (as though a pillow could defend me from any attacks). “What?! Who are you!?”

The man snorted. A booger bubble formed; which would have been gross on his own, but he chose to turn the bubble into a loogie, slinging his phlegm onto my carpet.

“Come on now, man. You really don’t recognize me?”

I looked him up and down. “Dad?”

“What? No, dumbass! Cupid! Well, Eros, but everyone calls me Cupid after those fucking Romans- never mind. Unimportant. Call me Eros, please.”

“Cupid? Like, the-“

“Eros.” He corrected.

“Eros… like the flying baby thing?”

“Why else would I dress like this? I thought you’d recognize me sooner.” He pointed to his diaper. It had a yellow hue, which made me want to vomit.

“Yeah, but that shit isn’t real, man.”

“It is, actually. In fact, we aren’t doing this ‘oh no, gods are real, waaah’ shit you mortals always pull. Here: take some proof.”

He held out his palm and showed me the entirety of human history in mere moments.

“See? Real.”

My mouth was agape from mental overload.

“Pretty cool, right?”

I attempted to speak, but couldn’t get anything out.

“Come on, get over it already. Let me get to the point of all this shit.” He sighed.

I took a shaky breath and composed myself. “Fuck… okay… uh… that’s a lot.”

“Any highlights? I always find it funny how you humans react to that trick.”

“Weirdly, I was most surprised to learn that George Washington was secretly a Chinese guy.”

“Crazy, right? Anyway, here’s the deal: we fucked up.”

He waited for me to react. I didn’t have anything to say, really, so I **** a response out. “Uh… okay?”

“That sucks for you. Like, majorly. You get my deal, yeah? Put soulmates together? Well… basically there were some wires that got crossed, and it turns out you never end up meeting yours.”

“I… huh?”

“True love is real, okay? And your true love isn’t meant to be. There was some miscommunication behind scenes and it caused you to miss your chance.” He explained further. “Aphrodite and I feel really bad about it, honest.”

I processed what he was saying. “So, Grace… isn’t…?”

“Oh, Grace is hardly even compatible with you, dude. She’s literally cheating on you with twelve different guys. Twelve! That’s crazy, right? I mean, where does she even get the time?”

I think learning that Grace was being unfaithful to me should have been more devastating; but I had just seen every single thing that had happened ever, which had me oddly calm about everything. “That sucks.”

“Yeah! Lucky for you, they’re all clean, so no STDs or anything.”

“That’s good.”

“Yup!”

“So… what is this? An intervention to break up with Grace?” I asked.

Eros did a so-so hand motion. “I mean, you should, but this isn’t really about that. This is our attempt at rectifying our error, you get me? Autumn, the girl you were supposed to fall in love with, is through that door. You guys get some time to meet and feel true love.”

I blinked. “Huh?”

“You and Autumn will meet. You may spend your time as you wish. Then you’ll wake up with no memory of what transpired, but your soul will feel the fulfillment it desires.” Eros explained. Well, attempted to; I was still very confused and dazed by the whole ordeal.

“Uh… okay. So… I go to my living room?” I pointed towards my bedroom door. “And my dream woman will be there, ready to bang?”

Eros nodded. “More or less.”

“What a dumb concept for a wet dream.” I sighed.

I hopped down from my bed that I’d been standing on the entire time and walked to the door, giving the fat, diaper-wearing man a wide berth. He watched silently as I grabbed the doorknob and twiste-

My body was sucked into a vacuum of sorts the moment I began swinging the door open. The whistling air pulled at my skin. Flashing lights surrounded me as I was transported to… wherever this was taking me.