Crummy.

All I had was this fortune cookie. I attempted to break it open and... shoot. It completely shattered in my hands! The crumbs fell onto the floor as my fortune slipped through my clumsy fingers, drifting down to the carpet. This was surely the most disastrous fortune cookie opening to appear in an erotic novel, or perhaps in all of history.

Grumbling and cursing, I took to my knees and began searching the floor for my fortune. This effort would be rewarded, right? This was a lousy start to my story, but all I had to do was reclaim that piece of paper I'd wished for. Then, this whole fiasco would be resolved. I'd fill in that writing with whatever erotic text propelled me closer to the object of my desire.

Finally, I found it. It'd fallen under the table where I'd set my pipe. Still on my knees, I stretched an arm out and picked it up. Breathlessly, I pulled it to my eyes. It read:

"ALL OBSTACLES TO LOVE CAN BE OVERCOME."

This was it! Clear as day! I would receive a miracle of love, after all! I rose to my knees, shouting "Furfu-!"

Ow!

I bumped my head on the table, which, by the way, had a top made of freaking marble. Of course, this caused my pipe to fly from it. Ash scattered everywhere, and some fell into my yelling mouth. Coughing, I backed up... straight into the fireplace. Now the big, fancy-ass cape I'd decided to start wearing as sorcerer was on fire.

I was dying, and I hadn't summoned any furniture to help me. I couldn't. I looked around half-heartedly for a pitcher of water, to clear my throat or put out the fire, knowing it would surely only be a planter full of dirt or some similar bullshit like that. I fell dead on the carpet, my eyes bulging out of their sockets. A truly moronic **** for anyone who claimed to wield magic... or, anyone, really.

It hurt me to write this, but I must. It shall serve as a reminder that perhaps until I'm ready to make my own miracle, I'd better not return here.