Course of action

“Ghostbusters,” Rey says at once.

“OK, that’s a movie, not a real thing,” Tracy replies.

“Maybe there’s like a government laboratory around here or something and she escaped from it,” Nadia muses.

“Stranger Things is also not real,” Tracy tells her, irked. “Serious solutions, people. How do we get rid of a ghost?”

Delta takes a knife out of the block and jabs the air. “Stab that bitch.”

Tracy’s mouth drops open. “Delta!”

“What? She’s a perv. She obviously likes to watch. Gross. Stab, stab, stab.” She keeps jabbing.

“Flynn, take that away from her. Carefully. No, we aren’t stabbing. Can’t we get a priest in here?” Tracy asks, looking at Nadia.

“I think priests only do demons.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I don’t know. Maybe this lady’s a demon. Is that better or worse?”

Nobody knows. Your family has never been especially religious. Nadia chews her lip. “I can find out if the priest at St. Pat’s can do this stuff. I assume we can’t call the Vatican and get hot Russell Crowe and his cartoon Italian accent out here.”

“I’m sorry, we like the old guy Russell Crowe dadbod?” Delta asks, making a face.

“Yes,” Tracy and Nadia say in unison.

“Change the subject before something bad happens,” Rey warns.

Tracy shrugs. “I’m not exactly a huge fan of the catholic church, but if they can help us, I’m not gonna be a jerk about it.”

“Maybe we should talk to this lady. See what she wants,” you suggest.

“God, you’re so gross,” Rey says.

“Ow,” you reply.

“In Scooby Doo, they always look for clues,” Delta says.

“I mean, we have the clues. We know what’s happening to us. Conclusion: the ghost lady is a huge perv. Like Flynn,” Rey says.

Tracy considers that. “Probably. But what I’m hearing here is that we know nothing about ghosts. We need someone who does.”

“Yeah, but how do we explain that we’re haunted without talking about what that looks like? Because we all need to agree on that. If you don’t agree, get on board. We are not telling people what’s been going on in here,” Nadia says firmly, giving everyone a warning look. “I would be saying this even if I weren’t seeking re-election.”

“Yeah. Yeah,” Tracy says, making a calming gesture. “We’re all on the same page about this.”

“You know what? I don’t believe in ghosts,” Rey announces, folding her arms. “This shit isn’t real. I bet it’s like a carbon monoxide leak or something. That would explain why we’re all out of our damn minds and seeing shit.”

“No, we’d be dead,” you say.

“How do you know?”

“Because that’s—that’s how it works.”

“Oh, you’re the expert on carbon monoxide?”

You hesitate. “Yes?”

“Shut up, Flynn. There’s no ghost. That’s bullshit. We need to not waste time on that and find out what’s really going on. I bet it’s like hallucinogenic mold or something.”

“Where did you hear of hallucinogenic mold?” Tracy asks Rey suspiciously.

Rey looks away. “Phineas and Ferb.”

Nadia thumps her hand on the table, making the cups rattle. “OK, look. I don’t care what we try, but we gotta try something.”

[ Should the Stackwell family turn to science? Or religion? Poll below. Make your case in the comments for a chance to win a card. Poll open until Saturday; story to continue sometime next week. This choice represents a pretty big branch, so thanks for being patient. ]