Could you be loved and be loved?

Ella picked out a lot of clothes for both herself and for Cinder. (Though she still decided to keep wearing the outfit Vivian had chosen for her in the end.) She was hesitant on the outfits she’d chosen for Cinder, because she had no idea whether or not her other self would actually accept them. But she held firm and carried on, and hoped that the lack of pushback in the back of her mind meant that Cinder was, at least, content.

It was strange. Even though she was on a date with Nick, something Cinder had seemed venomously opposed to given what she’d learned of her other self’s behavior and the times when she tried hardest to assert her dominance, Cinder was being unusually quiet.

I wonder what happened before? When Cinder appeared for a couple of minutes on the beach, and then left. I haven’t really felt a lot of serious pushback from her since then. It’s almost like she’s letting me have full control.

It was strange. Ella was used to the daunting fear of Cinder taking over always pushing away in the back of her mind. But she didn’t feel any of that this time- which was an unusual feeling.

If she were a more naïve person (and she was already plenty naïve) she might even think that Cinder was gone for good.

But she knew that wasn’t the case.

Even if Ella couldn’t communicate with her alter directly, she was still partly aware of Cinder’s presence. She was always there, looming behind her, waiting.

This was no different.

I can’t think about that right now! She decided, shaking her head swiftly. This is my date, and I can’t let myself get distracted worrying about Cinder the whole time. If I do, then neither one of us is going to enjoy ourselves! I can’t get lost in my own thoughts so much I’m not even paying attention to what’s going on in front of me!

“Is… is it really that bad?”

Ella’s head jerked up and her eyes widened. Nick was staring at her, looking confused and a little disappointed.

After Ella had finished picking out her clothes, Nick had suggested that he pick out some clothes for himself, as well. Just to make things seem a little more equal and fun. He’d been asking Ella for what she thought, in the hope that she’d open up a little more.

Ella blanched. He must have taken her frantic effort to dispel thoughts of Cinder as not liking his outfit! What a mess!

“N-NO!” She blurted out.

“No, you don’t like it?” Nick winced.

“I-I mean… I’m sorry, I was just distracted!” Ella stammered frantically. Her hand drifted to her wrist out of reflex but she held herself back. After all, she couldn’t bear the thought of snapping her rubber-band right now, not when she didn’t need to.

Instead, she took a deep breath to calm herself down, and tried to explain.

“…I was thinking about something else,” she admitted, looking down. “That’s why I was shaking my head. But, um… it wasn’t because I didn’t like your clothes or anything, really.”

“Well, that’s good,” Nick said.

“Honestly?” Ella winced, prepared for the backlash that would come when she revealed how big of a fool she was. “…I don’t know anything about men’s fashion… I don’t know if I should be trusted to say what looks good or not…”

What he was wearing didn’t look all that different to her. He was wearing pants of a similar style as before, only in black instead of beige, and his shirt he’d changed from black to a light gray. But it all looked just so… ordinary? What was she supposed to say here to make him happy? Oh, she was so foolish, agreeing to this!

Nick burst out laughing, much to her confusion.

“Well, good, because I don’t really know either!” He admitted. “I’m kind of a fool when it comes to that sort of thing myself!”

Ella blinked, and then giggled a little. “Really?” She shook her head. “I guess that works out, then. We both don’t know what we’re doing!”

It was rather freeing to admit that. She was glad Nick had given her the grace to do so.

But with that established, they both recognized there wasn’t much sense in keeping this going.

“So… how about I just buy the stuff I like, and we move on to something a little less decision-intensive?” Nick suggested.

Ella squinted at him in confusion. “Decision… what?”

Nick winced. That’s right. This girl doesn’t have any real traditional education. She’s been living as a housemaid practically her whole life, it’s a wonder she knows how to read and write! There would have been a very decent chance that someone in Ella’s position would have been another Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin. Fortunately her situation wasn’t that critical, but he could tell from the way she talked and how she interpreted what he was saying that while she may have been a bright girl, she wasn’t an educated one.

Not that there was anything wrong with that, of course.

“I just meant, the two of us have to do a lot of thinking about stuff when we’re picking out clothes,” Nick explained. “And that stuff isn’t exactly stuff we’re good at.”

Ella giggled. “That’s true,” she agreed. “So… what do you want to do next?”

Immediately she regretted asking that. This is the opposite of what Vivian said! She said I should try to take charge more! Darn it! Darn it!

But she couldn’t help herself. She was a naturally passive person. Cinder was the part of her that was confident and assertive, and turning things over to Cinder…

…

Passive. Ella would be as passive as possible, Vivian’s judgment be damned.

Nick didn’t seem to notice the internal battle being fought in Ella’s mind, and he was happy to propose his next idea.

“Well, it’s going to be lunchtime soon,” he noted, looking up at the sky as they left the Boutique. “But before that, I was wondering, what do you think about cats?”

Ella blinked.

“…Cats?” She asked. A tense shadow crossed over her face. “They… they aren’t… well, it’s not that I don’t like them, I just…”

“Ella?” Nick winced, wondering if he’d just made a big mistake.

“…My stepmother had a cat,” she admitted. “He was very cruel to me… and to the mice who lived in my attic.”

Nick thought that being mean to mice was kind of the job of a housecat, but he didn’t say anything.

Sensing Nick’s hesitation, Ella was quick to clarify her stance.

“But! That was just that cat!” She exclaimed. “I-I don’t have any problems with cats in general! I mean, Dawn is a cat, or, I mean, kind of a cat, and she’s nice, I just… um…”

Maybe she was a little prejudiced against cats. But the only experience she’d had with them had been a negative one, so she couldn’t exactly blame herself for that, right?

“Let’s just forget it then,” Nick said, giving her a disarming smile to try and help her relax. “I was going to suggest that we go to a cat café, because the last time I took Cinder, she didn’t have the chance to really enjoy it. But does that sound like something you’d want to do?”

“A cat café?” Ella wasn’t sure what that meant. “You mean… eating cats?” She was horrified by the implication there, and Nick had to explain that no, that wasn’t what he meant at all.

“No, a cat café is a place where you can go and drink some coffee, maybe eat a light snack, and play around with adorable kittens while you do,” he clarified. “Cats aren’t on the menu, don’t worry.”

“Oh… okay, then,” she said, sighing in relief. “Then… maybe that could actually be fun.”

Nick wasn’t sure. Given her initial response, he was worried she might just be trying to mollify him, and was trying to make sure HE had a fun date.

She couldn’t do that! That was what HE was supposed to be doing!

The two looked into each other’s eyes, trying to get a grasp on their partner’s motivations.

Finally, Nick decided to change the subject.

“Well, it could definitely be fun,” he agreed. “But maybe we should wait until you’ve gotten a little more used to cats, instead. You know, start with one and go from there?”

Ella agreed. “Maybe that’s for the best,” she nodded. “Still, it does sound like it could be fun! The cats don’t scratch, right? Or tear up clothes?”

“No,” Nick shook his head. “They’re very well-behaved.”

“Then… I want to try it!” Ella said firmly. She was hesitant, but still, this was her date. Vivian wanted her to be more take-charge, and while she could never be Cinder, she didn’t think it was so bad to assert herself like this.

Nick looked surprised, but then he nodded. “If you want to, then yeah, let’s do it!” He agreed.

Ella beamed up at him.

The two of them walked down the street, over to the café. When they headed inside, Ella was soon greeted by the sight of a veritable army of cute little kittens.

She immediately stiffened like a board.

“There are… so many,” she stammered out as they swarmed around her, circling her legs like sharks sniffing for blood.

“MEW! MROW! M-m-M-Myuuu!”

A chorus of purrs deafened her ears, and she started shaking. She wasn’t afraid though, right? And she definitely wasn’t angry. She was just a little overwhelmed, that was all. And you couldn’t blame her for that! She had been expecting one or two kittens, not this many!

Nick noticed immediately that Ella didn’t seem to be enjoying herself. Alarmed, he was about to suggest that they leave, when Ella took a step forward, wading through the sea of cats, and picked up one of them to study.

It was a tabby, with a big black spot over its left eye. She laughed a little, then turned the cat towards Nick.

“Look… he looks kinda like me, don’t you think?” She pointed out, drawing attention to the way her bangs naturally fell.

Nick didn’t know what to say to that, he was too relieved that Ella hadn’t passed right out on the spot, or worse, turned into Cinder.

“Uh… I-I’m not quite sure I see the resemblance,” he said, squinting exaggeratedly at the little kitten. “Is it just because you’re both cute?”

“EH!?” Ella turned bright red, and nearly dropped the cat. “I-I… cute… I… that’s…!”

She nearly died of embarrassment and joy at Nick calling her “cute”. Who did he think he was, saying something like that?!

…Okay, yes, she looked cute in this outfit, but still!

You’re not allowed to just say that! I know I really want a guy to tell me that, but you’re not supposed to give me what I want so easily! She wailed internally. Her mind was going on a downward spiral and she dreaded the push of Cinder against her as she tried to process the feelings threatening to overwhelm her.

So Nick had called her cute. So what!?

Ella raised the cat in front of her face to hide her embarrassed expression, even while knowing that it was too little, far too late.

Nick was a little pleased himself. He was glad that Ella had responded so positively to his statement, but at the same time, he also wished she could respond a little more.

I have to remember that Ella is going at her own pace, too, he reminded himself. She’s really **** to overly-romantic stuff like this. If I’m too direct and forceful, she’ll fold like a wet paper towel. I can’t just overwhelm her.

Maybe he was stroking his own ego a little too much. He wasn’t some suave lothario, no matter how many women he’d been sleeping with recently. But whatever it was doing it was obviously working, because Ella walked robotically over to one of the tables and sat down, still holding the cat in front of her face like cover.

“Ella-”

“I’m okay!” Ella shook her head behind the cat. “I’m not fragile! I’m not dying of embarrassment! Cinder’s not coming out right now! This is a completely normal date we’re on, and we’re having a good time!” She asserted.

A completely normal date, with a girl who was using a cat as a facemask to hide her embarrassment. Yep, Nick went on those all the time.

Still, even if this was very far from being “completely normal” Nick couldn’t deny that he was really having a good time.

Good luck convincing Ella of that, though. The way she flinched when he sat down across from her spoke volumes.

“…I’m sorry,” she said meekly, peeking her head out from behind the cat she was using for cover. “I’m really making a big mess out of this, aren’t I?”

It was obvious her emotions were in a warped state at the moment. She was rebounding back and forth from bristling with confidence to being scared and insecure. Cinder might not have been present, but it sure felt like Ella’s other half was exerting a lot of influence over her behavior.

Ella decided it couldn’t go on. So even if she was still embarrassed, she set down the kitten, who rushed off to join its compatriots, and faced Nick directly.

“…Yeah,” she mumbled, taking his silence for agreement with her low sense of self-worth. “Again. Sorry.”

Nick shook his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he said. “I’m having a good time. Really, I am.”

Ella looked at him in amazement. “…You’re not just saying that?” She asked suspiciously. “You’re really enjoying yourself?”

“Of course I am,” Nick said, confused. “Why would I lie about something like that.”

A cloud immediately crossed her suspicious features. She narrowed her eyes, studying him carefully behind her bangs.

“…Because of Cinder,” she said, finally addressing the elephant in the room. “You’re afraid that if my emotions get too unstable, then Cinder will take over. So you’re just telling me what I want to hear, to keep me from going crazy. But you really aren’t enjoying yourself at all, are you?”

The back half of her sentence was laced with so much venom that even Ella herself was surprised. Her eyes widened and she couldn’t believe what she’d just said, as she felt Cinder make her first real push to take control.

But no matter what Ella had just said, no matter how badly she wanted to run away from the confrontation she’d just started, she could. She frantically grabbed her rubber-band.

“THWAP!”

Thankfully, that was enough to drive her protective other self away. But Cinder’s attempt was not without consequences, and one of those consequences was a shortness of breath. Ella had gotten so worked-up in that fraction of a second that she needed to let her heartbeat slow down momentarily.

Unfortunately, the tension in the room was making that a difficult task.

“Ella… I promise, I’m not just telling you what I think you want to hear,” Nick swore, looking her deeply in the eye. He leaned back, giving her plenty of space, so she wouldn’t feel trapped. But he never looked away. He didn’t want to give her any reason to think he wasn’t being completely honest when he told her how I really felt.

She wanted to believe him. She really did. But how could she? How could he be enjoying this mess of a date right now?

“What’s there to like?” She muttered, averting her eyes. The longer she looked into his eyes, the more she felt like believing him, and she refused to let herself be fooled. “Dating is supposed to be better than this, isn’t it? Dating is supposed to be magical and romantic. People look at each other with stars in their eyes and kiss under a full moon, while they read each other’s thoughts with just a look, right? It’s not… it’s not a big mess like this.”

Nick winced. He’d been afraid of that. Ella’s isolation and **** meant that she had no real-world context for what a romantic relationship was supposed to look like. It was all a bunch of fantasies and faerie tales she’d built up over the years, and the real thing wasn’t living up to her impossible expectations.

Fortunately, Nick had a bit of experience with girls who mistook the boundary between the ideal and the real.

“Ella, I don’t know what books you’ve read or movies you’ve watched, but dating is a lot like this,” Nick assured her. “Especially first dates. They can be awkward and uncomfortable, and one or both parties are probably going to mess something up. But that’s fine. It’s just part of dating.”

“You’re just saying that, though!” Ella protested. “Because you don’t want me to lose my temper, that’s all!”

If Ella was thinking clearly, she’d have noticed that she had already lost her temper quite a while ago. And it was up to Nick to be the rational one and try to talk some sense into her.

“I’m not just saying that,” he said. “I’m enjoying myself. I really am. I put a lot of work into planning this, Ella, and yes, I do want you to have a good time. But that’s not because of Cinder or anything else. It’s because this is your first real date, and I want you to enjoy yourself. Being with someone who’s happy makes me happy.”

Ella saw the hurt look on Nick’s face, and realized that she was the worst person in the world. Nick had tried so hard to make this a good time for her, and what, she’d gotten angry at him for wanting her to like the date? For wanting her to have fun?

No… that’s not why. You know why. Ella bitterly acknowledged her own failing when it came to this date, as much as it hurt to do. The reason she couldn’t trust Nick’s words was because she was scared to believe him, that was all. She refused to believe him.

After all… how could anybody have fun on a date with her?

“…I don’t know how to believe you,” she admitted with a sober melancholy. “I’m sorry, but I don’t. No matter how much I want to, I can’t. I know you’re trying, but… but I keep finding reasons to think you’re lying to me.”

Admitting that out loud was hard. It was essentially like stating that this whole date, nay, her presence on this show itself, was one giant farce.

And wasn’t it?

“Tell me the truth, Nick, do you really think you could love me?” Ella asked, raising her head. Her vision blurred from the tears in her eyes, and she wiped them away on her sleeve, scattering her bangs as she did.

“Ella, I-”

“Tell me the truth!” Ella roared, and for a moment, Nick surged with alarm, not sure if Cinder had just broken through or not.

Then the angered girl calmed down. “…There, you see?” She muttered, shaking her head. “At any time, I might just lose control and she would take over. How could you love someone like that? How could anybody? I’m broken inside, and we both know it. So no matter how much I want to believe you when you say that you can fall in love with me… I just don’t see how.”

Her eyes were glistening with watery hope. She was **** to believe him, but her feelings of despair were overpowering.

Nick wished he knew what to say to her. But even though Cinder and Ella had plenty of differences, it seemed that when it came to cynicism, they were very very similar indeed.