I dodged them all the way until lunch, tucking myself away in the AV room with a few of my fellow 'AV Club loser' friends. I sat there thinking about how much time I used to spend with these guys, and how much I'd given up these past months hanging around people I assumed were my friends. The thought just made me angrier, though that soon faded. Having been in a highly-emotional state for several hours, I couldn't hold any one of them for more than a few seconds now, as if my emotional stores were depleted. All I felt now was an aching cold in my chest, every inch of me feeling lethargic and lifeless.
My friend Andy asked if I was alright, but I politely brushed him off and said I was just tired. I don't know if he believed me, and frankly I didn't care.
I sat there, pretending to eat my packed lunch, when Corrine walked into the room, her eyes lighting up at the sight of me. Before either of us could say or do anything, Andy and the guys said hi to her, thanking her again for helping us film my stupid movie. My mind flashed back to the day I asked her, the way she smiled and said she'd do it. It all felt so shallow now, in retrospect; an act of charity for a hopeless idiot.
She told the guys that she loved working on the movie and how she was looking forward to working on it more, but she really needed to talk with me alone. The guys felt the tension in the air and didn't need to know anything else, each making their way out of the room and closing the door behind them.
For a moment, neither of us said anything. She stood by the door looking over at me, and I sat there staring down at my peanut-butter sandwich, unwilling and unable to look her in the face.
"Ian..."
"I have nothing to say to you," I muttered.
"Would you please just listen!" she pleaded at me. "Amy told me what happened. She told us all about your fight yesterday." There was a pause, her features softening. "She... she told us what she said..."
"You mean how I'm a loser? That the only reason we're friends is because you and Talia feel sorry for me?" I replied coldly.
My tone made her stiffen, as if the pain in my voice hurt her. "You know that's not true, Ian. You know that none of us think that."
"Amy seems to think so."
"No, Ian, she-"
"Then why say it?" I snapped, catching her off guard. "What, because she was angry? Funny thing how the truth comes out when we aren't careful with our words."
She didn't say anything at first, opting to sit beside me instead. Her hand slowly inched towards mine, stopping just short of it. When my hand didn't budge, she withdrew her own back to her lap.
"Sometimes... sometimes we say things we don't mean when we're angry," she said softly. "That doesn't mean that we really mean it. That doesn't make the words true."
I though back on my fight with Amy, about how angry we both were. I knew that I had though of a bunch of harsh, hurtful things to say to her, things that I would have probably regretted immediately... but I had stopped myself. I didn't pull the trigger. She'd had no problem. What did that mean about our supposed friendship?
"It... it doesn't mean that it's okay," I manage to say, **** back a sob. "It doesn't mean that... that it doesn't still hurt."
"I know," she replied. "But you know that we don't think that... right?"
I still can't bring myself to look at her, let alone answer her question. There was a sudden overwhelming sense of guilt as I began to realize just how stupid I've been. It was as if my brain finally decided to come back to life, employing logic where I'd been assigning emotion. I felt myself begin to shake, clenching my jaw as I desperately tried to fight back the tears welling in my eyes, tears I didn't realize I had left.
"I... I..." my mouth sputtered, words failing me altogether. "I know."
Hot tears cascaded down my face as I finally let go, screwing my eyes shut and quietly sobbing. I immediately felt Corrine's warm embrace, her arms holding me tightly as everything came flooding out. Letting it all go, I turned towards her and clutched her tightly, my face buried in her shoulder as she held me.
"It's okay," she whispered into my ear. "Let it all out."
I sobbed for what felt like hours, but what was actually only a few minutes. Being honest with myself, I wasn't even sure why I was crying. Was it about the whole Stephanie situation? Was it Amy's hurtful remarks? Was it about me? Was I mad at myself for getting so angry? For thinking so little of them? For blowing everything out of proportion? All I knew for sure was that I wanted this terrible aching feeling in my chest to end, and as I melted into Corrine's embrace, I was beginning to finally feel a calm washing over me.
"I'm so sorry," I finally managed to say.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," she whispered back, running her fingers through my hair.
We held onto each other for the next few minutes as I slowly settled down and started breathing normally again. I finally managed to look up into her eyes, and in that moment, her sweet smile had never seemed brighter. Feeling very foolish in comparison, I quickly wiped my sleeves on my face to soak up any remaining moisture. She took my face in her hands, kissing both of my cheeks tenderly before hugging me tightly.
"Come back with me," she said. "Everyone is worried about you."
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