Colleen gets mad at Jim

Jim looked at Colleen and hesitated trying to think how he could answer her question. Sensing that hesitation Colleen burst into tears. “No one will love me. Men just want me as a cheap fuck. They all think I’m a slut and I’m no good for anything else. I thought you might be different- since I met you yesterday I cant get you out of my mind but it seems you’re just wanting to be Mr Good man and think I’m dirt”.

Jim reached out to take Colleen’s hand but she pushed him away.

“Colleen, what’s wrong. You’re a pretty girl; you’re clever, you have a lovely personality why do you keep putting yourself down- why do you think you’re worthless. Sit down with me and let me tell you something please”.

“Oh go away I don’t want your sympathy”

"Look if I didn’t want your company why would I have called round to your house today"

"Because you think you’re good and you’re just being nice"

Jim thought for a second “Yes Colleen I must admit there is some of that too- I am trying to be “good” as you put it. But there's more then charity behind my visit. Please sit down on this bench and listen for a moment” He took her hand. There was no fight left in the sobbing emotional Colleen and she sat down. Jim stroked her hand. “I’m not ready for any relationship. I’m still in love with Jen the girl I told you about. She may not care for me but she made my life complete, she made me feel more alive, happier then I ever have. I’ve never felt that way with anyone else. But Colleen, I don’t feel worthless because she has found someone else. Its life. I will get over it. And one day I hope to find someone else but not right now” He pulled out a handkerchief “Here, wipe your eyes and tell me something. Why does a lovely girl like you think you’re worthless? Why do you change your mind from telling me as you did before lunch that I’d get nowhere if I were to hit on you to you asking me if I want you? I don’t want quick fucks as you call them. I only want a long term loving relationship. If that makes me sound like a wimp; well so be it. IF I were after sex I’d lie and say 'yes I want you and yes I want a long term relationship with you' but I’m not after just sex and I wont lie. “

“Well at least you’re honest I guess. But that girl is no where near as good looking as me”

“No that’s true you are much more attractive but Jen had something that touched me that made her almost perfect for me. I’m sorry I can’t explain it. But back to you, you are pretty you are clever why do you hate yourself? Why do you have this idea that you have to have sex with men for them to like you? It seems to me that you have a sort of tape in your head that you replay all the time saying ‘I’m no good, I’m hopeless and unlovable’ and that’s not true and you need to change it”.

“Don’t try to analyse me” Colleen’s temper was rising, she had never spoken to any man like this before, for that matter no man had ever acted the way Jim Hawkins was and her anger at him was returning.

“Alright then but at least calm down don’t be so **** and you may feel a lot better. At least talk to me if you want to. We can be friends if you like”

Colleen swore and slapped Jim’s face hard “You just don’t get it do you? I just about offer myself to you on a plate and you reject me and then you are low and creepy enough to say ‘We can be friends’. I don’t think so”

Jim looked at Colleen and said very quietly “Alright I’d better take you to your car get in mine please” and walked to his car and opened the door for her.

“Why are you doing this?”

"Because I promised I would and you can't walk that far and there are no buses and more then that because you are someone I’d like to have as a friend.”

Colleen got in and said nothing till they got to the Basement.

Jim turned to her and said “If you change your mind come round tonight Davie and I have a supper thing from 7.30 to 9 each Sunday night for a lot of our friends. Its pretty tame compared to what I think you go on with but we all work and don’t like to stay up late on Sunday evenings. You really would be most welcome. IF you wanted I’d run you there and home again” He waited till Colleen got out of the car then drove off leaving Colleen on the kerb staring at him biting her tongue to hold back tears.

Colleen got in her car and drove home her mind a mess. Mostly she was angry with Hawkins “How can he be right about me and hardly know me? How dare he say what he did?” and with herself for what he said about the mental tape was right, Colleen knew it was so and that to make a real change for the better in her life she had to stop the tape. She had seen Hawkins as a way of doing so. The problem was that she so often saw men as a way of doing so and they’d fuck her and forget her while they got on with some new and more meaningful relationship. “Jim could have been different, he could have been a friend… . but he offered that and I rejected it… I am so stupid… God here I go again” she sniffed and slowed her car knowing she was on the edge of tears when her phone rang. She pulled over and answered it.

“Colleen its Gary and Bernie here we were wondering how you were. Bernie was real concerned for you last night and we called round to your home to see you. Are you ok?”

“Oh god” she thought “what do they want, everyone is so sympathetic, its as if I had some sort of disease” then she answered “yeah thanks for ringing but I cant stop to talk now.”

“This is Bernie you sure you're right? Where are you?”

“Yes Bernie I’ll be right you're such a good sweet caring girl, Gary is so lucky to have you. But look I don’t want to talk now I need some time to think alone. Bye” Colleen turned her phone off and drove home.