Choose an artifact

Holy crap, The Vault? That’s only where the most powerful, and dangerous artifacts of our order are held. I was going to be gifted an artifact? Oh, fuck, oh man, am I sweating? Am I hyperventilating?

Am I drooling?

She waves her hand and the stone wall of her chambers is pulled apart brick by brick revealing a hidden staircase. We descend even deeper into the bowels of the earth until we hit a big metal door with sigils scrawled all over them. She spends some time disabling them in the proper order. There are hundreds of them, so remembering the combination is well beyond my capacity, but she gets through just fine. The door slides open, and on the other side…. Oooooh lordy such treasures.

The divine perverts of our order had labored for centuries creating devices and treasures to corrupt the world. As we passed through the vault I saw enough evil and smut to make the gods horny with possibility.

There was the nylon cocoon, a web of living material that turned people into mindless horny pantyhose covered zombies. The Carnal Carrot, a buttplug that turned people into egg laying rabbit-hybrids. The Musk of Xanithar, cologne guaranteed to turn anyone who smells you into a drooling addict. The Ruby of Perverted Dreams, Serpentine Strapon, Bindings of Steelowyn, and the mummified corpses of several sainted sex addicts.

Any of these would have given me leave to have… a lot of fun indeed. Yet Glenda had greater ambitions for me. She took me all the way to the back where three very special items were waiting for me to choose from. “Do you recognize them?”

“How could I not?” I gaze lustfully at the items.

The Lexicon of Lust sits on one side. It’s a tome of spells penned with the vaginal fluids of Bellowyn herself. Many of our order’s greatest warlocks have left their secrets on those pages. It’s a gift that was sure to give me mastery over the magical arts.

Next to it is, The Cauldron of Corruption. Carved from a single block of obsidian, this massive pot is used to create vile and transformative potions, and tonics. Not only that, but if you place a perfectly healthy potion within it’s bubbling corruption it will become invested with the sickness within.

Finally is the Amorous Armor. A formidable form of protection said to be crafted by all the Demon Princes. Not only does it protect the user from most forms of harm, but it’s also rumored to change shape, and develop abilities based on the user’s devotion to certain Demon Princess.

“The cult will part with one,” Glenda says simply, and gestures to the table.

Whatever I choose it what my legend will grow to become. The mystical artifact the villain used to seize control. What shall I become? A wizard-king, alchemical sage, or invincible warlord?