Chloe, 18 year old high schooler who has been messaging OBGYN

Excerpt from OBGYN’s message to Chloe:

Dear Chloe,

Thank you for sharing that with me. I will always keep your secrets. You have my word. It is perfectly normal for you to have spontaneous desires for boys your age, or even older men. You aren’t a girl anymore; you are a young woman.

If you are bad or dirty for feeling this way, so is everyone. Nonetheless, so long as you live with your parents you must accept their guidance. If they do not want you to go places where men and women mingle, you have but to obey them until you can support yourself. Similarly, if your parents insist that you do not watch certain films, or listen to certain musicians, or partake in certain school activities, you must do as they say. I promise, it will get better, but for now I give you the same advice I give any young woman in your situation: finish school.

The feeling you experienced when touching your vagina is called masturbation, and many women do it. You do not have to if you do not want to. It is completely harmless to your health, but you should not let anyone see or hear you doing it. I understand the door to your room does not lock, so if you decide to try you should do it in the bathroom or the shower. Most women masturbate by…

You pack your finished homework into your bookbag and reach under your bed to fish out your secret magazine. It’s a trashy supermarket check-out line rag, something you would never be allowed to buy with your parents’ money. You’re very grateful that theater girl from your school with hair like a boy’s let you have it when she was finished reading it.

You have already cracked open the magazine so many times that the pages fall open easily to the picture of the pregnant woman on page 18. She looks gorgeous in a bikini standing in front of a starry backdrop, holding her big smooth belly in her hands. You had always found pregnant ladies kind of gross, but fascinating. Recently, you have been imagining yourself as one more often.

You look at the familiar pregnant lady, barely covered up in her bikini, and trace your fingers over her belly, while your other hand hesitantly touches your own.

After enough of that you have to go to the bathroom and make yourself feel good the way OBGYN told you how, back when you only felt that funny feeling when you thought about men. You sit on the toilet and stroke the hard little nub between your legs with one hand while the other clutches at one of your D-cup breasts under your T-shirt, biting your lip to keep yourself from crying out. When you allow that hand to stray from your breast down to your flat tummy, and think about yourself as the pregnant lady, you feel better than you ever have.

You can’t help but think OBGYN neglected to tell you one very important detail: that after you masturbated once, there would never be a last time. Your daily need to paw at yourself is so embarrassing that you still haven’t written back to OBGYN with any more questions, for fear that he would ask you whether you had tried it.

You stand up from the toilet, pulling your feet out of your pink pajama pants and your white panties and, after making sure the door is locked, you lift your oversized T-shirt over your head, and look at your naked body in the mirror.

Your pale, lightly freckled cheeks are pink after your orgasm. You stare into your own expressive blue eyes as you pant quietly, the feeling of pleasure spreading over your body and slowly fading. Your vagina contracts even though you’re no longer touching it, and your fingers are wet and slippery. You look at them and see strands of thick fluid hanging between them. You lean over the sink and wash your hands, your big round breasts swinging between your arms. Your small pink nipples are still hard.

You dry your hands and step back, taking a moment to pose in front of the sink. You brush your long blond hair over your breasts, trying to hide your nipples. It works… kind of, they’re still poking through. You put your hands on your narrow waist, and turn to the side, looking at the round curve of your butt. Your leg muscles are firm from running track, but your thighs still look soft and smooth. Your hips… birthing hips, you surprise yourself by thinking. Where did you hear that?

You lift up your breasts with your hands and try to stick out your flat tummy. It doesn’t look very convincing. You lean back as far as you can while standing, trying to give your stomach more of a rounded look. No, that’s not it.

You’d really like to be pregnant. It was the strangest thing when the thought first occurred to you, but lately it’s all you can think about. You've actually gotten used to wanting to be pregnant. You stare at your well-developed young body and it looks so ready, so eager.

Your parents have other plans for you. You need to graduate, commute to college from their house, and then they’ll help you find a man to marry and have a family. How many years will that take, you wonder? It doesn’t seem fair. It seems like such a tragic waste, not being pregnant for that long when you’re so ready now. But you know they want what’s best for you.

You pull your pajamas back on and crawl into bed for the night.