Chasing rabbits: Alice, an uninfected woman trying to protect her boyfriend

Alice hadn’t let the pandemic slow her down. She had made a habit of running in the mornings before it began, and for the past two years she had stuck to it, even though she hated running with a face mask.

At the start of the pandemic it seemed like everyone wore a mask, especially men. A lot of women thought the whole thing was sort of funny in the beginning, but as the months rolled on and economies shuddered, everyone started to take it a lot more seriously.

But that was years ago. This morning it seemed like she was the only person still concerned about catching the virus. As she passed people on her walk to the trail she even got the occasional strange look, like ‘what are you doing wearing one of those still?’.

Alice didn’t complain. She wore the mask because her and her live-in boyfriend Dan were both part of the dwindling population who still hadn’t been infected, and she was going to do everything she could to keep it that way.

Alice got to the start of the trail as the sun was rising over the trees. It painted the autumn park with golden light, lifting misty clouds from the vegetation. She put her earbuds in and started the latest episode of her favorite podcast as she began to run.

She had discovered the podcast soon after it launched, which was about six months into the pandemic. At that time the reality of the situation was still sinking in. The podcast was started by three friends (one of whom was a doctor) trying to make sense of the virus and how it was changing their world. At this point the show had been going for over two years, and they still managed to find new things to talk about every week.

Alice felt weird sometimes for being so invested in the subject. Everyone was interested in the virus to some extent, but it felt like an unspoken rule that you weren’t supposed to be earnestly fascinated. It was a terrifying and unsettling disease that was threatening the globe. But there was something about it that appealed to Alice. She never talked about it, but she tuned into the podcast for every new episode without fail.

“Hello and welcome to a special episode. My name is Roy, I’m here with my lifelong friend Steve-”

“Hello.” interjected Steve

“-and my wife Dr. Jenn.”

“Greetings.” Chimed in Dr. Jenn.

“So it’s been a while since this whole thing started. Do we have any new numbers on how it’s going?” Roy asked. They started every episode with stats on the virus.

“We’re still seeing thousands of infections per day.” Dr.Jenn said, which wasn’t surprising, it’s how it had been going for months. “Oh, we reached an interesting milestone.” She added, pausing for effect. “The ratio of Americans with vulvas has passed ninety percent.”

“So fewer than one in ten Americans has a penis?” Roy asked.

“Correct.” Dr.Jenn continued. “And the concentration is even higher in urban areas. Some neighborhoods now have fewer than one penis per thousand inhabitants.”

“Wow, that’s wild. I remember when we started this podcast fewer than one in a thousand men had been infected, now it can be hard to find a guy who hasn’t caught the virus.” Roy replied.

“Good observation.” Steve added, and continued. “That reminds me why this is a special episode. Long time viewers will remember we started this podcast soon after Roy caught the virus, back when it was a lot less understood. His wife Dr.Jenn, as a gynecologist and life-long vagina-haver, adds invaluable insight to our show, and I know she has been a huge help to Roy personally.” Steve cleared his throat. “And so far I have been the one without a vagina. The control in this unplanned experiment. But that chapter has come to an end. I just got my second test result back this morning, and it confirms the results of the first. I’ve tested positive.”

There was a moment of silence for the news to sink in. Alice slowed her run to a walk, stunned by the revelation. She’d been listening to Steve share tips about avoiding the virus for years, she followed all his advice. If he could get infected, what did that mean for her and Dan?

“So this will be your last appearance on the pod without a vagina?” Roy asked, breaking the silence.

“It appears so.” Steve said, somewhat somberly.

“Once it’s detectable there’s less than a week before the transformation is complete.” Dr.Jenn added. “He will certainly have a vagina by next week’s recording, probably several days before as well.”

“Alright, alright. No need to get clinical, doc.” Steve interjected. “I just wanted to share the news with our listeners. It only felt right given how the podcast started and where we’re at now. Let’s have a word from our sponsor, and then we’ll get into some (less personal) current events.”

It was the same adverts they’d been playing for weeks. Alice tuned it out and thought about Steve’s diagnosis as she ran. It was unsettling to imagine, but oddly exciting too. For so long now his perspective had been in contrast to Roy, but soon that contrast would be gone. She wondered what he would think about his new anatomy.

Her mind wandered to how her boyfriend Dan would respond to a positive test result. He would not take it well at all, that’s for sure. For more than a year now he’d been earning a living selling his semen. As the number of people producing sperm dwindled, the value of his rapidly increased.

At this point he was earning more than she made at her IT job, just by jerking off all day. A fact he loved to repeat to his guy-friends while they gamed online. Most of them were stuck working retail at the same big-box store he’d left when he found his new career, none of them could produce sperm anymore.

Alice wasn’t jealous of her boyfriend, she was happy he’d found a job he was good at. Personally she couldn’t be satisfied with such mindless work, sometimes it almost seemed like he was milking himself for money, which wasn’t appealing to her in the slightest. It made her nervous to think his career was so fragile too; with one diagnosis it could all go away.