Chapter 7: The First Steps

Friday, July 18th

“Phinn.”

The repeated whisper barely broke the brainy detective’s slumber.

“Phinn, wake up. Phinn!”

"What?" the sleepy sleuth growled as the urgent whispers grew louder and more frequent. The final straw came from the slight shake of the bunk bed frame.

“I got attacked last night,” Jake revealed.

“That’s nothing new,” his oldest friend replied, mumbling.

“The guy had a skeleton face, Phinn. A skeleton face!”

“Mine wore an executioner’s hood,” the half-asleep investigator said into his pillow. Of course, Phineas needed to repeat his reply.

“When did this happen?!”

“In here, after lunch. Caught the guy searching our room.”

“Our room? Why?” Jake questioned, his voice rising.

“I don’t know. Maybe he wanted your little black book. It didn’t matter since we never unpacked anything in here by then,” Phinn reminded, raising his head to discover that Jake had opened the curtain to let the sun into the room. “What time is it?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. When does the sun come up? Five-something, right? The guys at the front gate said that bums can’t sleep outside it after sunrise. Something about it not looking good,” Jake rattled off, shrugging his shoulders. “And I had been in the middle of an awesome dream with this new girl that I met yesterday.”

He tried to ignore the withering glare that his best friend sent his way.

“Dawn? For fuck’s sake! Get in your bed, Jake. I’m going back to sleep,” Phinn announced, rolling over to hide his head under the blanket. “Shut the curtain while you’re at it. We’re meeting the girls for breakfast at nine.”

Less than two hours later, Phinn rolled out of the bottom bunk. Jake’s snoring above him had ruined any hope of sleeping longer. Muttering about sharing a room, he grabbed the small toiletry bag that he’d grabbed from their lockers last night. With a loud sigh, the annoyed young man went off to experience the shared bathroom on the ground floor.

“Jake, Jake, get up. You need to shower. We’re meeting Violet and Luna in thirty minutes.”

Sitting up in bed, the stocky athlete nearly hit his head on the ceiling. Groaning, he rolled over and landed feet-first on the floor. Inquiring about the hot water, Jake nodded at his friend’s response.

“Decent. Also, try the bathroom on the floor below us. I didn’t learn that we’re the only floor without a communal bathroom until after I waited in line for a half hour on the first floor,” Phineas complained.

The already cranky sleuth scowled a dozen minutes later when Jake returned, washed and chipper. Whistling, the squire began to tell his friend about his day until Phinn cut him off. Telling him to save it for breakfast, Phineas hustled Jake down the stairs and out of the inn before they could run into the admiring Muffy Feltfeather.

“Why can’t we eat back there? The food looked and smelled good.”

“Because you pissed the owner off yesterday,” Phinn replied, partially telling the truth. “Besides, we know the owner of the Thirsty Jug. He comped our meal yesterday, but we should pay for the girls this morning. You do have your gold pieces, right?”

“Uh, a few, I think. I might have tossed some around last night at the Lusty Sylph. They never carded me, and I ate a hamburger and fries,” Jake whispered excitedly and conspiratorially while they approached the tavern’s main door. “I think Ephrie and JiJi liked me enough to violate the rules of this dumb place.”

“No, they serve regular food if you don’t make a big deal about it,” Phinn countered, revealing their lunches from yesterday.

“Mr. Englestad? I should’ve known,” Jake moaned a few minutes later, after their chemistry teacher finished greeting them. Finished sliding into the booth, he noticed Luna’s quizzical expression. “Because this place is filled with mean people. The meanest meanies that I’ve ever met.”

“Tancord Caskbottom. That’s his name here. You need to use that,” Violet stressed.

“No, it’s not,” Luna replied, ignoring her friend. “Everyone in the Fellowship is nice.”

“Not everyone,” Violet clarified.

“Yes, it is! I don’t think I’ve ever been treated more rudely in my life than I was yesterday. Everyone but that referee was mean to me,” Jake argued. “And I'm friends with Phinn.”

“What does that mean?” his best friend asked.

“You know what it means, Farris. You bring out the worst responses in people,” Violet declared. “Okay, Jake, what happened?”

“What didn’t happen?! You left me with a monster!” Jake bellowed at Luna.

“Happens all the time!” a customer at the bar laughed.

“Shut up, Rednose!” the usually shy actress snapped back. “I did not leave you with a monster.”

“I think Jake meant a person who doesn’t like him,” Violet interrupted. “It was Googan, wasn’t it?”

“Damn right!”

“Wait, that guy from South High?” Phinn questioned.

That, of course, led to a long-winded play-by-play account of Jake’s big game two years ago against the Seawolves. By the time he’d finished, Ms. Ringle, aka Hunney Butterworth, had appeared with their drinks and a very affectionate hug for her favorite star athlete. The body-on-body contact calmed Jake’s nerves down enough for him to return to the caravan’s adventures. Although he grumbled a question about the way Mr. Engelstad’s eyes followed his favorite substitute teacher’s butt. Phinn didn’t bother passing on the gossip surrounding the two and her divorce. His partner didn’t need the distraction. He’d already found one.

“Yiva Youngblood has taken the old fairgrounds by storm this summer. People think she might actually find one of the Lost Treasures at this rate,” Violet relayed the current opinion.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t feel bad that she killed you. It happens to veterans,” Luna reassured the rookie.

“She slayed me,” Jake stated before repeating himself as none of the others got his meaning.

“Ah, I see,” Phinn nodded, turning to their classmates. “You see? Jake’s learning the terminology around here. This Yiva slayed his heart.”

“What? No, that’s not…Well, she is the hottest woman I’ve ever met,” the notorious flirt admitted. “But I meant she slayed me. ‘I slay thee’ is what she said while slitting my throat. It was kinda cool, to be honest.”

Fully aware of the potential tangent barreling toward them, Phinn prodded his best friend to carry on with his tale about the caravan. Jake repeated his insistence about the knights being mean and sounded ready to break something when he brought up the order to sleep on the ground in the courtyard.

“You what?!” Luna squeaked while Violet palmed her face. “Jake, that makes you a deserter!”

“So what? It’s a stupid fake–”

Phinn sat back and watched, amused, as Violet practically leaped over the table to cover Jake’s mouth with her hand.

“Quiet,” the plum-haired sorceress hissed. She only removed her hand after Jake agreed to stay quiet.

“This is bad, so bad,” Luna moaned.

“What rule did he break now?” Phinn queried.

“The Knights of Concord don’t take deserting lightly. Jarl Bustard is likely a wanted man already,” the bard disclosed.

Phinn held up a finger before Jake even opened his mouth.

“Remember the Sons of Scorporon that I pointed out yesterday?” Violet asked, earning a nod from Phineas. “Those are the bounty hunters who will be after Jake for the reward if we don’t do something.”

“Bounty hunters? Like Boba Fett? Cool!”

“No, not cool, Magnum!” Luna shot back. “Your face will be on wanted posters around Crownhold by the end of the day. It’ll be a treat for their kind. Nobody is dumb enough to desert these days.”

“Jake accepts that challenge,” Phinn noted dryly.

“Shit! You’re supposed to keep a low profile while investigating, guys,” Violet reminded.

“Oh, that ship has long sailed,” Phinn remarked. “Clearly, the intruder in my room yesterday already knew our identities. Throw in Englestad, Ringle, and Googan, and news of our detective agency has likely spread.”

“That’s very possible. Dennis even suggested that I was here on a case while mocking me after I was abandoned,” Jake recounted. “A small group had been nearby watching them load the wagon.”

“I did not abandon you,” Luna growled.

“Don’t forget that you said Tianna knows you guys,” Violet added.

“Who’s Tianna?” Jake questioned, glancing around.

“Don’t worry about that for now. It’s also likely that our arrival might have been known beforehand,” Phinn suggested, avoiding a mention of Keturah Krinksy. His partner already appeared smitten and distracted by this Red Sonja clone. “You two discussed hiring us with the princess. Those discussions might have been overheard or passed on.”

“The princess? How does she look?” Jake asked.

“Let’s focus on Skeletor attacking you last night,” Phinn prodded.

“I wouldn’t call him Skeletor. His skull was white, not yellow, and he wore a black robe or something…Oh, you didn’t mean that literally, right?” Jake said, before launching into another long-winded account of his trip to the Lusty Sylph. Phinn halted any discussion about the two barmaidens and their ghost sighting until after Jake finished talking about the man he overheard.

“Hmm, the conversation does sound suspicious and could be significant. For what reason? I haven’t a clue at this point. The name Denberg doesn’t ring any bells. You’re sure that there wasn’t another person in the room?” Phinn questioned.

Jake insisted that it had to be a telephone call.

“Yes, there is an emergency phone in the Sylph’s office,” Violet confirmed. “While known by most veteran players around here, the office is supposed to be locked.”

“We need to center today’s investigation around that tavern and the last two locations of the ghost sightings,” Phinn announced.

“Can’t we focus on something other than the ghost? Maybe investigate the arson or that well,” Jake suggested, leading to Phinn’s declaration that the ghost didn’t exist. “You always say that. I just hope I’m not a victim when you finally see the light.”

“Damn it, Magnum! Phinn is telling the truth. Brittany told us that her uncle finally revealed the truth yesterday. Hedy Medley didn’t die all those years ago. She was rescued and is still alive today. Boone and his friends encouraged the urban legend to add mystique to the fairgrounds.”

“Oh! So, wait, that means we’re after a ghost imposter? I can handle that.”

“Glad to hear it. Now, here comes our food,” Phinn noted. “I want to leave for the Shrine of Taithlor after we finish.”

---

“Hand over your helmet and armor,” Violet ordered, gesturing toward Luna. After Jake complied, the sorceress tossed him a pile of clothes.

“Your sword, too,” Luna commanded, holding out her hand.

Outside the Drowsy Owl, Jake followed the command, only to start complaining when the bard swapped the sword for something else.

“You’re taking my sword away and giving me a stick?”

“It’s a quarterstaff. Be happy that we’re giving you a weapon. I can always take it back,” Luna warned.

“She’s right. We had to pull some strings to erase Jarl Bustard and register you as Jorel Appleseed. Don’t screw this up,” Violet revealed.

“Appleseed? Like that one guy who…”

“Johnny Appleseed. The guy who supposedly traveled around the country planting seeds for apple trees, if you believe that nonsense,” Phinn supplied.

“You gave me that guy’s name?!”

“You’re the son of a poor farmer who lost his farm. So, you’ve traveled to the big city in search of a new career. That’s the best we could—”

“Or bother to come up with,” Violet said, finishing Luna’s point. “Now, hurry up and get dressed, farm hick!”

Phinn didn’t know whether to feel sorry for Jake or laugh at him when his friend returned in a tan tunic and olive-green overalls. The athlete’s complaint that he looked like baby shit or vomit sounded accurate.

“I guess we don’t need to worry about you picking up any women during this case,” Phinn teased, earning a glare and a vow from his partner to test that theory.

“There are orcs living in the hills,” Luna revealed, grinning.

“We need to get going,” Phinn said, already annoyed they had to wait for Violet and Luna to create a new identity for Jake. “It seems to be filling up more around here compared to yesterday morning.”

“It will be packed by tonight. A weekend in mid-July can be one of the busiest times of the year,” Violet pointed out.

“Hmm, I wonder if that will impact the ghost sightings or sabotage?” Phinn asked, more to himself than anyone.

Exiting through the East Gate, the party of four journeyed down Goodnight Road. Jake attempted to describe in vivid detail everything he could recall about Yiva Youngblood to Phinn. Violet and Luna interrupted repeatedly to correct Jake’s terminology or descriptions.

“Yes, I’m quite aware of Red Sonja’s armor and outfit,” Phinn said dryly, then reminded Jake he didn’t want to take this case because there wouldn’t be any hot girls for miles.

“Jacob Magnum, is that a nice thing to say?” Violet challenged, turning around and placing her hands on her hips, while Luna gasped in horror at the football player’s priorities.

“So there’s one sexy hottie…Okay, make that three,” Jake corrected, placating his classmates until he clarified that he’d added Ephrie and JiJi to the list.

“Pig,” Luna grumbled, stomping ahead of them on the road.

“What did I do?” Jake quietly asked his best friend. “And who’s this Red Sonja person?”

“Jake is sorry. He never meant to insult your looks,” Phinn announced, causing his friend to exclaim, “Oh!” in embarrassment. “It’s my fault. Our case a few weeks ago in Lumlow spoiled him with several famous celebrities.”

The reminder about their meeting Catherine Dall, Adora Rose, and Hazel Gerber placated the two school actresses. Violet, in particular, suddenly turned into a chatterbox of questions about the soap opera actress-turned-movie star. Surprisingly, Luna asked more about Benjamin Biddle, the ex-star of Age of Albie, whom she admitted to having a crush on a few years ago. Violet demanded to be brought along if they ever accepted the offer to visit the actors, especially Cat Dall, on set someday.

Engrossed and impressed that Jake and Phinn had become friends with such well-known entertainment personalities, the group barely noticed passing Locksley Manor until they heard shouts and loud noises. Unaware of the ghostbusting taking place at the manor today, Jake looked uneasy after the revelation about the Dashing Doves.

“Did you want to stop and say hi?” Violet teased, referring to Keturah Krinsky.

“Why would we do that? Wait, do we know them?” Jake asked.

“Their leader is Dove Morneau from South–” Phinn started to say, seeking to avoid mentioning Lance’s ex-girlfriend already.

“The cheerleader? Whoa, she was hot. How does she look now?”

“Good. Very good,” Phineas reassured his friend.

“Off the road, now!” Luna shouted.

“Into the Enchanted Forest,” Violet instructed, motioning to the left side of the road.

Jake argued until he spotted the wagon and knights in the distance. Tossing up a hand carelessly, Phinn sighed and followed the LARPing veterans.

“Would they really come after me?” Jake asked.

“Watch your step. Don’t trample the brush too much. Madoc might notice. He’s an excellent tracker,” Luna warned.

“Yes, they would,” Violet answered. “It’s okay. We can cut through the forest to reach the Shrine. We just need to find one of the trails.”

Why do we always find ourselves trudging through forests lately? Couldn’t we have a nice urban setting for a case? Hell, it doesn’t even need to be a decent area. I’d take an investigation in Rustburg or another slum for a few days, Phinn thought, nearly tripping over a tree root. After their case in Lumlow, he’d be happy to avoid nature for the next six months or a full year.

Finding a footpath took ten minutes, and an additional fifteen minutes to reach the Shrine of Taithlor from the south. Phinn raised an eyebrow as Jake grinned at the statues of skimply dressed Taithlor surrounding a long, flat stone slab. Ever the storyteller, her bard character, Luna, recounted the tale of a stone mason who sculpted statues based on a popular, gorgeous LARPer from the fellowship's earliest years.

Finally seeing the clearing, Phinn asked Jake to repeat what Ephrie and JiJi had told him about the other night. The poor storyteller began with intricate descriptions of the two beermaidens’ outfits and appearances.

“We know them,” Luna reminded.

“Phinn’s never met them,” Jake pointed out, continuing his descriptions of their cleavages.

Bored, Violet leaned against the stone altar. Barely listening as Jake supplied almost pornographic details that the two Sylphs recounted to him, the sorceress studied the surrounding area.

“Eww!” the plum-haired actress squealed, hopping away from the altar after Jake reached the part where Crix Daxer started to fuck Ephrie and JiJi on the same stone slab.

“That’s a fine retelling, buddy. Now, how about we do a circular search of the nearby woods, okay?” Phinn suggested in a tone that he usually reserved for Bandit. Fortunately, the dog’s owner didn’t catch on.

“What should we look for?” Violet asked, happy to help search.

It took Phinn nearly a dozen minutes to find what he’d suggested looking for: a piece of white fabric that could be from the ghost’s dress. Cupping his hands around the ripped piece, he smiled triumphantly before an interruption came.

“Well, well, well, if it ain’t our lucky day, cuz,” a cocky voice said, slicing through the clearing’s silence.

“I told you I saw him,” Arrol Crowther crowed.

“Yes, you did. Catching the deserter will shut Madoc up,” Dennis Googan, alias Romulus Rathmore, said, referring to the temporary commander’s complaint about them abandoning the wagon on the safe Goodnight Road. “The execution for desertion might not be real, but I’m going to enjoy the show almost as if it were, Magnum.”

“Do you personally know the executioner, Goonie?” Phinn queried, wondering about his intruder. The timing of the break-in didn’t seem to fit with when Dennis first saw Jake, though.

“Holy shit! I should’ve known that you’d be here too, Weird Boy,” Googan chuckled.

“Try me, Stiff-Arm Bitch,” Phinn responded, pulling out a small pouch. “For I am Pero Plive, monsterologist, and I know of a variation of the Illithid tadpole, whose larva I can ingest down your throat that will grow inside your stomach until it devours your guts from the inside.”

“The fuck, Phinn?” Jake responded, glancing at his friend in disgust.

“Hear that, Arrol? This demon worshiper just threatened a knight of the Realm. That’s a jailable offense.”

“Back off, Rathmore. The man you met as Jarl Bustard is actually an agent working for Princess Delicia,” Luna divulged.

“Honey, you might play a secret agent around her, but you can’t seriously think I’d buy Magnum as one,” Googan/Rathmore stated. Glancing over at Arrol, he nodded, leading them to draw their swords.

“Uh, my name’s Johnny, I mean Jorel Appleseed,” Jake responded, fumbling his new identity. “I don’t know this Bastard person.”

“I wouldn’t worry. We have plenty of witnesses. Too bad we’re not eligible for the reward,” Arrol said.

“A reward has not been issued. There hasn’t been enough time, and Princess Delicia has already added a secret royal decree that Appleseed is working for her,” Luna argued.

“Spendthrift posted a bounty on behalf of the Prospero Trading Company,” Romulus revealed, already moving to his left while his fellow knight/real-life cousin circled Jake from the right. “We’ll gladly arrest all of you for interference. What do you think, Arrol, did we stumble on a plot to overthrow King Thulnor?”

“That’s what it appears to be to me. Gero is going to be pleased to have people to fill his dungeon by the end of the day,” Crowther sneered.

“Get him!” Rathmore screamed, lunging forward at Jake.

The swinging sword nearly connected with Jake’s face. Jerking backward, the current football player managed to duck his head away. Arrol’s blow found itself blocked by a thrust of Luna’s lute. The musical instrument held its own against the fake sword.

THUD

Swinging his quarterstaff like a baseball bat, Jake hit his old gridiron opponent in the side. Rathmore reacted by slashing Jake’s overalls-covered leg, which stung even more because the knight wore the same padded armor Luna forced Jake to discard. Crowther joined his cousin in attacking the athlete after shoving the bard aside.

THUD

“Oww!” Jake cried, feeling a burning slash across his forearm after delivering another strong shot against Rathmore.

With only a small dagger and a monster lore book, Phinn leaned against one of the statues and watched the fight. He briefly wondered if he should’ve brought the weapon from his locker. Nah, that might come in handy later as a surprise when the stakes get higher.

THUD

Jake’s third heavy blow could be his last, as Rathmore’s swordplay knocked it out of his hands. A quick kick from the ex-safety sent it to the edge of the clearing, far away from the farmer’s son.

Yet, Jake didn’t surrender or relent as the cousins moved in closer. Ignoring the stings and burning sensations from the sword slashes, the son of a bar owner recalled the boxing lessons his dad taught him, and the brawling moves his grandfather recommended. Resorting to his fists, Jake started throwing haymakers.

“Googan’s trying to trip you from behind!” Phinn warned.

A stiff elbow sent the attack back, causing Rathmore to howl in pain. Jake yelled out a thanks. Crowther countered the barrage of punches by pulling his shield from his back. It worked relatively well, blocking Jake's raining fists while bloodying his knuckles.

“Enough!” Violet yelled.

Drawing attention, the purple-robed sorceress slid onto the stone altar, where she stood with her hands inside the opposite sleeves of the robe. With her staff at her feet, Zymona began to chant.

“Otyugh Esti Hiddo Sortal!”

Flinging her hands out of the cloak, she sent small, round pellets zipping through the air until they landed at Rathmore and Crowther’s feet with a flash-bang. Immediately, a dark green mist rose from the ground, slowly solidifying into a thick smoke.

“Get out of there, Jake!” Phinn yelled, but Luna reacted first by tugging his arm.

“Oh, gawd! That’s horrible!” the stocky sleuth cried, waving the smoke away from his face.

The noxious, foul-smelling gas caused Romulus and Arrol to cough and choke before the latter vomited from its effects.

“What in the name of Vaulder, the Brave transpires here?”

Five armed newcomers emerged from the northern trail into the clearing. Unable to place the face, Phinn vaguely recognized the man speaking from the center.

“Deserter…Steel…Strider,” Romulus said, hacking a cough between each word. “Bounty.”

Phinn nodded as understanding set in. Rip Steelstrider, leader of the Champions of the Scepter, had been inside the Thirsty Jug yesterday. A group of adventurers, Phinn wondered if the Champions would seek a bounty for a deserter. It didn’t matter. As Violet and Luna addressed the newcomers, Phineas smiled when he noticed the short man at the far right. He threw back his hood and waved.

“Hey, Luis!”

Jake turned to Phinn, then followed his wave to the short, armored man. Leaning forward to peer past the thinning smoke, he pulled his back in recognition.

“Hurtado? You’re into this shit, too?”

Luis Hurtado, a recent North High graduate, had been an excellent basketball player in junior high school. Unfortunately, the potential star seemed to stop growing after eighth grade, so he never made the high school squad. Still, the outstanding shooter found roles as a student manager for the team before transitioning into a live podcast host whose game calls gained more listeners than the local radio broadcasts. He’d also assisted the investigators during a fake sports memorabilia case several years back.

“Aw, fuck. When you guys show up, shit hits the fan,” Luis moaned before realizing he’d broken character. He glanced over and saw his fellow Champions’ scowls. “I mean, it’s been ages since we last met…”

“Pero Plive and Jorel Appleseed,” Violet supplied. “Pero is a monsterologist, and Jorel is his servant.”

“I’m his what?!”

“Appleseed?” Luis repeated. Suspicion striking, he glanced at Luna with an eye roll before winking at Violet. “I doubt any of Grizz Graeckle’s former companions would be a deserter. A dwarf does not associate with such scum.”

“A dwarf? You’re a dwarf?” Jake questioned, already grinning before the laughter began.

“Ah, is this the suitor your landlady mentioned, Zymona?” Phinn inquired, noting Luis’s flirty wink and Violet’s blush.

A fortunate development. Perhaps we can entice Luis, and possibly his friends, to help with tonight’s stakeouts. Jake won’t take the cemetery—too many poor experiences in the past, Phinn thought, clutching the piece of glow-in-the-dark fabric in his hand.