Capture!

The goblins had tied them up. Of course they had! Ruby was stuck in a freezing cold wooden ship flying through the sky, tied to a pole with a madman, with her bare legs touching the floor with only a cute pair of panties to cover her ass.

"I can't believe this. I can't believe a single thing that's happening, and... it's my birthday."

The Doctor quickly turned to face her. "It's your what now?"

"Oh, never mind me. They're going to eat Lulubelle. What time's dinner?"

"No, but it's Lulubelle's birthday... That is such a brilliant name. I wish I was called Lulubelle. And is your birthday on the same day?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything. It's just a coincidence."

"Learn the language. That's why they went after Lulubelle. Coincidence is what makes the baby tasty. That's how these goblins work. Chance and coincidence and luck. That's how I spotted you. You've been having lots of bad luck, yes?"

Ruby began to blush furiously. She certainly had much more bad luck than anyone else she knew. She was fairly certain she'd never seen any of her friends' naughty bits, but almost all of them had seen hers in some way or other.

"And" the Doctor continued, seeming not to notice Ruby at all, "that's not all. You see, these are fairy tale creatures. So they live by the rules of fiction."

"The what!?" Spluttered Ruby.

"The rules of fiction! D'you remember, last month, everyone went mad for a couple days? That was because of this bloke I know called the Toymaker. And he loves games. Always sticks to the rules. But he's not from this universe, so his rules don't always match ours. And when he came through, others snuck through with him."

Ruby couldn't believe what she was hearing. She thought this guy might be able to help her, but he was waxing crazy about some guy from another universe?

"And so these goblins, they're like him. Except instead of playing by the rules of fun, they're governed by the collective **** of humanity, dictating what goblins are and what they do. So these goblins kidnap babies, like in Labyrinth." The Doctor looked excited for a moment. "I wonder if I'm finally going to meet David Bowie!"

"Wait, hang on." Ruby tried to hold up a hand, then remembered she was tied up. "If these goblins are the cause of my bad luck, how could they only have come through a month ago?"

The Doctor's brow creased. "You've been having bad luck longer than that?"

"Much longer."

"Well, to put it simply, they can ride time waves, and..." Finally, the Doctor seemed to notice her state of apparel. "Erm, what kind of bad luck, exactly?"

Ruby drooped her head. "What you see is what you get. Although most people actually see a lot more."

The Doctor nodded awkwardly. "Well there was this show a few years back which had a big impact on how a lot of people see goblins. They were a little..." the Doctor trailed off, unsure how to broach delicate subjects like this "randy."

"Oh, great!" Shouted Ruby, having had enough. "Turns out the reason I can never stay clothed in public is because goblins wanna fuck me! Why me?"

"Good question."

"It was rhetorical."

"Ah, but what if it wasn't?"

"Yeah, but it was, though. No, wait, back up, 'ride the time waves'? These goblins time travel?"

"They are not time travellers. Excuse me. Time travellers are great. Like the best. Like, wow. This lot just bimble."

"OK, so why did they 'bimble' into me so much?"

"Well, imagine a normal day. You go to work, come back home, watch telly, go to sleep. Nothing to remember. Just another x on the calendar. But if you have lots of accidents, it stitches you in. It weaves you into the day. You become all complicated and knotted and vivid. All of it leading up to a baby on Christmas Eve. The same birthday as yours, with a bedroom that is high up in the sky. That's why you! All the more convenient for a goblin ship. Ha! Oh, it's like a tapestry. It's gorgeous!"

The Doctor stood up (well, crouched up, the room wasn't very tall), the ropes pooling around his feet.

"Wait, how did you do that?"

"I spent a long, hot Summer with Harry Houdini."

The way he said it made Ruby start to blush again. At least that explained why he took so long to notice her (frankly gorgeous how dare he not notice) legs.

The Doctor quickly untied Ruby, then began to look around the room for a door. He pulled out a strange metal device and it made a buzzing sound. "Wrong world. A Sonic Screwdriver needs screws. These lot use knots."

Ruby just nodded. "OK, but we've got to get out. They're gonna eat the baby!"

"Language, tapestry, coincidence..." the Doctor muttered as he began to poke at some exposes ropes in the wall.

Ruby, meanwhile, noted what seemed to be a hatch, laid down, and started kicking at it, trying to get it open.

The Doctor looked down out of a hole in the wall. "We're circling back to your flat. The pattern is closing. We'd better hurry up."

"Yes, well, if you could give me a hand!"

"I am learning the vocabulary of rope! This stuff is their version of wires and electricity, so if we... trip the right switch..."

Ruby kicked at the hatch a final time, then started to pull her legs back, but felt her socks sticking to the hatch. Suddenly, the Doctor pulled a knot and the hatch flew up and away, taking her socks with it.

The Doctor turned and looked at her excitedly as she huffed. As they start to crawl through the open hatch they hear a

GONG!

"I think that's the dinner gong!" Hissed the Doctor as the continued on their way. But another noise began to rise as well.

Ruby's eyes widened in surprise. "I think that's a band!"