Captain Carter's Therapy Session 3

PEGGY

I walked back into Dr. Manning’s office feeling practically naked. Actually, considering how little I was actually wearing, that case could be made that I was practically naked. The fact that Manning had a well air-conditioned office certainly didn’t help matters. I could feel goose-pimples breaking out across my skin against the cool air. I had to fight the urge to cover my chest, I’m sure my nips were just a nudge away from standing at attention.

“Ah, Captain Carter, there you-” He stopped mid-sentence when he saw me. His eyes went wide and his jaw went slack. For a brief moment, his eyes scanned me lecherously, up and down, taking in every little detail. Just for a moment though, he seemed to catch himself and looked away pointedly. “Ah, yes. That does indeed-” His voice cracked and he coughed. “That- yep. You’re right it- that is- that fits.”

In spite of everything, I laughed. “Well, it’s not something I’d wear out and about, but good to know it has the intended effect.”

More coughing from Manning. “Right. Yes. Please, have a seat.”

It actually took me a second to do so. The thong and scandalously short skirt combo made finding a comfortable position that didn’t involve flashing my therapist difficult. Eventually though, I managed to pull it off.

“Are you alright, Captain?” Manning asked, still clearly trying to look at anything other than me. “You sounded a bit… upset while you were changing.”

“I was.” I admitted. There was no point in lying. If I wanted his help in getting through this, I would need to be honest. “As I put this bloody thing on it… It became clear that… that I really did have a problem. And the more I realized that…”

“The harder it was for you to accept.” He nodded. “Well, I’m sorry I had to subject you to that, but I needed you to stop fighting me. You were challenging my diagnosis every step of the way. You even denied the video evidence I showed you.”

“I know.” I said, feeling a little ashamed. “I just didn’t want to believe…” I could feel myself tearing up again. “How did this happen? How did it get this bad?”

“That’s what we’re here to figure out.” Manning said gently. “And to fix it.”

I wiped my eyes. “I know. Thank you.”

He nodded. “Alright.” He checked his notes. “From what I gather, you’ve had no notice of these episodes? No missing time?”

I shook my head. “Until today, I never even suspected something like this was happening.”

“Okay. Okay…” He jotted down some notes. “That will make pinpointing when your situation started a bit difficult, but we can work with that. I doubt that this has been going on for very long, or someone would’ve noticed. Tell me…” He looked me in the eyes briefly before his gaze drifted down to my chest, then looked away. “Have any significant events taken place recently?”

I thought about it. “Not that I can think of. Certainly none at work. Nothing significant really comes up anymore after we put most of the world’s villain population away. The ones that are left are pretty pathetic.”

Manning jotted down some more notes. Somewhat more aggressively than he needed to. Odd.

“What about outside of work?” He huffed. “Nothing major?”

“No, I can’t-” I paused. “Actually, there was one thing.”

He looked up. “Oh?”

“Yeah, one of my colleagues got married recently.” I said. “Agent Morse. She’s retiring to stay at home and start a family.”

“Is she now?” Manning seemed to take a particular interest in this, taking quite a few notes. “How does that make you feel?”

“I’m happy for her. She gets to leave all this behind and settle down.” I smile at the thought. If there was one person who deserved it, it was Bobbi.

“Have you ever thought about doing the same?”

“What?” I blinked.

“Settling down.” Manning said. “Starting a family. Retiring.”

“I could never…” I chuckled.

“Why couldn’t you?” Manning asked gently.

“It’s just… never been in the cards for me.” I said. “During the war, I couldn’t think of anything other than the mission. My home was under constant threat, constant bombardment by an enemy that was threatening to take over the entire world. My mind couldn’t stray to happy what-ifs or blissful hypotheticals. It might be hard to imagine, but back then…” My mind summoned memories of London on fire, pillars of smoke rising from all across the city, air raid sirens blasting their monstrous howls loud enough to wake god. “Back then it was like the world was ending.”

Manning leaned back in his chair. “You’ve never told this to anyone before, have you?”

“No, I have, it just…” I pause… and realize I haven’t. In all my years confronting supervillains, facing universe-ending threats, and leading SHIELD agents… I’d never once opened up like this to my colleagues. Not even the ones I was closest with, like Natasha and Diana. “I guess I haven’t.” A small smile comes to my face. “It feels… good to let it all out though.”

“That’s good. I think we’re on the right track.” More notes from Manning. “You were saying that you never thought about settling down during the war because of circumstance. What about after you came out of the ice?”

“More of the same, I suppose.” I said. “There was always some threat to confront. Some villain that needed a shield hurled at their head. I was always too busy to really think about it, and besides, it took me longer to adjust to the 21st century than I’d like to admit.”

“I think you’ve adjusted wonderfully for someone who’s 100 years old.” Manning quipped.

“You say that, but you weren’t there when I was trying to figure out the copier in the SHIELD office.” I chuckled. “Having people like Diana around helped.”

“That’s right, you did meet Wonder Woman during the second World War, didn’t you?” Manning noted with some interest.

I quirked an eyebrow at his sudden excitement. “Would you like me to get you an autograph, Doctor?”

Manning coughed at this and looked a bit frazzled. “No, it’s- That’s just a bit of trivia that I’d forgotten about, that’s all. And please, call me Gerry.” He cleared his throat. “So, returning to the task at hand… there seems to be a clear pattern of your duty compelling you to discard the idea of domestic life as… impractical.”

I nodded.

“And now?” Manning asked.

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… You’ve put away 98% of the world’s supervillains and defeated or contained all of the cosmic level threats.” Manning pointed out. “What’s stopping you from doing what Agent Morse did? Settling down and starting that family?”

I open my mouth, but no words come. There _wasn’t _anything stopping me. Not anymore. The world’s remaining supervillains were mostly pathetic. Barely above street-level, really. And international incidents should really be handled by nations, not capes (that’s what Kara keeps telling me anyway) so… Why didn’t I just leave it all behind? After 80 bloody (literally) years of service… Maybe it was time to start thinking about it?

“Nothing.” I admitted.

Manning nodded sagely. “And there it is.”

I blinked. “What?”

“I think we’ve found the source of your current mental issues.” Manning flipped through his notes. “I believe that, subconsciously, you crave domestic bliss. That thing that you’ve been denied through circumstance for literal decades. I think, with the reduced workload from your successes over the years, your mind, in its freetime, is causing you to act out these long-held desires. I believe that when your black outs occur, you’re actually playing out these fantasies, of being free from the trappings of the superhero community and of SHIELD.”

I frowned. That… didn’t really make any sense. Did it? The human mind didn’t really react that way from a subconscious desire. It didn’t black out because it really wanted something. And besides, did I really fantasize about leaving this all behind? I liked helping people. I _liked _punching monsters, thugs, and sociopaths in the face. Then again… I hadn’t really done much of any of that lately…

“But wait, Doctor… What about this?” I gestured at the stripper-wear I have on. “How does that explain… this?”

“Oh, shit. Right.” Manning said, as if the thought had only just occurred to him. “Hmmmm… What would explain the fetish-wear?”

I stared at him.

He seems to contemplate it for a moment before snapping his fingers. “Captain, when’s the last time you’ve had sex?”

“What?!?!” I shot up out of my chair and onto my feet. Which, considering what I was wearing, almost certainly gave Manning quite the eye-full.

Manning retreated into his chair a little. “Right, I probably could’ve approached that with a little more tact.” He took a deep breath. “Still, the question stands.”

“What the bloody hell does that have to do with anything?!” I said, struggling not to shout.

“Well Captain, considering your desires for a more domestic life seem to be causing you to black out…” The good doctor was sweating quite a bit. “I was just wondering if… certain other desires might also be *ahem* playing a factor when the black outs happen. Sexual frustration can be a real problem mental health wise. I was hoping to rule it out before moving on.”

“I…” I could feel the blood rushing to my face. “Well, I… I haven’t had sex in… since…” My next words come quickly and as a mutter. “Since the war.”

“Oh…” Manning nods slowly. At least he didn’t add that to his bloody notes. “Okay… Have you had any desire to-”

“Yes, of course I bloody have, I’m still human, aren’t I?!” I snapped.

Manning nodded quickly. “Alright. Alright. This is good…” He paused when he saw my face at that comment. “Okay, not _good _but it does explain a few things. I think your mind is mingling your fantasies for domestic living with your sexual fantasies when you black out. It’s carrying them both out at the same time… hence…” He gestured at the costume I’m wearing.

I sat back down. “Bollocks.”

If what he was right, and that annoying voice at the back of my mind was screaming at me that he was, then this was not good. It wasn’t exactly universe ending or life-threatening, but it was completely fucking embarrassing. I wasn’t blacking out and committing crime (thank god) but I was blacking out and apparently playacting as a horny housewife.

“I know, this situation is… delicate.” Manning said slowly. “But now that we’ve Identified the problem, we can take steps towards resolving it.” I check my watch. “I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. We can truly begin the healing process next week. For now, relax and try to gain your bearings. Call me if you feel strange or if you find yourself missing time. I’m going to do some research and put together a plan for us to resolve these issues.”

“Thank you, Dr. Manning.” I said sincerely. “This means a lot to me.”

“Please, it’s my job.” He said with a smile. “And please, call me Gerry.”

“Okay, wait. Stop. Why do you keep doing that?” I ask.

“Doing what?”

“Asking me to call you Gerry. This is the 20th bloody time.” I wasn’t annoyed, just curious and a little confused.

“Honestly?” He smirked a little. “You’re stubborn.”

I did a double-take. “What?!”

“You’re stubborn.” He repeated. “After I asked you to do it the first time, I could tell you made it your mission to never call me Gerry. Simply because I’d asked you to, and you were annoyed at the time.”

Okay… that wasn’t _un_true.

“It was an arbitrary decision, but now that you’ve made it, you can’t go back on it.” Manning continued. “It would be humiliating to you to go back on that decision now. Not only that, but it would be deferential to me, almost… submissive to me. And you can’t stand the idea of that.”

“So… why keep asking me to?” I asked. “If you know that’s how I’d feel?”

“Because for this therapy to work, for us to work through your mental issues, you need to let your walls down.” Manning explained. “You need to be willing to be humiliated, to be deferential. Therapy won’t work if you keep your armor on.”

“Okay…” I said slowly. “Then the armor comes off. I have nothing to hide. I just want to get better.”

“And you will.” He gave me a warm smile.

“I know I will. Thank you, Gerry.” (PEGGY: +10SP)(16SP)

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[AUTHOR’S THOUGHTS: Yeah, these aren’t notes anymore, they’re just me chatting with you after each chapter. Like I said, I like interacting with the audience.

Boy that was a lot of dialogue, wasn’t it? Honestly, as smutless as this chapter is, I’m actually really proud of it. I know no one is here for the plot or the nuances, but I think I really nailed Peggy’s characterization here. Her opening up to Gerry is a genuine moment of clarity and vulnerability for her, and I do think it was well done. (Which is why it’s oh so fucked up and delicous that he’s taking advantage of her and intends to **** her.)

Next one’s a short one, but I know how much you guys like voting on polls and discussing what the best options are, so enjoy!”]