Butterflies and Lunch

Walking hand in hand down the cobbled path Bailey and Amanda tried to focus on the here and now, the sights of the blooming flowers of varying types, the lush green grass, the warm breeze, the happy chirping of birds, but mostly the person at their side. An early afternoon stroll through the area couldn’t have been more perfect if it was from a movie. Yet both found their thoughts distracted by what they wanted to talk about.

“Oh, look at that!” Amanda said, pulling her hand free from Bailey’s as she stepped closer to a large tree that split into two trunks like a Y after a few feet up. Someone had built a pair of tiny red wooden double doors where they pulled apart, like it was an entrance way to the flower covered bushes behind and to the sides of the tree. She touched her hand to her cheek, her ring and pinky finger touching her lips as she smiled at the sight. Someone had curated the bushes in a way to mix different types of Azaleas, white, yellow, orange and pink were represented in the botanical work of art. Stepping closer she reached out to touch the little doors, pulling her hand away quickly when they moved slightly. With a big smile and a laugh she turned her body slightly to look at Bailey. “This is cute, I love this!”

A feeling of warmth spread through Bailey’s body seeing the woman he loved look so happy. He had wanted to talk to her about Mega Corp and her promotion, the one she wasn’t going to get because of Brannon and what that meant for their future. She had worked so hard to earn it, so many late nights, business trips and bringing work home that he had felt like he mattered less and less to her, he knew it was all in his head, just like any self doubt and now here they were… life had changed so much and it had been for nothing. ‘She looks so happy, we can talk about it later.’ Bailey pushed the thoughts to the side as he took a few jogging paces forward, his arms swinging, elbows bent and wrists loose, his chest moving with each heeled step as he moved closer to her, being careful to walk on the balls of his feet as he stepped off the path to keep the skinny heels of his shoes from sinking into the grass and dirt. “They are totes cute, not as pretty as you Mommy.” When her bright blue eyes met his own the mostly permanent smile on his face bloomed into something bigger like a flower.

“Aww, thank you. I do not think I said it yet today, but you look beautiful as well sweetie.”

Bailey took the complement for what it was, his mind finding words like handsome more foreign when directed at him than pretty or beautiful with Candi’s efforts to improve her friend’s self esteem. “I like, didn’t do much.” Bailey said, pinching the ends of his jean skirt and looking down past his feminine chest before looking back to Amanda and then past her at the tree and flowers. “What flower do you like the best!?”

The older woman's gaze swept across the display in front of her, lingering just briefly on each color of flower. “Each of these are the same flower, all called azaleas, but… I do like the orange ones the best. They are just so vibrant and full of life and at the same time remind me of fall. What about you sweetie?”

Pouting his lips for a second Bailey looked over the flowers, before shaking his head twice slowly. Then he turned around and pointed behind them at the other side of the path where there was a small bush like wall of the same looking flower that was pink at the center and faded off to white. ‘They are like pretty enough and totally match my bedroom.’ He thought as he moved closer to the bush, cupping a flower in one hand as he bent down over at the waist wanting to give it a sniff. It was a sweet and spicy clove like smell, nothing close to the fragrance of his bedroom from the large pinkish candle. Closing one eye he thought for a second, still holding the flower near his face as he tried to remember exactly what the candle was supposed to be. ‘Jasmine, cherry blossom and… apple peel. I wonder if they have cherry blossoms here?’

Watching her once lover walk over to the white and pink flower blush, their hips rolling in a strut to smell the flowers she said were her favorite of the group Amanda chewed on the inside of her cheek. ‘How many different ways do you have to be told or shown before you fully believe this is who Bailey is, who they want to be?’ She asked herself, watching Bailey move with a feminine grace that stood out in a drastic contrast to how her once boyfriend used to move.

“Hey! Mommy do you umm, like think they have cherry blossom flowers here?” Bailed asked, snapping up from his bent position and turning to Amanda. Him wondering if the real thing smelled like his candle or if it was really an artificial smell.

“Afraid not sweetie, the gardens do not have any cherry blossom trees. They only bloom in March and April though.” Amanda squinted one eye trying to remember how accurate her statement was. “How about we move onto the butterfly area.”

Nodding his head Bailey rushed over to her, grasping her arm in both his hands. He hardly ever got her all to himself anymore, it wasn’t just work. Candi, he loved the girl she was so pure and times like that morning before the dmv when mommy had hugged them both at the same time had been really nice and Candi was more than willing to share her Nana, but… it was incredibly nice just to have the beautiful blonde, blue eyed woman all to himself. Seeing how happy she was strolling through the gardens made him wonder why he had been so resistant to going with her in the past. “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high! Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading raaaaiiin bowww!” Bailey sang before giggling, the old song coming to his mind.

Coming into the area the pair walked past a literal white picket fence, the cobbled path continued to it and past the area, but beyond the fence it was all made to look like a white washed old farm house surrounded by a curated garden. Like everywhere there were a few signs about, but also like the others Bailey ignored them, this time distracted by the fluttering bugs about the area. ‘Why do the butterflies stay here? Are they like, trained?’ He could just imagine some campy comic villain having balloons and butterflies tethered to a chariot as they flew across the sky. He was completely unaware the answers to his questions were right there for his reading if he had bothered.

Squatting down his knees touched his chest as his ass hovered just slightly off the ground as he reached his hand out into a grass and flower covered field that had a flutter of orange winged butterflies flying across it. His lipstick covered lips parted as his mouth opened in amazement as one landing on the back of one of his fingers. He wanted to show Amanda, but didn’t dare move and just continued to watch the creature slowly move its wings and rest on his hand.

Reading one of the signs caused Amanda to look up at the house seeing the lines of cocoons hung on nails. She was about to show Bailey how they curated the area to have so many butterflies when her words were caught in her throat. Slowly she pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of the platinum blonde girl with an open mouth smile as she peered at a butterfly while tens of them fluttered around her. ‘Why do I fight myself so much, feel guilt, when I see moments like this. Bailey gets what she wants, to be a girl and experience a real childhood and at the same time she is giving me the daughter I always wanted.’ Amanda thought in delight, the remorse for what she was putting Bailey through that consistently crept into her mind taking a break.

The pair continued their time at the gardens, smiles hardly ever wavering from either of their faces as they moved from one section to another, never lingering for long. Sunshine and flowers wasn’t something that could keep Bailey from growing bored for too long and soon enough had his case out, still having the plastic flower case around his phone that his pretend mother gave him that first day he had put on feminine clothes for that day in the park. Taking a few photos of fields of grass and flowers, various flower covered bushes he sent the images off to his friend.

Bailey: Look at these! then like think of the song walking on sunshine!

Bailey: We could tots do a vido but like maybe like this?

Candi: That sounds like an amazing idea! I love the acoustic video

Candi: Hmmm I like the original better, it is so upbeat but like yeah doing it there is a great idea

Candi: We could get Ry or Auggy to hold the camera or like him and Auggy use my camera and yours so we can have two angles.

“Who are you talking to?” Amanda asked seeing Bailey type away on her phone a look of happy concentration on her face.

Looking away from the phone’s screen, Bailey pressed the device to his chest protectively like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “Ummm Candi.”

‘They see each other everyday, Bailey was with her this morning and still they are texting. It is incredible to see Bailey communicating this much with someone.’ Amanda thought. “And what is Candi up to today?”

“Ahhh.” Bailey looked down once more at his phone’s screen like the answer was there waiting for him. “Not sure, but we were talking about making… It's silly.” A small blush came to Bailey’s cheek at the idea of confessing to her that they were planning on making a music video together.

“I can handle silly.” Amanda said, stepping up side Bailey to bump shoulders playfully.

Without turning his head Bailey looked at the women who moved up beside him from the corner of his eye. “Okay… but umm like don’t laugh.” Biting his lower lip and tasting his lipstick he went on when he saw her nod. “Me and Candi… we umm made some videos and I thought it would be fun to come out here and do one with the song walking on sunshi…” He didn’t even finish the name of the song his voice growing softer as he went on, bracing himself for what was to come. He already looked like this, he had to… and admitting he was actively planning making a music video… he shouldn’t have said anything.

“A video? Dancing and music?”

“Umm yea…” Bailey answered in a soft voice not able to meet her eyes as he spoke.

“That sounds like a lot of fun, is this something for just you and Candi? Or could someone like say… me join?” Amanda waved her hand to her chest as she pointed to herself. It had taken a little effort to not correct Bailey to say Candi and I, instead of me and Candi. Admonishing Bailey just before asking to join her seemed at crossed purposes.

“You… you want to make a video with us?” He asked surprised, not only had she not mocked him for wanting to do something like that, but wanted to participate.

“It sounds like a good way to spend time together and create some fun memories.”

“Yeah!” The hesitation in Bailey left him and left behind a brighter and brighter smile as he pictures her in the field of flowers barefoot and in a sundress. “Yeah, it like totally does! Hold on!” Bailey looked down once more to his phone and typed furiously into it.

Bailey: NEW PLAN!

Bailey: Mommy is going to join us for the video!

Candi: Doing a video with Mom sounds AMAZING!

Bailey: Mom? Like rlly?

Candi: YEP! :-p

Still looking down at the phone Bailey bobbed his head from side to side as he made mocking tones. “Memememememe” Then gave the device a raspberry.

“What is all that?” Amanda asked, seeing the adolescent behavior.

“Ummm, like, nothing. Candi just called you Mom and then stuck her tongue out at me.”

Pulling Bailey into a side hug Amanda pressed her cheek against Bailey’s. “Aww, is my little girl afraid of sharing me?”

It didn’t take much effort for Bailey to pull himself free before moving his head in a few rapid shakes. “No…” He replied sullenly, wishing she didn’t call him her little girl, but still didn’t want to verbalize it, she had just come home and was clearly enjoying their time together. “No, I can totally share. I just don’t want to. Can we umm…” He stopped to look around, trying to spot an exit. “Could we go and have lunch?” Bailey was hungry, they had been outside for close to two hours, but mostly he wanted to change the subject.

“Sure sweetie, we can go get that lunch I promised you.”

With a new destination in mind the pair of blondes left the gardens and went to a local steak house so Amanda could make good on her promise to get Bailey a steak when she returned. It was a bit amusing to her that the offer had been to get Bailey a nice steak meal when she got back if Bailey was a good girl while she was gone. If she stuck precisely with the bargain no meal would be forthcoming with Bailey and Candi getting in trouble for getting into Derrick’s liquor cabinet, something she had given Bailey a spanking for in the past. Derrick had handled it by making them both get a summer job, not at the waterpark service ice cream like she heard Candi would have liked, but instead as interns at Mega Corp. Derrick had literally pulled strings to get them into a prestigious intern program as a punishment.

When the waiter came by she ordered the honey glazed salmon. It sounded delicious with soy sauce, vinegar and red pepper flakes over some jasmine rice. When Bailey ordered she was in for a bit of a shock, instead of getting a porterhouse or something massive like a tomahawk. Something he always said he wanted to get, but they couldn't afford, Bailey ordered a chopped steak salad with cucumbers, olives and crumbled blue cheese, the steak cooked in lime and wasabi. “Sweetie, are you sure you do not want something like a new york strip?”

Pouting his lips Bailey thought for just a second before shaking his head and handing the menu off to the waiter. “It did sound yummy and I couldn’t really eat anything this morning.” It was then Bailey glanced behind him in the waiter's direction as a thought hit him that he could have gotten a bigger steak and just could have taken the leftovers home, where they would be safe unlike the fridge at work, but the man was nowhere to be seen.

The statement of not being able to eat that morning rang a little hollow to Amanda. Bailey seemed perfectly fine and healthy, the Bailey she knew would ignore the pain from a cut or broken toe, then whine and want to be babied because he had a stuffy nose from a head cold. She had seen it before she left, how Bailey had lost weight. He had never been a big man, never was what someone would call chunky, but some of the weight on him was gone, muscle seemed to have melted away and that couldn’t have been just from drinking a smoothie or shake for a meal now and then, Bailey had really doubled down on the crash diet. With that in mind she decided to ask some pointed questions, things that had been bouncing around in her brain. “Bailey, sweetie.”

He looked at the woman across from him with a slight smile as he put down the wine glass full of ice and water. It felt great to be sitting here with her, but the look she was giving him, like she was inspecting him made him feel apprehensive. “Hmm?”

“I have a few questions for you and I need you to answer them for me. Okay?” She didn’t want to worry Bailey, just wanted to know the truth, for Bailey to come out and say it, but watching her brush back the platinum hair from her eyes, Amanda could see the apprehension. “Are you happy being Bailey Ann Best?” Just asking the question felt like a wait had been lifted from her, but with it a cold clammy feeling crept up from her stomach. ‘What will I do if Bailey says no? What if Bailey says… says… what if Bailey blames me?’ She thought in the silence that followed the question.

Biting his bottom lip Bailey squinted his eyes as he once again tasted his lipstick and regretted doing the familiar action, knowing he had just messed up his makeup again and probably got some of the lipstick on his upper teeth. ‘Am I happy? Yeah sure but like… is she testing me?’ Bailey looked past the blue eyed woman across from him watching as the same waiter that had taken their order was asking three people that had just been seated for their drink order. They were out in public, and everyone saw him as the happy bubbly girl, that was the plan, that was who he had to be. He was just glad she was testing him with just the two of them and not out with someone like Auggy. Putting on his best teenage girl friend, something that took very little effort compared to the first day he put on the pink converse shoes, he rolled his green eyes at the question. “Like, of course I’m happy. That is a silly question Mommy, I’m having a lot of fun today.”

Amanda was enjoying the day so far as well, getting to go home, flying first class, being greeted by people that cared about her and then spending multiple hours in a flower garden preserve with Bailey had been an amazing day. “Me too sweetie, me too.” She said reaching across the table to hold Bailey’s hand. Even Bailey’s hands looked and felt different than the man she knew. They looked skinnier, it wasn’t just the well cared for painted nails, Bailey’s skin was also much smoother. “What about Bailey… Bailey Andrew Smith?”

Talking about himself like he was a different person made Bailey feel uncomfortable, he wanted to ask her why she was asking these kinds of questions, why she was testing him, but he also recalled him asking her to discipline him in order to keep him in character. A few uncomfortable questions answered the way she wanted to hear them was a lot better than getting a spanking. “Your umm old boyfriend? What about him? Oh like is he happy too?” Bailey shrugged his slender shoulders. “I like, don’t know, I haven't’ seen him like, in forever.” As he answered a thought tickled the back of his mind at what she could also be hinting at, asking if he was happy and then brining up his male self. This could all be leading up to a reveal about tomorrow and getting to see the horse he learned to ride on again, getting to see Cherry once more, but Candi had already spilled the beans on that.

“Is this about tomorrow!? OH MY GOD! I just can’t wait to see Cherry again, Mmmm I hope she remembers me.”

The next question had been on the tip of Amanda’s tongue, but the mention of the plans for the next day came as a shock to her. Not because of what they were, she already knew that, but with Bailey already knowing. “Was it Derrick or Candi who told you?”

Bailey did his best to look sheepish. “I’m not going to rat her out.” His head then jerked up meeting Amanda’s blue eyes, one hand clamping over his own mouth. He had already been teasing, but he hadn’t actually meant to give away the answer.

“Ah huh.” She said nodding her head. “Sounds like the cat is out of the bag. Guessing you already know we are going over to their hotel after lunch so you and Candi can go shopping for something to wear tomorrow.”

Opening his eyes wide, Bailey sat up straighter, he wasn’t much of slouching after all the couching Megan had given him, but the idea of getting close just for riding sparked something in him. “Can I get a pair of jeans!?” He asked out loud while he tried to explain away the internal excitement about going shopping. ‘I’m only excited to get pants, only about getting pants.’ He reassured himself, but then remembering he also had to resupply on some of his makeup. The choo choo of his mind then moving on to wondering what Sephora had on sale.

“Umm, sure sweetie. I will give you my card or Derrick will give Candi his…” Amanda looked off to the side thinking for a second before shaking her head. “We will transfer some money, it will not be a lot though. So this isn’t a shopping spree, but you can buy whatever clothes you want. I have not gotten a raise yet, my new position does not start for weeks yet.”

The mention of the promotion sent the joy in him crashing and with it the idea of going shopping… shopping for pants he mentally corrected. Bailey had avoided bringing things up so far today, but he couldn’t not tell her. “Mommy… I have umm, I like have some bad news.”

Mention of bad news was tempered a bit with hearing Bailey continue to call her Mommy, it was juvenile, but she loved hearing it. She hoped it wasn’t her saying that she was lying before and that she was miserable. Leaning forward in her seat nodded for Bailey to continue.

“Umm… ahhh, well…” Bailey stopped to swallow his saliva, knowing this was going to be a punch in the gut to her. “MrBranndongotthejobyouwantedandhewillbeinchargeoftheofficehereinNevada and and and…” Bailey stopped when he saw the hand held up in front of him.

“Talk a little slower for me sweetie, spaces, I need spaces between the words.” Amanda said gently after not understanding a single thing Bailey said in the rapid fire verbal ****.

Taking a second to center himself Bailey took another sip from the cold water in front of him. “Mr Brannon, he umm he is going to be in charge of the building. He told me so himself that you wouldn’t be promoted, that all that matters is who you know and that umm he knows how to play the game.”

Reaching out with both hands this time Amanda took one of Bailey’s between them. “Listen to me Bailey, everything will be fine. I know what he did and…” She rolled her head on her shoulders. “How he did it. None of that matters though, because I am getting a different position. One I wanted to talk to you about.”

‘A different position?!’ Bailey thought as he pulled his hand free from her grasp as he leaned back in his chair. ‘It wont like matter what job you think you will get if he fires you before then… peaches! Is that why he said I have to keep him happy or he would fire her?’

“The position I will be moving into is the director of finance for the west coast. It took me a bit of soul searching before I accepted it.”

Bailey cocked his head to the side, the job titled alone sounded amazing, he was sure the pay would be too. He wasn’t sure why she would hesitate at all or require soul searching. “Umm like why wouldn’t you take it?”

“Well, sweetie. To have the position I would have to move to California, to the west coast headquarters.”

“Oh… Where umm Mr Connors works.” His eyes dropped from her focusing on the floating cubes of ice in his drink. “I thought… what about me?”

Seeing the expression on Bailey’s face made Amanda feel like her heart was breaking. This decision had been the toughest she had ever had to make, but not accepting it would leave so much of her life up in the air. She could grin and bear it if she had been passed over for a promotion, she would be upset about it with how George Brannon went about it. Having a subordinate suddenly get promoted above you would be difficult, but one with a grudge and agenda was another. If she didn’t take the director position she would have to leave Mega Corp more than likely before she even found another position before he created a reason to fire her. “Well, I see two options. One, you could come with me.” That option seemed much more reasonable to her now that she finally heard it directly from Bailey’s lips that she was happy. All evidence had pointed to it, pointed to Bailey wanting to live this way, but she couldn’t be sure till she actually heard it directly.

“The second option, one that your aunt and I worked on was that you could move away. We say your fathers sister, an aunt from his side of the family, was not doing well and wanted to spend time with her niece before the end. That would give a believable enough excuse for my eighteen year old daughter to go away and end up living out on her own, not coming back. I hate lying. I really do sweetie, I just do not see many options without… without all the sacrifices you have made blowing up in our faces.”

Moving away with money in his pocket was exactly what Aunt Megan had talked to him about. She would give him money so he could get himself fished, give his body time to accept the hormone medication the doctor had given him to fix himself. He could do that and start putting some muscle back on his body, shave his head till real blonde hair grew back in. Bailey touched his hand to his own cheek, he had only gone to two of those laser treatments and was reasonably sure facial hair would come in again once his male hormones kicked back in. Not that he ever had much facial hair, but that could change if the medicine. He could go away for a few months and if things were worse than he thought he could just get some minor surgery then show back up in California with a full beard and show the woman he loved what she had been missing. He just had to wait for that private detective to get himself out of hot water before he could go live as a boy.

“I know… but umm…” He had it all planned out in his mind, could picture himself in jeans, a red and black plaid shirt with a full beard kissing her. He just had to ask, to make sure that she would wait for him. Derrick was already much closer to Mommy than he would like and without being around who knows what would happen. “If I went away, for like three months.. If I needed surgery… Or like just a month.” Bailey quickly added. “Would you wait for me?”

Hearing that Bailey was thinking about fully transitioning shouldn’t have been a surprise to Amanda, not with already knowing Bailey was a girl, a woman at heart, but the idea that it was in Bailey’s head that she wouldn’t wait, wouldn’t accept her Bailey Ann back into her life was heartbreaking. ‘How much did Bailey hurt over their life by living a lie that she would think I would cast her aside when she fully transforms her body into the woman she is inside? What did her father say to her? Or not say?’ With tears welling up in her Amanda got up from her seat, and quickly moved to Bailey's side to embrace her. “I love you so much Bailey, of course you can come home to me!”