But before that, a breakdown

She walked in and didn’t even need to stop and wait for a table. Walked right in, grabbed a table, and made herself at home. Water was delivered with little to no time. Only one menu was dropped off. I started reading, picking out items.

“Did you know that the most commonly picked first date meal is chicken alfredo?”

It’s like she knew that was what I was going to get. So I moved around. Went to the appetizers. Low and behold, I got to the garlic bread and there it was.

“I get it, you’re flexing.” She smiled like how I imagined in her texts. Grabbed her slice of bread and started unfolding her napkin.

“I worked here when I was younger. Family friends. It’s just, one of those things.”

“Of course. Shocked, shocked I say!” Putting my menu down and grabbing my glass. We shared some of our garlic bread and began to chat about the film.

“I’ll be honest, I wasn't paying much attention.”

“And why is that?”

“Well someone wanted to cuddle more than pay attention.”

“I don’t know what you could possibly be talking about.” Cheekiness was the name of this game.

“Alright, sure. Maybe next time I won’t return the favor.” The daggers from her eyes were so big they might as well have been swords.

“Okay, that’s the line.” I went back to my garlic bread. The waiter came through and took my order.

“It’s not about the line expressly.” Another bite. “You needed someone to hold you last week. I needed someone today. If you want to keep this up then be my guest. Daisy may have tolerated this kinda shit. I won’t. Emotional support is something clearly you need. And it’s something I need just as much. Everyone needs it. We’ll talk more about this. But all you need to know for now is. You didn’t cross a line, you just didn’t know. It’s okay, you’ll learn.” She put my hand up and in hers. It was nice. Far better than the anxiety I was used to having.

We spent the rest of the night discussing a few of the localized issues. We finished dinner and got some tiramisu for dessert.

“So. Having exhausted our topics, the time has come for us to talk about our pet elephant.”

“Well. Okay, go.”

“Well we’ve already discussed emotional support. Is that something you’re okay providing?”

“Now that we’re laying down the guidelines. Yes.”

“Do you know what I actually mean by that?” I was doing my best to keep this calm. This, degree of calm.

“Ya, of course.”

“So you don’t.”

“We’ll talk about it. You are still open to it right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so this will be our next topic after this.”

“Sex is on the table ya?” I don’t know how. But I swear, at this very moment I could hear Lily say “Mike, this is your oscar winning marmot”

“Yes, but I’m still working through. Some stuff, and I don’t know. What I’m interested in and/or what I want.”

“Okay, kissing/fluid bonding?”

“Kissing, yes. Fluid bonding?”

“We’ll talk about it.”

“So your relationship with Daisy. What was that like? Because some of these ideas should be known.” Thinking about this. Was hard. How do I put it into words? I hadn’t talked myself through it.

“I haven’t. Talked about this to. Anyone yet.”

“Okay, last thing. Before we start doing some clarification. Therapy. Get yourself going.”

“I, haven’t had a therapist.”

“Right, I do. And therapy helps. I don’t care who or what tells you otherwise. Everyone, needs therapy. I’ll help you find one.” Boy was Ash good at running these surprises on me.

“You know I had anorexia right? As well as a few other issues.”

“Ash, I didn't know the majority of what I know about you before this past month.”

“I, fair enough, that's something I don’t like going around. Freshman and a bit earlier I had a lot of issues. I was self harming, I looked like a husk. There was a while where it was likely not going to live through the year or so. It took two years of weekly therapy and realistically. More to come. I’m not going to stop seeing my therapist because it is. The single best thing in my life. Sorry to get your hopes up. But that slot has been taken.”

“I had; no idea.”

“That’s a bit of the idea. I can’t tell you what you have going on. I don’t know and I’m not someone who can tell you. Officially or clinically that is. It only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb. But the lightbulb has to want to change itself. And you, from what I can tell, need help.”

I knew I needed help. But to be in this kind of situation. Was so new I needed to find it. More. Everything about it.

“I appreciate it. This is; a lot to think about. And honestly. Like, this conversation is uncomfortable for me. I like this, but it feels like this all should have been split over a few different conversations.”

“I probably got a bit out there and went too far. My bad. I’ll talk to you more about it as we go if you are open to that.” We went through and spent the next little while quietly sitting. It was a bit of an overload. Our food arrived fortunately and we got to have space to breathe. This was certainly a commitment. I hadn’t weighed it like one before. But now, there was something about it that I had to stand with.

We walked out to a cloudy but pleasant night. Ash had tried to get close to me. Given the recent meal I was still fine with it.

“Do you want to go to one last spot?”

“I suppose. Are you gonna plan a trip to LA while we’re out?”

“Nope, I promise no more surprise bombs.”

“Okay then.”

“I just have one question.”

“Yes?”

“Do you, want to hold hands while we’re out?” I responded the only way someone should. Slipping my hand into hers. We started walking back to her car.

“Question for you. Where did you learn or, what made you think about, the way you asked and talked about therapy, and how you talked to me about your own struggles. I suppose. How did you learn to talk about all of that, so candidly?”

Buckling in she started the car. “Well, I’m sorta used to cutting through the manure to get to the solution. I wanted you to know why I was so pursuant in why I asked and stuff” There was a pause. She started the car and we were quiet.

“I’m sorry I didn’t go slower. I should have. That’s on me.” She turned up the song we were listening to. It was calming. I get the feeling though it was more for me than Ash.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll talk more” I tried to get through.

“I appreciate that. I just need time to work this out.”

“Should I go home?”

“No, I still have social spoons. I just need some quiet.”