Brent and Eris' Excellent Adventure

Eris pressed against me tightly as the booth twisted and turned madly.

"Before we're done I want to stop by Vienna," Eris grinned. "There's somebody there I want to mess with."

"Oh, you want to stop and kill Hitler?" I laughed, as the booth bumped back and forth rapidly.

"Nope. Everybody wants to do that! And just Killing somebody doesn't solve ANYTHING. I Wanna call a little kid named Sigmund a momma's boy, then kick him in the nuts... you know... nicely." Eris giggled as she crushed against me. "That's gonna be a hell of a lot more fun when a bunch of people end up with THAT fetish instead."

The booth suddenly was no longer surrounded by randomly crackling energy, and after a short freefall it impacted heavily on a small rise. I shook my head as the soft sound of a general whine reduced in general.

"Ok, so..." Eris stumbled to her feet, pulling the door open and bashing my foot accidentally. "Sorry... Here ah..." She nearly fell out of the small red and white phonebooth, taking several steps, and using a quick motion of her heavenly appendages to slow herself. I took the moment to allow my gaze to roam over her split skirt and note that her ass was perfectly proportioned. She turned slowly, her face becoming invitingly...

"Knock it off, Brent, we're working here." She admonished me, Her hand coming to the collar of her leather vest and running along it. "Ok, so... look around, what does it look like?"

"It looks like... uhm... California." I glanced around the area, and apart from the quite out of context phone booth, it did indeed look exactly like California. Big Sur in fact.

"Yeah, a Lot of Mediterranean climates look Just like California," Eris groaned. "Ok, so... as we skipped over in the booth, this is Sicily, not California. Language barrier has been hand waved,"

"I still don't understand how..." I clapped my hand over my mouth as Eris gave me a warning glance.

"So... in a few minutes there's going to be a very Greek asshole walking down the path on his way for one of the most epic wuss outs of all time." She smiled at me. "We're about to change that. "

"I'm not really the pep talk kind of guy, you know..."

"No dumbass, you're going to beat him up, steal his clothes and do the deal yourself. Please pay attention to who WINS in mythology, kay?" Eris flashed a devilish smile at me. Her hand brushed a stray feather from her shoulder, and I noticed that...

"You were thinking about giving me a tattoo, weren't you? Marking me as yours..." Eris grinned at me. "Kinda sexy, but I'm going to override that one. This is me, and if I'm going to be your partner, we're partners. I stay out of your shit, you stay out of mine. I'll go back to Joan for that sex scene you want later... promise. I'll be everything you want. But I like the hard rock but doesn't really like needles look. " She smiled at me. "Look, it's flattering that you want to spend so much time on me, honestly. I'm not... Brent... Damn it, will you stop trying to set up a romance!"

I soon found myself standing on the road, completely minding my own business. Eris had secreted herself in a nearby cypress tree, after explaining that yes, she could fly, but she'd still appreciate a boost because whacking her wings on branches still fucking hurt. It wasn't really a road, more of a path, but the wheel ruts seemed familiar. Even the grass growing in the center of the median. The nearby ocean was fairly placid but the soft blue was lacking a certain something. It was then that I noticed what it was that I was missing. No roar of engines. No hum of power in the background. And my Phone hadn't buzzed in... well, forever.

"HEY, TRAVELER, Get out of the road!" Came a call from behind me.

"Are you Deaf, or a Fool?" The voice behind me called again, and I turned to face a rather... short man. I mean, wow. Short. He was clothed in what looked like a pale tan short skirt tank top combo, with what looked like a horse blanket thrown over his shoulder. And the sandals looked like... yeah, they looked like they would hurt. And a hat... oh, wow, that hat. Looked like something out of a prairie home companion. Really wide brim, which made the enraged face underneath it all the more strange in contrast.

"Oh, I am NOT wearing that." I remarked, my eyes roaming over... well, the cloak, maybe...

"Do you know who you are talking to?" The small man shouted, far louder than necessary. He also seemed to be raising himself up to his full height and was waving a large stick in my direction. Staff. He's waving a fucking staff at me.

"Uh... look, I don't want any trouble. Hey, see, here's the thing, A little while ago, I was walking down this road and..."

"I am Alpheus! The Mighty god of the river and you shall bow before me and pay proper tribute! Know that I have come to claim Artemis as she promised, and shall brook no interference from her servants!"

"Alf? Your... your name is Alf?" I shook my head, trying to contain a laugh. "I uhm.. ok, Hi Alf, here's your bow..." I brought myself to a proper bow, bringing my hands to my knees and then straightening. "and uh... tribute... tribute..." I fished in my pockets desperately hoping that something would spring to mind.

"You MOCK ME!" The short guy's face became livid with rage and he took a two handed grip on his staff. Beneath his tightly cropped beard I could see intent on his face. Holy fuck, this guy was serious. Coming in high and from the left...

I stepped forward, stomping my foot neatly in front of his. The momentary hesitation in response gave me all the opening I needed to grab his cloak, which was cinched tightly enough to serve as leverage, and slam my hip into his gut. I leaned forward, pulling him off balance. At this point, the addition of the leg spring was just showing off, but I had to go for it. It wasn't a particularly hard fall, and anybody who knew anything about taking a fall should have been able to shrug it off.

Alf, apparently, did not know anything at all about taking a fall. He lay on the path, doing a great impression of a pancake. A small bash on his head showed where he had taken a header, and rather than gracefully move with the throw had actively resisted it. It didn't look pretty, and I cringed as I realized that not breathing, and that much blood on the ground from a head wound didn't exactly mean that things were just fine.

"Uh... are you... are you ok?" I asked the body lying on the ground in front of me. "I uh... shit... shit... shit... this, dude... you... Uh.... shit... "

"OH, fuck.. perfect, fucking perfect..." Eris laughed from the tree, dropping down to land next to me with a dramatic pose that she hammed up for just long enough to be noticed. "You idiot. Here you go, trying to play nice and not hurt the guy, and he ends up killing himself. Welp... role playing time. You loot the corpse and I'll stand around and make snarky comments."

"He's... he's..."

"Yeah, you killed him. Or rather watched him trip over his own stupid pride. Either way, it's funny shit. We can tell everybody it was much cooler, or redo it later." She pulled a pack of cigarettes from her vest pocket and tapped it against her hand rapidly. "What? It's not like I can get cancer or anything, I checked the rules."

She inhaled a deep drag of what I assumed was a cigarette, but knew damn well wasn't.

"Anybody's whose offended by a little pot shouldn't be reading this anyway. I'm looking at YOU Mohammed!"

"What.. why Mohammed?"

"Because odds are that somebody named that is watching this, and is gonna get in trouble... " She giggled. "Hey, can you draw a picture of him? You know? Draw a picture of Mohammed? Because that would make things really interesting around here, especially if enough people laugh. It's cool, we can make these jokes now, they're afraid to come kill you."

She glanced down at the corpse still lying at our feet.

"Oh him? Don't worry about it, he'll be up and about eventually... maybe. Probably. Look, If you're REALLY feeling guilty about it, you can imagine a voiceover where he gives a thumbs up or something, Or we can come back and save him after the ending. We've got a fucking time machine. Now get his clothes off."

Somehow, I'm still not quite sure, in all of the rush, I ended up walking along the path, dressed in what looked a bit like a tank top miniskirt combo. And the sandals took a little getting used to, but weren't bad.