Book 2: Still no sex with Jenny

“Good evening, dear listeners. It is time to cover HighGroves second book in “Touched By Magic”

“Are we only featuring the same authors recently, Marcie? Because it feels like we are just featuring the same fucking authors.”

“It is certainly true that HighGrove got featured a bit more...prominent then we usually would.”

“And I am pretty sure that is against the rules that stipulates a three month waiting period for each story!”

“I am surprised you actually know our rules.”

“Of course I do. I'm trying to find a loophole to get out of this shit! Our backlog is longer then ever!”

“Which is why we temporarily suspended new submissions. Anyways, we are making an exception here.”

“Why.”

“Because I say so.”

“Yeah, great justification there, Empress.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“I want to kick HighGrove. I want to kick him in the nuts.”

“His gender is unspecified, Gina.”

“DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT?”

“Alright, why, dear Gina, do you wish to inflict physical harm upon this author?”

“Do you want me to give you a fucking list?”

“I mean, I don't mind if you do bullet points, but I would appreciate if we can fit them into a clever and witty review.”

• Jenny is fucking straight!
• Queen Bea is ripping me off!
• Book Two isn't finished yet!
• There was no sex scene with Jenny!
• Max did nothing wrong
• HighGrove called Jenny boring!
• And Jenny is fucking straight!

“Alright, guess we are skipping the clever and witty review part.”

“All I wanted from this is for Ash and Jenny to fall in love while Isabelle gets killed. Is that really so much to ask for?”

“I mean, killing off a character just so your favorite ship has a chance to sail is in extremely poor taste.”

“No, it is in good taste! Isabelle fucking sucks!”

“Besides, if someone is going to die out of the trio, my money is honestly on Jenny.”

“Don't you even joke about that, Marcie.”

“I don't think it is going to happen. HighGrove doesn't strike me as that kind of author. I just...don't rule it out? Jenny is the least important of the trio. And there is that very ominous end of chapter note on Chapter 39.”

“Screw you! Jenny is very important when it comes to hitting stuff with a bat!”

“Also...Max did nothing wrong?”

“Oh, I just put that in to piss HighGrove off. Fuck that guy.”

“Whelp...this review is officially ****.”

“ Let's go rob its corpse!”

“The story picks right up where Book 1 left us, with Ash and friends mostly enjoying school life. These first few chapters are..hmm...”

“Fucking boring, that's what they are.”

“I wouldn't go so far. They where still entertaining to read. It's just that eight chapter of table setting on Book Two, does feel a bit excessive.”

“Boring.”

“I mean, it's not just meaningless fluff. We get non formally introduced to the trio of witches referred to as “The Others”. Don't you want to talk about your Queen Bea?”

“How the fuck can you be so nonchalant about this? Harshly criticizing stuff is OUR thing!”

“You are aware that a whole industry has sprung up around harshly criticizing things on youtube? Like, at least a decade ago?”

“Yeah! But I am also a Queen! This is clear plagiarization!”

“Gina, unless the name is unkown7 it is extremely unlikely that anyone has plagiarized anything from us. Also neither you nor Bea are a Queen.”

“Marcie, have you seen how much Bea is triggering Ash? This is a challenge! We need to trigger HighGrove at least twice as hard!”

“Please, Gina. My intention is never to “trigger” anybody. I merely speak the truth. And if people can't handle the truth that is not my problem.”

“Just you wait! When I'm done here HighGrove is gonna change his name to LowGrove!”

“Well, I suppose it is good to be enthusiastic. Anyways. Ash and Isabelle fool around in front of the farm and accidentally roll into another dimension.”

“Into elf kingdom.”

“Quite. A place full of whimsy and...”

“Lets just skip forward to that thing.”

“You mean the eldritch horror?”

---

Breasts the size of elephants gurgle and groan as they rest enormously on the ground, a pair of elves in full diving suits holding either barrel-sized nipple in a headlock to direct the river of thick milk they spew out down a huge drain.

---

“Not even Dickgirl-Guy could come up with something so grotesque.”

“Don't tempt him.”

“This horrifying mass of flesh is called the Great Mother and she is the elves leader or some shit? I was too busy trying not to vomit to pay attention. I know HighGrove has a mommy fetish, but holy fat cow there are limits!”

“I don't think this is supposed to be erotic, Gina. Although there are definitely people out there who will find this erotic.”

“You know what's erotic? Jenny rushing in their with a flaming bat and beating the shit out of Rhys! Also fuck Rhys. I hope he dies a horrible ****.”

“Gina please.”

“He turned Jenny straight!”

“I don't think she was ever not straight. More important, the Elves are hardcore Earthaboos.”

“The fuck?”

“You know, like a Weaboo. Just for the entire earth.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, Marcie. I think you misheard me. Allow me to articulate myself again. *Ehem*. The fuck?”

“Basically they love everything about earth, to the point that Elflands whole culture got through so much appropriation that they could serve as conservative propaganda.”

“Yeah, yeah and they are stuck in the 80's because that is the last time they made contact. Can we move this fucking plot along now?”

“Thanks for bringing this up, Gina. So, Donna and Rhys, Queen and Prince, respectively decide to abandon their royal duties and join Ash and friends on a cultural exchange mission.”

“This is dumb. Everything about this is dumb. Why aren't you more offended by this? Statecraft is your entire fetish.”

“Tsk tsk tsk. Gina Stormwalker. You are correct in assuming that I would usually pounce on this blatant mockery of a nation. Now, pray tell me. Why am I not doing this?”

“Uh...you have something else up your sleeve?”

“Precisely. Mark my words, I will destroy HighGrove with this. The shame will be so unbearable that he most likely won't even be able to finish the story.”

“Suure.”

“You are underestimating me. Cute. This is so devastating that I shall refrain from revealing my hand until the end of this review. It will be the trigger to end all triggers.”

“Your hyping this up way too much, It's probably something stupid like the fact that Rhys couldn't possibly have had Pokemon Red if their last contact was in the 80's.”

“!!!!”

“What? Bullseye?”

“...it's not stupid. Pokemon Red came out in 1996 and that's only the Japanese version...also the elves didn't know about Princess Dianna's ****, so...that's a clear gap. I mean what, are we to believe that this is some sort of magic time traveling cartridge or something? Ha..ha..ha.”

“Marcie please.”

“Don't you Marcie please me! I have more, you know! Ebay exists since 95! Asher should totally be aware of what it is! Weird Al wrote a song about it in 03!”

“Marcie, Stop, just stop.”

“Ugh...”

ONE COMPOSURE BREAK LATER

“Alright, we are back on earth and the plot FINALLY gets going.”

“One of the others...Gal-igula...pfft....”

“No, bad Marcie!”

“I apologize. It is just a very clever pun. Almost on my comedic level, even.”

“That's not a compliment.”

“Anyways, Gal is the first of the trio of Others we met and she is a bit of a slob.”

“A bit, yeah right. Just because your standards for hygiene are that low doesn't mean this freak isn't absolutely disgusting.”

“First. I thank you not calling my cleaning regiment into question. Second, objectively speaking she isn't the worst we have featured here.”

“Ok fair. HighGrove is too innocent to write really disgusting shit. He probably would faint if he had to read that ninja story, or anything from unkown7.”

“Ultimately, Gal is just pathetic and pitiful. Reminds me a bit of Susan really.”

“Next up is Aisha who has classic CHYOA Protagonist Bullshit powers at work. Everyone around her is slowly falling in love with her.”

“I definitely have to call her out on announcing her powers to the heroes. That is remarkably non genre savy. Reminds me a bit of Susan really.”

“Agreed. The Milky Maids took out their mistress. Take them serious, dumbfucks! The Others aren't even working together. They all just do their own thing and hate each other!”

“And this is why the Milky Maids will ultimately prevail, through the power of...”

“Don't say it!”

“proper strategy and a solid logistic setup.”

“Right...”

“Credit where credit is due. The Milky Maids do their due diligence. They set up a working supply system and even managed to **** The Others into very one sided terms of war due to their own hubris.”

“Bea is smart, but that girl has no leading qualities. Bitch is way too arrogant.”

“Well, I think I have to change my mind. She might be a rip off of you after all.”

“Oh, fuck you, Marcie!”

“That said, while I can appreciate the planning, wouldn't you say the Milky Maids get a tad too lucky sometimes?”

“I noticed that too. That thing with the Ardor and Gal was bullshit. What are the fucking chances?”

“As well as Guy getting exposed. It does make for a dramatic scene, I give HighGrove that.”

“It was a pretty stupid idea to have someone on the list work as a spy in the first place. Aisha might actually be the dumbest of the trio.”

“A query. If Aisha is planning to win this war without doing anything, then why is she actively doing something? I had high hopes for her initially, but at this point she is definitely my least favorite of the Others.”

“So we are about caught up now, right? Initially, this was supposed to cover all of Book 2, but HighGrove didn't finish the fucking book!”

“While unfortunate, I would hate to rush HighGrove. We are coming to the climax of Book 2 after all, and speaking of...”

“Oh, fuck me.”

“I did not get off to this.”

“Geez, what a surprise.”

“What can I say? The Milky Maids signature punishment of turning bastards into bimbos just doesn't do it for me. Besides, I view the erotic content in this story more as salad dressing. It spices things up, but it certainly isn't the motivator for reading.”

“There is like one fucking sex scene in the entire book.”

“And you know what? I can appreciate that. There are no shoehorned in sex scenes. Everything serves a narrative purpose. I take it you agree?”

“...no...I..fuck..I really hate to admit it...but...I...kinda did.”

“Really? Well, congratulation of finally getting out of the desert then.”

“Yeah, yeah, yay me. We done?”

“Which scene was it? One with the Woo Girls? But these all involved dicks..”

“It's not important...”

“Don't tell it me it was AsherxMallory.”

---

Since when is your Oscar this close to life-sized?

---

“Of course not! That was cringy as fuck!”

“Ok, out with it, Gina.”

“...Jessie.”

“What?”

“That scene where Ash and Jessie...cuddled.”

“Oh.”

“Urgh...”

“That is kinda adorable. Well, ignoring the incestuous undertone of course.”

“Shut up...It was just kinda...nice...to see Ash care and empathize...”

“Yeah, never mind Bea. All things considered Jessie is the person most similar to you.”

“Not really...I don't give a shit about...”

"..."

"What?"

“...wanna cuddle?”

“...I guess...”