Blake Fucks It All Up

There is nothing for a moment, no movement from any of us. The closest we come is Blake, who is just kind of shuddering in the aftermath of his climax as he breathes heavily and we all contend with what we witnessed.

Rachel, who among us comes closest to the wronged party here, is the first to react.

"No," she mewls, whining as she shivers and pulls forward and away from him, "I was so close."

She's not really addressing him. She's not really bemoaning any of it or even complaining about it to us. Because in the instant she, still burning hot and still aching with need, embraces the fullness of the letdown that Blake has gifted her with she is alone in this space.

The light of the screen is bright enough that I can make out little details but not enough. Still I can see enough to notice the burning in Blake's cheeks, the little bit of shame as he breathes heavily and his eyes flit everywhere they can go without meeting any of ours.

On the one hand the man put up a more than decent performance and honestly did a far better job than I ever could have done if I was in his position. I know that the male version of me, especially at this point in his life, wouldn't have been able to last a tenth of the amount of time that Blake did.

But on the other hand.,,

"I was so close," she breathes, shuddering as her eyes close and she bites her bottom lip and curls her legs up under her, her knees sliding close as she shifts her weight so she's no longer on all fours and ready to get fucked.

I can't bring myself to muster an awful lot of sympathy for Blake. This whole situation is a nightmare situation, the kind that could really create the sort of lasting trauma that really lives with you and I know it. One of those moments that you remember ten or fifteen or twenty years down the road and you just have to cringe and tense, taking a moment and wincing while you are drawn back to the instant and the hot blushing shame of it.

I've got more than a few of those moments so I can be empathetic. Realize that this is one of those formative kind of instants and just truly put myself in his shoes and maybe even find some way to make things better for him.

If only...

If only it wasn't Blake.

He won't meet my eye. He won't meet anyone's eye but Rachel will turn to look at him and even though he's not meeting her gaze he can feel the anger bubbling out from her. Even though he doesn't see it, he can no doubt feel the withering touch of her disdain as he lips curl in frustration and disgust.

It's all happening in an instant, only a few passing seconds as I stare transfixed. But for me and for him it no doubt feels like an eternity.

My relationship with Blake was complicated before, in my old life, in a way that relationships are always complicated with people you hate and envy in equal parts. He made my life a living hell while at the same time living an existence that I would have given nearly anything to have. I wanted Blake to stop bullying me but I wanted to be him too, certain all the while that if I got the chance that I would be better.

And if it was complicated then, becoming a woman has certainly not made it any less complicated. Sure he's not bullying me but he's not exactly being kind either and there is the way he clearly is pushing me towards becoming the kind of woman he wants and the fact that my body is only too willing to give that to him all mixed up together into one tangled mess.

But sympathy wasn't a thread in any of that. I didn't have any sympathy or envy for him. My body might ache for him and my gut might scream out over and over again that he could make me feel good, but when he hurt I didn't want to wrap him up in a blanket and let him know that it was all going to be alright.

No. Every second that passed in this agony of shame was a moment I relished, I memorized, I loved. Every second stretching out for eternity wasn't long enough.

Fuck you Blake. Now you know what it's like to feel the world spinning away from you and not be able to do a damn thing to stop it.

Fuck you Blake. Maybe now you'll learn a bit of humility.

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