Chapter 20
by 
4og8zzjkc
So, How Does Day 1 Go Now?
Behind the Scenes: A Response to a Review
The Show-runner
The following side story (that will have some very minor effect on the main meta-storyline of the Hotel) is a response to a review of my first season. Go give it a read; it will help all of this make sense. Due to the nature of the time differential between the events reviewed and the timeline of the story, I am presenting two different versions of this reply. The one below is the spicy version (id est, all of the spoilers). If you wish to avoid spoilers for the first season, check out the “safe for Marcie and Gina” version. Most of them have been scrubbed there. Enjoy!
Daphne
Mail time! Daphne is, of course, always super excited when the interdimensional mail comes in. And something special came in today: a copy of Marcie and Gina Reviews, the official magazine of the exquisite duo of smut analyzers. Daphne carefully flips through the magazine, looking forward to reading their critiques; the family is already putting on a season and the twosome may have some interesting ideas. Then, she sees it. They reviewed us? They reviewed us! So exciting! We gotta do a response! Ah, ah, ah, Beloved!
Daphne stops reading and figures out how to use the photocopier to reproduce the article twice. She knows she should read it with someone else. That is the point of the response format. The mermaid makes a brief detour to frame the magazine (she’ll get another from the Harem Hotel Store by Scarlet’s spa for reading the other articles), once again using an already hung empty frame for Hardric’s hopefully soon to be forthcoming first letter. She’s gotten better at fiddling with frames (helping Skye frame and hang baby pictures was good practice), so it doesn’t take too long; soon enough, the magazine is hanging right by Emi’s sketch of her and her Trinity signed copy of Matrix Revolutions on laserdisc. Oh, yeah! Time to respond!
Daphne teleports into her Beloved’s office. The room is decorated with tokens of their adventures, both during the season and after. An entire wall is a saltwater tank, filled to the brim with marine life (including some sharks, Daphne notes, hoping this would please Gina) caught from the docks. On the other wall, bookshelves and knickknacks. A comfortable reading nook that Daphne is sure to drag her Beloved to for the scene. She’ll need to make sure not to note that the skull of Mr. C was used as the base of the glass table between the comfy overstuffed chairs. The electric fireplace is safe, as are most of the books. Okay! Let’s do this!
Her Beloved is on the phone, sitting behind her desk, one eye on some report or another. The dark mahogany of the desk has been polished to a dull sheen. Overhead, the skull of a kraken. Her Beloved has a thing about killing krakens. Daphne knows she shouldn’t think about the phone for the purposes of avoiding spoilers. She can’t help but listen to the tail end of the conversation.
“When the time is right, I will gladly take the consultation assistance. I will note that Ms. E is not one to want a mere binding; she's not just wanting to restore the status quo. But, for now, I will keep it in the back of my mind.”
Her Beloved looks up and sees Daphne standing there. Daphne focuses on how pretty her Beloved’s eyes are, again wanting to avoid spoilers. So blue, like the sky above the waters on a sunny day.
“Shoot. Got to go. Most of my companions are a little prickly right now (for good reason). Duty calls.”
Her Beloved hangs up the phone Daphne shouldn’t think about and addresses the mermaid, “Hey, Daph. What has you so excited? I mean, our private time is still a couple of hours away and I still got work to do so...”
“Beloved! We need to set up a shoot! Marcie and Gina reviewed our season!”
“Who?”
“Marcie and Gina? Beloved, you can’t be seriously telling me you don’t know who Marcie and Gina are? They are the most premier smut critics of the multiverse. Getting reviewed, and most likely roasted, by them is a supreme honor! Here!”
Daphne loads up Marcie and Gina’s website and it takes but a moment for her Beloved to respond, “Oh, yeah, I vaguely remember those weirdos. I guess they weren’t crashing Andy’s birthday party after all.”
“Beloved, we have to watch out for spoilers. They only read to when I got added to your harem. They can’t know that you were at the party yet.”
Her Beloved looks confused. “Read?”
“Yeah! In their dimension, the show is broadcast in read-only format. Their story is also on the network website for them. Here, let me load it up for you.”
Daphne pulls up the story for her Beloved to read.
READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)
“Okay, wow. I get that it’s a little hypocritical, given what all happened to us, but Gina, I am so, so sorry for what continues to happen to you. You have more than paid for whatever sins you have committed. Do you want to be free of Marcie? I’m sure that our producer could break the magical compulsion to follow Marcie’s commands.”
“Ah, Beloved, Ora wouldn’t like that.”
“The cosmic entity mentioned in passing towards the ending of their origin? Why does that name sound so familiar? Don’t tell me...”
WATCHING IN PROGRESS (BGM)
Her Beloved sounds annoyed, “Stupid only passive-aggression pact among Hosts. Fine. Nevermind. I guess we should read this review, right?”
“First, Beloved, we both need to get into character. Again, no spoilers, which means we need to look like we did when we were where they read to.” Daphne casts Alter Self to grow the requisite height and muscles to appear like she did before the second challenge.
“Uh, why? If they are just going to read this response, don’t we just need to talk?”
“Visual descriptions are a part of the text.”
Her Beloved rolls her eyes and she sighs, “Fine.” One cast of Disguise Self later, and her Beloved is now “Francis.” They both sit in the reading nook (Daphne careful not to think too much about the dead producer nook table) and pour over the review.
READING IN PROGRESS (BGM or BGM [if the music is supposed to reflect the review instead of a counterpick of the music in the review])
The Broadcast
“Okay, so I feel less bad about Gina now. Still, it is kind of nice to see Marcie humiliated after reading through all of that **** she laid on Gina.”
“Francis” sets down the photocopied article as “he” rubs the bridge of “his” nose, which means a couple of fingers sinks into the Disguise Self illusion. Daphne is too busy drooling over Marcie’s uncovered egg sacs (despite the cow costume) dripping milk to really read.
“Still with me, Daph?”
“Egg sacs… Big, leaky egg sacs…”
“Francis” takes the page from Daphne. The mermaid pouts a little, then “Francis” starts to read aloud the bits “he” finds worthy of commentary.
“Sorry, blame this fucker for having one of the most revolting titles we came across.”
“Haa…”
“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to complain first. The age, the obnoxious bracket or that abomination of an username.”
“You are the one familiar with all of this Daph. Why are they complaining about the username?”
“Oh,” the mermaid answers, “That would be a show-runner question. It was the one to do the show transcript for the website. It’s in your office aquarium.”
“Francis” approaches the tank, where “he” sees a Speak ‘n’ Spell in the tank. “He” never questioned the red plastic child’s keyboard being in the office aquarium before, figuring that it was a toy left behind by either Ophelia or the mermaid twins. A sea slug approaches and mashes its face into the toy.
“HELLO”
Taken less aback than “he” expected, “Francis” addresses the nudibranch, “Uh, hi? This is some show weirdness, isn’t it?”
The sea slug bobs its body in a noncommittal manner.
“So, username complaint?”
“I SMASHED MY EYE STALKS INTO THE KEYBOARD UNTIL THE SYSTEM ACCEPTED MY USERNAME”
“Okay, then. Nice to meet you, I guess? I’m just going to go back... over there.”
Returning to “his” seat by “his” beloved mermaid, “Francis” sighs, “I suppose the parenthetical Complete addition to the title is due to the nature of the website. Readers may like the idea that a story is finished before starting. Also, brackets at the sharped edged parenthetical markings; those are parentheses proper. As far as the age thing goes, that is a good question, actually. Why snag me when I was nearly 50?”
“Oh, easy peasy, Beloved. We wanted you to be de-aged gradually as a reward for the contestants playing the game. That’s why the hag plugged in the age transformation thing super early.”
“So, not only would I be ‘stuck as a guy’ if they didn’t play along but I would be also twice every else’s age?”
“Yup.”
“Well, good thing we played the game, right?”
Daphne gives “Francis” a love headbutt, hissing “Spoilers.”
“Noted.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this but Beckie might be a worse host then Al. And it shouldn’t be physically possible to be a worse host then Al.”
“Why highlight the insult to the hag, Beloved?”
“Francis” shrugs, “I mean, I agree with the sentiment, but there are a slew of Hosts just as bad or worse than Al. I mean...”
Daphne cups “Francis’s” mouth with her hand. “Spoilers, Beloved. The hag and Al are the worst Hosts Marcie and Gina have reviewed. I mean, Lucy is pretty close, but he is in a different category of bad than those two.”
Daphne removes her hand. “Francis” adds, “I guess while we are here, thank you for resisting the low hanging fruit of ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ for the musical interlude. Though I was more of a fan of Ocarina of Time than Banjo Kazooie.”
“And thank you for not using something from the soundtrack of The Little Mermaid.”
“But we already saw the name of the master in the title! We know it’s a guy! You stupid hag!”
“Here we have a bit of ignorance, Daphne, both of etymology and of the show’s gimmick. While more commonly spelled Frances for females, Francis is actually a unisex name. Kind of like how Ashley is traditionally a feminine name, but men are sometimes named Ashley, too. The fact that a number of commenters threw an Internet hissy fit on the Harem Hotel Hereafter forums at my reveal would indicate that a measurable percentage of the audience thought that I was a woman with a more masculine spelling of an acceptable woman’s name based on the title. As far as the gimmick goes, most of the contestants didn’t know, so the compelled speech prevented the secret getting out. One has to consider the perspective of the contestants, not just the audience.”
“Eh, give Gina a break, Beloved. She barely passed high school.”
“I-is that a hair fetish? What kind of weird ass freak has a fucking hair fetish?”
Seeing Daphne about to hiss about spoilers again, “Francis” chooses “his” words carefully. “Ignoring the fact that similar hair transformations have appeared in other seasons, I appreciated the hair growth, both aesthetically and mechanically, even with the erogenous zone side effect. Given the game’s premise, it makes sense to start with something relatively benign to get me used to the idea of becoming a woman. You think hopping straight to BE was going to get me to buy-in to the game?”
“Francis” mulls over an argument, then begins. Daphne looks more concerned as it goes on, “Imagine if you were stuck in the reverse situation, Gina. You are in a game where you are being **** to become male. Would you want the first change to be something within the realm of ‘a woman could be like this,’ like, say, height increases? Guys can and sometimes do wear their hair long. Or would you like to go straight to ‘grow a cock and balls’?”
“Uhm, Beloved, Gina doesn’t like the futanari archetype and you just asked her to imagine being one.”
“So, point me?”
“Ah, sure.”
[quote cut to avoid quote-ception]
“And there’s the Dragonball reference. Now we only need Disney.”
Daphne quips, “Josie’s going to be so peeved when I tell her that she unintentionally referenced a nerd thing.”
“IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?”
[quote cut to avoid quote-ception]
“Oh, it’s just a mermaid. That’s disappointing. And disgusting.”
Daphne starts to loom up, and “Francis” is the one to say, “Spoilers.”
“Just because I am a mermaid doesn’t make me a disappointment or an object of disgust. You should like me! I got sexy teeth like a shark!” The mermaid sits back down with a pout.
“I am guessing you partially like these goofballs because Gina likes sharks?”
Sniffing away some watery eyes, Daphne nods.
“Well, I think you are very shark like, Daph.”
Daphne shows off her shark toothy grin, “Would you say I am your sexy shark girl, ‘Francis’?”
Daphne squees like Tina when she gets the affirming nod.
“Is it just me or did Indigo’s personality do a complete 180?”
“It does feel a bit like that does it? The author must have just decided at some point to use her as a heel character and just went with it. Even her POV title changed from Añil to Indigo.”
“Indi lived in Minnesota. You know how few people of Hispanic heritage live in Minnesota? It makes perfect sense for her to go by a nickname, given how odd the virgulilla sound can be for non-Spanish speakers. She did explain it during her introduction in the opening, if you were paying attention.”
The sea slug mashes its face into the Speak ‘n’ Spell again, “AND THE KEYBOARD SHORTCUT FOR Ñ WAS GETTING ANNOYING TO ENTER REPEATEDLY”
“Thank you, Show-runner!” Daphne quips.
“As far as the personality goes, Añil was having a traumatic ****, then settled into the situation as her normal self. Surely, you can relate to the situation of having your life suddenly thrown upside down by say, an idiotic evil deity cursing you to always follow directions?”
“Ha, remaining on subject. While Jenny’s fate is horrendous, I do not think it carries the same weight as Katherine or even wrynn’s flashback season.”
“Yeah because cbfsj541bdcfsdx doesn’t bring her up constantly like cow-guy.”
“Yes, it is more disturbing backdrop and thus lacks a bit of punch.”
“Jenny was introduced at Dinah’s first date, which was immediately before the first challenge. Jenny does get brought up multiple times over the course of the season, but point taken, I guess? Strange you would argue that when you have not read much further than Jenny’s introduction. The Wrynn season hasn’t gotten to a flashback; it’s still in Round Zero aftermath even after laying in production limbo for like a year. Are they misattributing Shar’s season to that Wrynn Soulcatcher dragon-chick? That’s a great way to get hate mail. Also, who is cow-guy?”
The Wrynn season statements came out too fast for Daphne to remind “Francis” not to spoil anything, so she just shrugs past that potential error. She instead addresses the question, “Oh, cow-guy is a regular review fodder generator. They like to complain about his lactating cow-girl and pregnancy obsessions.”
“So, like Wrynn and Shar, at least as far as the lactation fetish is concerned?”
“Uhm… yeah.”
“And a lot of fucking scumbags. One of them apparently turns all her contestant into penguins. Sick freak.”
“True. The author, 4og...
“Oh fuck off, Marcie. I’m just calling him Bob. Every scumbag in the story is called Bob, so it’s fitting.”
“Contradiction right there, Gina. Only one scumbag named Bob mentioned in the season. There was even a female Francis scumbag, though she used the more common Frances spelling. Gwendolyn was the penguin scumbag.”
“No fanmail either. I guess nobody wants to have anything to do with the host hag.”
The elvenoids in the room both make a face of annoyance at that. The Speak ‘n’ Spell intones, “SPOILERS”
Daphne pipes up regardless, “I am still waiting for a letter, Hardric.”
“You see, this is actually a reference to a short lived video game mascot named Jazz Jackrabbiiiiii!!!!”
“Incorrect. That transformation is a reference to a different green cartoon rabbit, Bucky O’Hare. Had a cartoon, video game, comics, and action figures. He was the leader of a rebellion against space toads. Thus the seemingly random toad hatred thing at the end. If it was to be a Jazz Jackrabbit reference, the hatred would have been for turtles. Or a speed boost thing? I am not sure.”
“Oh, and one of the not shark girls joins the harem. There’s a bunch of them but [they’re] not sharks so who cares?”
“Permission to go cast True Polymorph on Gina to make her a mermaid, Beloved?”
“Spoilers. Also, denied.”
Daphne pouts again.
“No, the milk transformation. All they need is to feed the brat some of the [doc’s] milk to mind control her into stop being a little shit. Easy.”
The elvenoids in the room both make a face at that, this time the kind of look you give a particularly grotesque car crash. The Speak ‘n’ Spell again intones, “SPOILERS”
“My, Gina. I am surprised you did not pick Daphne.”
“Marcie. Listen to me carefully. I like sharks. In a non sexual manner. These sluts are the most hypersexualized cumguzzlings freaks out there. And they aren’t even sharks!”
“Point taken.”
“Now can I have permission to go cast True Polymorph on Gina to make her a mermaid? Or a dolphin? Gina hates dolphins, those foul-mouthed, gang **** scumbags.”
“This was your idea, Daph.”
“Please! She is insulting our kids, too, with the mermaid slander.”
“Francis” sighs, “We are not going to break Gina, but you can send some of those temporary mermaid potions their way if you want. Maybe she’ll appreciate how cool you are when she can swim around and rend a dolphin apart with her sexy mermaid teeth?”
Daphne looks strangely happy with that.
“And that’s basically their review, outside of the weird milking aside going on throughout. Choosing to play out their milking fetish while reviewing us feels unprofessional, but they critique smut for a living, so whatever. Sure, they complain about most of the girls being too same-y, while skipping over 90% of the airtime (where most character development occurs), which did include an Indi body control scene, but that may just be either a reading comprehension or an attention span issue on them. They seem... easily distracted. Did you want some Marcie Milk, Daph?”
Daphne’s happy mood continues, “Ooooh. Yes, please. Can you get them to autograph the bottle?”
“I will see what I can do when I put in the order. Think we can pay them in potions, gold, or will I have to look into interdimensional currency exchanges?”
“Eh, Little Miss can sort it out.”
“Francis” stands and stretches. “I suppose they deserve a present, since they did take the time to review us and all that. They want sharks on Harem Hotel? Let’s get them some sharks on Harem Hotel. Wanna see how far we can push the only passive-aggression pact?”
Daphne beams as she stands up. The two walk out the office, hand in hand. The show-runner lays at the bottom of the aquarium tank, mashing into the Speak ‘n’ Spell one more time, “HEY GUYS I THOUGHT WE HAVE BECOME FRIENDS WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME HERE PLEASE I AM SO LONELY GUYS”
It's Alt-0241, If You're Curious
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