Baths & Bribes

“How l-l-long d-do I ha—ave to s-stay here, cat?!” Gioia complained through her chattering teeth.

“Pff, quit yer whinin’, ya wimp.” Mocked the cat. “Ya haven’t been in the water that long.”

“It’s b-been FOUR HOURS!” Yelled Gioia. “That man over there by the riverside has started and finished his painting since I got here, and I dread that he painted me!”

“Eh, don’t flatter yerself. Probably painting the countryside.” The cat’s ears jolted up at the sound of an approaching coach. “There they are. Just follow my lead.”

The cat ran towards the coach, loudly ordering it to stop.

“Who do you think you are, cat, to order the queen’s coach to stop?” Spoke the coachman, the queen poking her head out of the window.

“It’s the Marchioness of Carabas! Some rogues mugged the lady, and left her without so much as her undergarments!” Lied the cat, pointing it’s paws at Gioia who could do nothing but blush the hottest red.

“What a tragedy!” Cried the queen. “Marchioness, please enter our coach, lest any more peasants see you in this state!”

Feeling relieved that her hourlong stay in the water had ended Gioia quickly stepped out of the water and into the coach, the coachman taking a quick peek of the woman’s behind as she did.

“Thank you for the hospitality, your majesty.” Thanked Gioia, turning somehow even redder when she saw the handsome prince (Maxime Bouttier). “I suppose you don’t have anything for me to burrow?”

“Unfortunately, we do not.” Said the queen. “Please, sit between us so that onlookers may not see you from the windows.”

Gioia’s heart almost exploded from shame when she sat next to the matriarch and the prince, but endured with gritted teeth. “S-so, where neither of you surprised that my cat can talk?”

“Why should we be?” Answered the queen.

“Cats can talk, it’s pretty common knowledge.” Continued the prince.

“Why, my sister had like six cats. They never could shut their annoying lil’ mouths.” Spoke the coachman muffled through the coach.

“You’re kidding, right?” Said Gioia in disbelief.

“Now, unto phase two of my plan.” Spoke the cat to itself as it sprinted ahead, passing by the painter. “Huh, I guess he was painting Gioia.”

Soon, the cat reached a meadow being worked by the countrymen. He approached the man and spoke: “My good fellows, here’s how things are gonna go down. When the queen comes by later, ya’ll tell her this land belongs to the Marchioness of Carabas. And if ya don’t, ya shall be chopped as small as mince-meat.“

The countrymen stared in disbelief, before they almost collapsed from laughter. “Ohh, don’t hurt us, kitty. Us three adult men have no hope against one tiny little cat.”

“W-well, that’s… erm…” stammered the cat. He truly thought that this would work.

“My good feline, here’s how things are actually gonna go down. When the queen comes by later, we’ll tell her the land belong to that March-ness or whatever.”

“Great, I-

“… for a little bribe.” Grinned the countryman.

“Figures. How much do you want?”

The man kneeled down and whispered in the cat’s ear, it’s tail dropping down.

“That’s insane!” He yelled in protest.

“Maybe, but those are our terms.”

The cat sighed. “Fine, ya win. Just give me a couple of minutes.” The feline dashed back to Gioia’s home, then a general store and then back to the countrymen in less then fifteen minutes. “Here’s yer money. Now, do we have a deal?”

Inspecting the validity of the money, the countrymen agreed.

“Great! Now if y’all excuse me, I have to convince a lot more countrymen. Hopefully, they won’t ask as much.”

Unfortunately, they did.

A little while later the coach arrived at the meadow, where the queen asked who owned the land.

“Why, the Marchioness of Carabas of course.” The countrymen spoke, the queen nodded in response.

The cat ran back to the coach, jumping through the window. “Hey, I don’t know how you pulled this off, but you’re scheme is working.” Whispered Gioia.

“Yeeeeaaaaahhh, ‘bout that…” said the cat, avoiding her gaze. “Ya see, I kinda had to bribe these men, as well as several others.”

“Cat, how much did you spent?” The cat whispered even quieter in her ear. “What?! We don’t even have that kind of money.”

“Yeah, so in order to get that, I sorta sold yer stuff…”

“How much…?” Gioia said coldly, staring daggers at the cat.

“Everything. Yer furniture, yer house, yer clothes, the whole shebang.”

“So you’re telling me that if this plan fails, I’ll be left homeless and clothesless?!” Growled Gioia.

“Don’tcha worry. I’m one-hundred percent certain that my plan will most likely succeed.”

“If it won’t, I at least know where to get a small furcoat…”