Baring All

“Why’d you do it?” Jake didn’t sound angry or defeated, it sounded like he was feeling his way in the dark.

“I don’t know” Lily’s face dropped “it’s not like there was any specific thing that made me decide one day that it was going to happen.”

“But something made you decide that day.”

“Yeah.” Lily took a deep breath in “everything that’s happened, all this new stuff we’ve been doing…” she let Jake soak in the emphasized ‘stuff’.

She could see Jake watching her, listening attentively and telling her with his eyes to continue.

“It’s just made me feel all sorts of ways. I feel sexy, I feel wanted. Not that you don’t make me feel wanted, you do! But it’s a different feeling when it’s someone who isn’t your partner. It’s like ‘yeah I’m hot shit, you should want me!’”

Jake nodded along. He could relate to that feeling. Lily turning into the girl she was today felt like he was showing her off proudly to the world.

“And knowing guys were getting so worked up for me was just sending me spiraling in such a good way. When I saw it…”

“It?”

“Logan. His hard on. I don’t know. It made me feel like I was in control. I did that! Ya know? I made that happen for him! Me!” She caught how triumphant she had sounded and searched his face for a hint of how he felt about that.

“You must’ve made a hundred dicks hard since you went away.” Jake smiled, but it felt more out of disbelief in what he was hearing.

“Sure, but this was the first time I was actually seeing it. At least aside from you, I knew I could do that to you.”

“Am I not enough?” There it was, the elephant in the room. Lily knew it was coming eventually. Jake hadn’t asked yet because he feared the answer.

“Jake, that’s not it.” Lily’s voice trembled at the idea that she could make him think such a thing “you’re more than enough for me.”

“But you still did it?”

“I guess… I don’t know, I guess there was a part of me that wanted to see how far I could I drag him.”

“You enjoyed it?” Jake was holding his gaze as Lily continued.

“Yeah…” she turned sheepishly and covered her still bare chest, remembering the admission she had given not long before “the sex was nice. But it was more the experience that made me tick.”

Jake sat in silence for a while as he tried to organize his thoughts. He had imagined this a million times, and suddenly it was thrust upon him with no warning or care. He felt betrayed and fulfilled all that same time and he needed to separate those thoughts in order to move forward.

“Can I tell you something?” Jake spat quickly, like he was trying to say it before he could stop himself.

“Anything. Everything!”

“I’ve been having these fantasies….” He began. Lily looked confused, not sure how this would relate to the conversation at hand.

“In these fantasies, you’re… well you’re doing exactly what you did with Logan.”

“Having sex?” She questioned carefully “I think it’s pretty normal to think about having sex with your girlfriend.”

Jake laughed, genuinely this time. “I don’t think it’s normal the way I think about it.”

Lily held her tongue in anticipation for where Jake may be taking this. He looked embarrassed, ashamed, and she wanted to hug him tight and reassure him that he could tell her anything. She hoped he hadn’t forgotten in the aftermath of this… mess.

“I think about you having sex with other men.” He said it so matter of factly, like there was no indecision, no possibility for him to be misconstrued.

“I’ve had these fantasies since that time at the river probably. They started slow and I tried to push them out because it’s weird. It’s wrong. It isn’t normal. But the more stuff you did, the sluttier you dressed, the more you showed off, the fantasies just got stronger and more… I don’t know more real feeling?”

Lily was stunned. She didn’t know what to expect but it certainly wasn’t this.

“It became all I could think about. I even fucking went down a rabbit hole to try and explain it to myself!”

“You…” Lily was responding hesitantly, like any wrong move would send him running “you want to be a cuck?”

“NO!” He snapped. His eyes raked over her still naked body, wondering where she even learned that phrase “I never wanted to be humiliated. I never wanted you to do it behind my back!”

Lily’s eyes began to well up with tears as his last words stung. She didn’t know what to make of what he was telling her and so she clung to that phrase, all of the guilt flooding back in.

“Isn’t being cheated on by definition humiliating?” Lily sniffled.

“Not how I was picturing it.” His eyes darted around the room looking for words. “In my head I was always involved, I encouraged you… and you told me everything.”

She had told him everything about anything prior to this incident. Why was it that she broke?

“I think I like it for the same reason you liked fucking Logan just… on the flip side I guess.” Lily flinched hearing the f word. “Picturing you free to submit to your pleasure, seeing guys enjoy you just while I allow them. Like I’m saying ‘yeah that’s mine, take her for a spin’ but then I’m the one that you come home to. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I love you more than anything— I want you to be pleased in every way. Part of me was happy for you when you told me about what had happened, like what the fuck is that about? I didn’t know if I could handle actually going through with any of these dirty thoughts. But then you told me. And after you went home last night I couldn’t stop imaging what it was like in that room. It turned me on.”

She had to admit that she kind of liked the idea. She loved to be watched, she loved people knowing she was a sexual being. Would it be the same if I was having sex and Jake knew about it? Oh my god, it feels so great to be desired and Jake… Jake wants to see it come to be. That’s like a two for one! But there was still a worry creeping in. When you’re in love with someone you don’t sleep with other people. You’re supposed to protect and hold your partner, not let someone else have their way with them.

“Wow… Do you— do you want to fuck other girls too?” Lily asked trying to get some understanding of this territory that was being treaded before her.

“No! At least not any more than the passing thought. Like when you see a hot person on TV and think ‘I’d tap that’. In my head, it’s all about you and your pleasure. And your pleasure… gives me pleasure!” His breath was quick and punctuated, like he had finally gotten a massive weight off his shoulders. And then he spoke again…

“But you got it on your own.” His voice broke for the first time since this all began “you broke my trust. It hurts Lily. All I wanted was to know.” Tears began to fall down his cheeks, Lily followed suit. “I hate what it did to me.”

“Do you hate me?” Lily sobbed.

“No,” he boomed squeezing her in his arms. Their skin burned hot against each other and the comfort of each other’s embrace hadn’t faltered despite Lily’s mistake. “No I could never hate you. I just hate what you did to me. What you do to me. It ripped me apart and made me feel like I had attained my deepest desire all at once!”

There was no response from Lily save for some sad whimpers as she cried into Jake’s chest.

“I appreciate that you did tell me though. You could have hid it and carried it to the grave, but you didn’t.“ he squeezed her tighter. Lily was starting to understand. Jake loved to look at her, and he encouraged her to dress the way she does so that other guys can appreciate her too. He didn’t have to worry, or he thought he didn’t, because he trusted her. The nudes she sent to Logan or left on a strangers phone— they were a tease, a way for Lily to have some fun, a way for Jake to chase that next high. Of course he was going to try to fuck her, who wouldn’t? But Jake had trusted Lily not to let it get that far, unaware of how deep her own fascination and feelings towards what she was doing went. The trust was a part of it. It fed the arousal. It’s like going bungee jumping. You do it because you like the thrill of danger, but you put your trust in the rope to not break. If there was no trust, you’d be terrified. Lily did break though.

“What can I do to earn back your trust?” She asked looking up to meet his eyes. His beautiful eyes. The only eyes that really mattered to look at her.

Jake thought for a moment. He remembered the emotions and her words during their encounter. He remembered how oddly close he felt to her, even as she was telling the story of her infidelity. How it never once seemed to him that Logan was replacing him. Lily lent herself to Logan, and yet still needed Jake. This is a part of it. As he looked back at her he examined every inch of her face. God, those eyes. They were looking at him with a genuine love. The love he had known existed before the events of last Saturday, but since last night he had worried was faltering. Looking into her eyes now, he could see that it never had.

He touched her cheek and pressed his lips into hers. It wasn’t the frantic, feverish, kiss that kicked off their “talk”. This was a passionate, ardent, kiss that expressed every feeling that words couldn’t. He led their lips in their dance, as if to tell her not to worry, that all would be okay. She desperately melted into his mouth and traced his tongue with hers, her lips communicating without the need for words “I’m sorry, this will never happen again.” Their hands felt each other’s body. The bodies that they each knew by heart.

He didn’t need to answer her question. There was no answer, really. For the last three and half years these two had been learning one another, merging into each other in the way that lovers do. He knew she would never harm him again. He felt it in her touch, saw it in her eyes, heard it in her voice, tasted it on her lips. Jake could predict Lily’s thoughts and actions with deadly precision at this point in their relationship. Part of him knew this would happen with Logan, he was subconsciously leading it there in the first place, he just pretended not to notice. Jake had wasted his time feeling ashamed and naively trying to change the way his neurons fired, when in the end— he surrendered himself anyway. If he had done it only a week or so sooner, this all would be a non-issue.

“Part of me wants to thank you,” Jake chuckled. “Saved me from summoning the courage to bring it up on my own.”

“You still want to do that even though I…” Lily was in disbelief and she couldn’t bare to say the words another time.

“You’re asking if I still want to see you satisfied…” Jake grinned. They both noticed they were returning to their old selves.

“I don’t want to limit you. I love you.” He explained. “I want to give you everything you want. I want you to experience all you can. I want to unleash you on the world of men!”

Lily cackled. It felt good to be rising from the funk. “I don’t know if they can handle me!”

“You’ll wreak havoc that’s for sure!” Jake hooked a finger under his chin and guided her to meet his gaze once more.

“But there will be rules.” Jake said, a whisper of that sexy authoritative voice filling the space between them.