Barbie Girl

"Okay then," you smile, and go to the bar to look up your song choice. You always thought it would be fun to sing Aqua's Barbie Girl with a girlfriend, and you think Gabrielle is relaxed enough that the two of you will really enjoy it. She certainly looks the part, you think to yourself.

When you lead your date up onstage, she takes one look at the starting lyrics and walks away from you.

"No. I'm not singing that."

You step after her, and touch her arm. "Gabrielle, I don't -"

"Go and sing your stupid song," she snaps, pulling back, eyeing you angrily. You just look at her, not sure what the problem is. "Go on. You'll miss the start."

Bemused, you stumble back onstage just as the lyrics start. "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World," you warble in falsetto. "Life in plastic. It's fantastic." It's not fantastic, it's the most humiliated you've ever felt, but you worry it would be even worse if you gave up mid-song. So you struggle onwards, singing both Ken's and Barbie's parts, trying to convince yourself that this is fun. But it's not. [Charm -2%]

Eventually your **** ends, and you limp back to your table like a beaten dog - only to see Gabrielle striding out of the door, purse in hand. You slap a tenner on the bar, then run after her, trying to figure out what you did wrong, hoping you can salvage the situation.