Andy has sex

“And we are back to Harem Hotel. The Dandy Andy show to be precise. Last time we left...”

“You got big boobs.”

“You did not have to bring that up, Gina. And technically not, because what we are reading takes place before Andy’s birthday party. But it is also a party. Which we were not invited to either.”

“I kinda want to punch you.”

“Noted. But before I punish you for this insolence, we have to do some housework.”

“What do you mean housework?...Oh no...the bitches responded back, didn’t they?”

“They did indeed.”

“I hate when they do that.”

READING THE REBUTTAL IN PROGRESS (BGM)

"If you like," Arabella said. She slid the tablet onto the coffee table. Its screen glowed with the word “Review” in Comic Sans, which was either a deliberate choice or the universe’s way of reminding everyone that all existence is a joke.

“Bluaaaargghhh!”

“FUCKING HELL, MARCIE! ALREADY?”

“My apologies, Gina. Thanks to these new breasts of mine I can tolerate bad grammar. Comic Sans, I can not.”

And she did, starting with the opening lines, giving each imaginary reviewer a distinct inflection: one nasal and fast, the other low and matter-of-fact. The review was long, a rambling hybrid of pop-culture references, genuine emotional engagement, and occasional threats to self-harm when the narrative veered into melodrama. Emi pointed to one of the earliest lines. "Marcie says: ‘Gina, please. We can read a wholesome story once in a while.' I think Marcie’s rooting for us."

“I DON’T HAVE A NASAL VOICE!”

“pffft...”

“And I also wouldn’t call Marcie’s voice low and matter-of-factly. More like pretentious and ear-gratingly obnoxious. Imagine a middle aged Karen wanting to talk to a manager.”

“...pinch your nose shut.”

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

Norah raised her beer. "Good to know the world’s not totally fucked up, only Gina. To you, Gina, wherever you are. Fuck yourself with a cactus."

“It is a good thing I ordered you a long time ago to only follow my orders, right Gina?”

“Grrrr….”

The reviewers, Marcie and Gina, had clearly read way too many seasons of the HH.

“So many, many seasons...”

“It can get somewhat stale, I admit. The last Harem Hotel review we did really was not up to our usual high standard.”

“I dunno Marcie. Your milking was pretty popular.”

“...moving on.”

“Don’t you mean...moove on?”

“Gina, if you enjoy nasal breathing, consider your words more carefully.”

"‘If this goes in the direction I think it is going I have to kill someone.’" Norah said, clutching her chest in mock despair. "Wow. Not even a trigger warning? Cancelled. Cancelled forever."

“I hate trigger warnings, and the moment we start putting them into our reviews I’m fucking out.”

“I do not think the incompetent one was serious, Gina.”

"Yeah," Norah agreed, adopting a nasal, Gina-esque (she assumed) whine: "How dare you make me feel things, author. Next you’ll tell me the girls have feelings. Ugh."

“I’M NOT TALKING LIKE THAT!”

“I do wonder if Norah is plugging her nose while imitating you. I dislike her incompetence but that would at least make her erotic...why do you look at me like that Gina?”

“Oh nothing. Just wondering if I **** to dead if I puke with my nose closed.”

Emi looked at the ceiling, as if considering the cosmic injustice. "My favorite line," she said, "is, ‘Like, I can’t even give half of them a title! Where’s the brat? The sex-lover? The tradwife? The brainiac? The boss? The psycho?’ Like, okay, but isn’t that just… the point?"

“Coming from Gina, that is praise. She is a bit rough around the edges but she means well.”

“No, I don’t. I fucking hate all of you.”

They dissolved into giggles, the kind that made Emi wheeze and Norah almost spill her beer. But underneath the laughter, Norah felt a twinge—because yeah, it sucked that people in another world were laughing at Andy’s pain, at Laura’s ****, at the way the world sometimes just sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it. But it was also true that The HH was a little like high school, except with more nudity and fewer consequences.

“To clarify. I do sympathize with Andy’s plight very deeply. Having lost my own parents at a young age, I understand how hard it can be to lose a loved one.”

“…”

“In other words. Me and Andy are like peas in a pod. We should get together and lick each others wounds.”

“...I think I just threw up in my mouth.”

Emi tapped the tablet. "It says, ‘Marcie bites her lip in that generic way women do in aftershave commercials.’ Which, like, okay. But the way Andy was dressed on the first day? That’s not even a porn archetype, that’s just… barbecue dad chic."

“Rrrrrrrr.”

“Stop that.”

“What can I say? I like a man who can dress smartly.”

“You literally have a fetish for putting guys in drag. Cutie wore a wedding dress for his own wedding.”

“To be fair, Gina, he did look very cute in it.”

Oh yeah, by the way, Andy, Marcie’s mar...”

“MOOVING ON!”

Norah caught Arabella watching them with that sly, Mona Lisa expression, as if they were the only two people on the island who didn’t realize the cameras were still rolling

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Well, it is prose, Gina. You would not understand.”

“I did theater in middle school! I get prose!”

Norah laughed., then got suddenly, weirdly serious. "Do you think they know what it’s actually like, going through all that? Having your body rewired, your brain rebooted, and then being told it’s for someone else’s pleasure?"

“Oh, I know. If you knew what Marcie put me through, you would be sickened. Count your blessings that all you have to do is take part in an intergalactic smut show.”

“Gina is wildly exaggerating. Anyone that read Hard Candy would confirm that I was completely justified in my actions."

Norah snorted. "Figures. Always the people who leave early that complain about the pacing. They missed the best part."

Emi nodded. "Honestly, if they’d just kept reading, they would have gotten their, um… 'exxxtra value pack.'"

“We didn’t leave early. We read ninety chapters of this. Ninety very long chapters.”

*Gina had a haunted, vacant look in her eyes, slightly made less serious by the fact that she was still pinching her nose.*

“Well on the bright side, we are probably reading this amount. Again. Right now.”

“Can I at least let go of my nose?”

“No, I doubt there will be much sexual intercourse in this and I need a way to keep myself aroused.”

“MARCIE, YOU SICK, FUCKING…!”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“When we last left off, the Harem was just celebrating making it through the first round without any eliminations.”

“Which was fucking bullshit by the way!”

“Hm, it appears. Emi and the incompetent one were not lying. Andy is indeed having sexual relations with Erin.”

“I mean sure, I guess, it’s no orgy.”

“Gina please.”

Emi hesitated, then said, “That’s what I was trying to say. I kind of cheated. There’s an option at the Commissary—Claire and Sam told me about it. It upgrades your transformation. It took the weird, automatic stuff away. Now I control all of them, just like regular arms. They don’t… grope or hug people unless I want them to.” She gave an awkward laugh. “It’s not cheap, but it was worth it.”

“B-But that was the best part about that transformation!”

Marissa arched an eyebrow. “Currently, Norah. She’s a shark.”

“Norah is not a shark.”

“It is a figure of speech, Gina.”

“Yeah, yeah, so a new character joins the cast. Chloe, didn’t we already have a Chloe?”

“Indeed, Gina. That would be the one from legolus season.”

“Oh right, the girl who didn’t take Mark’s shit. Good job HugeDick! That what we need! More repeating names!”

“This Chloe appears to be somehow responsible for Laura’s ****. This should result in some interesting drama.”

Praise Trigger: Chloe has always been a good girl, trying her best to help others in work and life. She should be rewarded for it. Now, whenever someone pays her a sincere compliment about her looks or something she did, or offers her praise for being good, clever, or obedient, she loses an item of clothing. She cannot put it back on for 24 hours. (Teacher)

“Oh my, this one is quite devious.”

Arabella grinned. “Indeed, my dear Claire. If you should unlock all three Achievements, and not use any of them to veto a transformation, you may instead use all three at once to veto your own elimination, should it come to that.”

“Great. That’s also what this season needs! More ways to prevent an elimination!”

“I am afraid I have to agree with Gina here. If my count is correct(which it always is) that is now the third way of preventing an elimination, not counting Andy’s sneaky scheme from Round one. We talked about this issue beforehand though, so I will not linger on it overmuch.”

“Ok, took a fucking eternity but we are finally getting to the transformation choices for the second round. Let’s hope they are having some good ones.”

Wake Up Call: A good consierge must waste no time in helping others. No matter how tired, dirty, or overwrought Dawn is, she will now be renewed by the sun. As dawn breaks she will find herself wide awake, well groomed, and ready to face the day. (Consierge)

"As dawn breaks, eh? I can see some shenanigans with this."

“Eh, feels like this is the only proper choice, given how overworked Dawn always is.”

“How nice of you, Gina.”

“Fuck off, Marcie.”

“Well, “Hush” for Liesa is just mean. The girl is unremarkable as it is.”

“I like Moonlit lust for Erin.”

Sworn to Carry your Burdens: Transformations that require something (e.g. a connection, an order) from the Master can be delegated to Sam instead. The Master must consent to the delegation, but he can also unilaterally delegate a TF to Sam if he wishes. Sam cannot refuse. Only one such TF can be carried at any one time. The transfer lasts for 24 hours. (Emotional Anchor)

“I don’t get it.”

“How it works is explained right after, Gina.”

“….yeah, I still don’t get it. And Marissa’s are completely boob focused. Greeeeat.”

“I do like the one Miss incompetent has. One would flat out result in more transformations, which is exactly what she deserves but the other are nice too.”

“And Andy gets an array of transformations too. Hmm...”

Control: The Master must have the last word. Once per round, Andy can choose to veto a transformation being assigned to a harem member; the second most-voted transformation will apply instead. Andy will know what the second most-voted transformation is, and if he uses his veto, no other vetoes (either the Host’s or the Contestant’s) can be applied.

“Ok but why the fuck would the audience ever vote for this?”

"The will not. I am more concerned with the genderbent one."

“Yeah that would be sweet!”

"It would most certainly be not. Fortunately, the audience has a dislike for it. So I am not worried."

“Ok, transformation time. Dawn got the nice one. Nice.”

“Meanwhile, Claire ended up with the catgirl transformation. No surprise there, really. The skin one would have been more amusing.”

Breaking Records, at 3,30%, will be available for purchase."

“Breaking Records, did in fact not break any records.”

“Har har.”

“Breast Expansion for Erin won.”

“Obviously, *yawn*.”

“Norah indeed received the more transformations one, but according to my math, which is always right, that ultimately means only three additional transformations. And since Arabella is the one deciding those it should not be too bad for her.”

“I bet that pisses you off, Marcie."

He was still wearing the same clothes, but they now hung off a frame that was… not his. His shirt, loose at the collar, barely covered a pair of breasts that, while not obscene, were certainly real. His hands were smaller, more delicate. His jeans pinched at new, unfamiliar places.

“YEEEEEES!!!”

“NOOOOOO!!!!”

Arabella waited for quiet, then spoke again. “The wardrobe in your suite has been updated. You’ll find appropriate attire for either form, including swimwear. And for the record, you will move and carry yourself as naturally as if you had been born to the body. No awkwardness, no learning curve. This is by design, to avoid unnecessary embarrassment.”

“ HE DOESN'T FEEL EMBARASSED BY IT? THEN WHAT IS EVEN THE POIIIIINT!”

“Fuck sake, Marcie. Will you stop whining already?”

“At least it is only for 24 hours. Still...must we transform every Master into a girl?”

“Yes.”

“Hmph. The only reason they managed to squeeze this thing through is by coupling it with other transformations, like cheat codes and one that forces the girls to obey every command he gives. You know, Andy. As someone in a quite similar position, I could give you some pointers.”

and Sam had apparently appointed herself the unofficial Hall Monitor, drifting from group to group like a benevolent shark.

“Oh Sam’s a shark now too is she? Are there any other shark girls I should know about?”

“Gina please.”

cactus # : Boost the selected Contestant’s breast size by a cup. Please don’t ****. Overuse can have… interesting consequences. Usage: 1/day.

“He, remember that one, Marcie?"

“Let us not waste more time on this nonsense. More importantly, I do wonder if those cheat codes will be used to get Katherine out of the painting.”

“You still think this is happening, huh Marcie?”

“Yes, I believe this story is too uplifting to have her stuck in there forever.”

“Riiight, next you think they bring Laura back too.”

“...”

Andi blinked. “I guess they pegged me as an overachiever,” she said, and laughed.

“I would peg you anytime.”

“Marcie, stop your creepy flirting with the genderbent master!”

“Sam gets to do it.”

The first store had no sign, just a set of floor-to-ceiling windows displaying a single mannequin in a black suit that looked exactly like the kind of thing a Bond villain might wear to a funeral.

Dawn changed, then stepped out with a flourish. The fit was perfect, and the effect was instant: she went from cheerful concierge to Bond villain’s favorite assassin. “I feel powerful,” she said.

He nodded. “Thank you,” and took a sip. It tasted floral, and it was delicious, but he could not place it. “No offense, but you look like a Bond villain out here.”

“The amount of times something or someone looks like a Bond villain on this island is concerning.”

“Ok, we’re finally getting the truth about Laura’s backstory and...why doesn’t Selfie sue already?”

“I suppose she can wait until Laura joins the Harem. That would make it an open and shut case.”

“It’s not gonna happen, Marcie. Ara-ara just confirms that Katherine will remain a painting. They sure as fuck aren’t reviving the **** either.”

“Blatant misdirection Gina. There is enough talk about this that I have no fear that she will get out of her canvas prison in due time.”

“Oh great, the harem members are playing the dice nerd game. I just LOVE when they do that. Does Harem Hotel have an advertisement deal with Gygax or why the fuck is every single harem doing that?”

“I am surprised you know who that is, Gina.”

“Me too. WHY THE FUCK DO I KNOW THAT?”

“More importantly. There is indeed a notable uptick in sex in this second round. Erin at the start then Emi is finally giving her arms a proper test drive. Marissa...”

“We also get more trauma. Because of course. But at least now they are actually fucking each other, too."

Claire shook her head and scribbled furiously. It’s a special mode. It’s designed for Contestants who are sexually incompatible with the Master. Removes their disadvantage.

“Eeeeh, that feels kinda really cheap.”

“My, Gina. And here I thought you would enjoy the fact that the token lesbian will not have to engage in sexual intercourse with the master.”

“I mean, yeah, but I don’t want the lesbian to win just because she got a handicap. Plus Andy can turn into girl Andi now. Sam really doesn’t have an excuse.”

“Hmm, we do not know what it does. It might actually be quite interesting.”

“Right:”

“So, Erin is now turned on just by Andy looking at her. I have to admit that is quite erotic.”

“All the sex stuff didn’t do anything for you but this does, huh Marcie? Figures.”

“I do like that she is still dependent on Andy to reach a climax. The orgasm denial took a bit of a backseat but it’s sill quite cute. What about you, Gina?”

“I liked the groping session between Andi and Sam. Not that there was much of it.”

“The threesome with Erin and Claire was rather cute as well.”

They kept at it, building toward longer sentences. But then, as if the magic that constrained her suddenly caught up with her, her hand just hovered over the “T” and wouldn’t budge. No matter what he tried—spelling, sign language, asking yes-or-no—she couldn’t get past the first letter. After a minute, her whole body seemed to sag, shoulders slumping, her face gone blank and distant.

“Wow, what fucking asshole magic.”

“I wonder if they can somehow overload the spell and make Katherine pop out of the painting.”

“That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard, Marcie.”

He went inside, feeling like maybe, for once, he’d rolled a nat twenty of his own.

*swoon*

“That’s the cringiest shit I ever heard.”

Hm, Arabella and her sister are growing a flower. I bet it is to get Katherine out of the painting.”

“I bet it’s to gift it to Mildred.”

“You are rather cranky today, Gina.”

“Geez Marcie. Maybe because I’m sick and tired of holding my fucking nose!”

“Hm, they are really solving a lot of problems this round, either by talking it out or buying upgrades.”

“You don’t like it, Marcie?”

“Aside from the fact that I dislike how many transformation get neutered by it, it feels a tad inorganic. The first round were the problems, here comes the answers. It is not the case for every problem of course but for a lot. Even the issue with Chloe is resolved quite easily.”

“Yeah well, we can’t all be Caleb and run a dysfunctional as fuck Harem, Marcie!”

“What is your issue with Caleb, Gina?”

she devoured him with her mouth

“Yes, that is the body part with which you usually devour things.”

He ran his hand through his hair. “The veto’s a poisoned chalice, isn’t it? I mean, sure, I can save someone. But that means the next girl out knows I could have saved her, and didn’t.” He found himself talking faster, like if he kept up the momentum he’d finally get to an answer that felt right. “And if I don’t use it? Then the girl who gets eliminated knows I could have saved her, but didn’t.” He paused, then slumped into the couch, elbows on knees. “Feels like no matter what I do, I end up screwing someone over.”

“Wow, what a dumbass.”

“Gina! I will not stand for you slandering my beloved.”

“Oh piss off, Marcie. There’s the achievements system! So, obviously you want to use your veto now and give the girls more time to rack up achievements allowing them to prevent their own elimination later. Duh!”

“W-well...”

“Huh, Katherine can orgasm if the master orgasms”

“That is something I suppose.”

“More proof that she will never leave the painting.”

Liesa immediately started pulling faces: sticking out her tongue, then making her left eye go cross while the right tried to hold steady, or tucking the tip of her nose between her thumb and pointer finger like a pincer. Sam did her best to keep a straight face, but the giggles snuck through anyway, little hiccups that bounced around the empty seats and caught the attention of the entire buffet staff. Their game—“who can make the other laugh first”—had begun as a distraction, a way to avoid talking about the fact that they would both almost certainly be pitted against each other in tonight’s challenge. But as with so many things in the HH, what started as a joke took on its own weird momentum.

“Well, well, these girls can be erotic when they try.”

“Is it my imagination or are you particularly disgusting this review, Marcie?”

“It must be Andy. His suave charm makes me acting unwise.”

“...”

“And now it is the day of the challenge, but we are doing a round call first. Andy is visiting all his girls in turn for a final conversation.”

“Uuuugh.”

“Yes, I am not a big fan of these vignettes either. They feel...mandatory. A bit like going through the motions. Anything important here should have been handled by the date already.”

Norah broke it. “You know, when I started here, I thought I’d be out in a week. I figured you were just another smug tech bro with a savior complex.”

"Once again, Norah proves how awful she is. I for once like that Andy is a smug tech bro with a savior complex!"

“Marcie. Have you ever considered that what you like is the illusion of Andy, not who he actually is as a person?”

“That is woefully absurd, Gina. I understand Andy on a fundamental level. We share a connection. You just wouldn’t understand.”

“Right, not like we have a connection or anything…”

“What was that, Gina?”

“Nothing! Oh, look! Before we get to the challenge we have to deal with fanmail chapters. Yes, chapters. Plural.”

I have written to all members of your harem and granted each their own advice and boon, but as the season’s Master you must act as the hub. It is your responsibility to ensure that the spokes of your wheel remain sound, for it takes the absence of but a few for a wheel to become unstable. As such, I shall include for you some advice for each of your lovely ladies which I hope you might take to heart.

“Who the fuck is J? Hadric’s alias because his letters get hold up by Harem customs automatically?”

“I have no idea.”

“WHAT THE…! ARE THESE SIX FUCKING CHAPTERS OF FAN MAIL?”

“It appears so.”

“No. Fuck this shit. We are skipping this.”

“Gina please. We can not simply skip parts of the re...”

I even enhanced them with a variety of fun flavors to make them taste good (sea urchin roe, dolphin blood, shark liver, and, of course, squid ink)!

“WHAT TH EACTUAL FUCKKKKCKNCJKNHKDUSNFCDNONCKUSDNFVNSDFISVNUJNBFDOU!!!!!!!!!”

“Gina! Let go of your nose!”

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“And we are back. Huh, I did not think you could foam like that, Gina.”

“I nearly dieeeed!”

“Yes, but on the bright side you did not.”

“…”

“And while you were having your seizure I was making it through the rest of the fanmail. You can thank me later.”

“I nearly croaked, this fucking challenge better be worth it.”

“It appears to be a labyrinth. With a Minotaur.”

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

“At least this time the Minotaur will not be the master. Hm, I wonder who it will be.”

“Mildred.”

“We do not know this, Gina.”

“It’s gonna be Mildred.”

“The girls have to wander the labyrinth and protect their ribbon until dawn. If they lose it, they are out.”

“Yeah. Oh, Norah kicks the bucket first, because she decided to give her ribbon up to Dawn."

“Indeed she did. Perhaps I misjudged her.”

“What? Because Norah sacrificed herself?”

“Sacrifice? Gina please. This was a calculated move. Not only will this “noble sacrifice” allow Norah to get back into the audiences good graces, it will also result in Dawn being in her debt. And all that at zero risk, because Andy will obviously use his veto. A masterstroke in Harem politics.”

“Well, good for her. Oh look. it’s Minotaur-Mildred.”

“The uncanny valley of AI pictures really do work great for Mildred here.”

Moory knelt, lowering her giant face until it filled Chloe’s entire field of vision. The red wig, the badge, the shark grin

“If I had any more fucks to give about shark teases I would expel them now. But we are far past that point.”

“In the end, Sam takes out Mildred by sacrificing herself and the remaining contestants decide to work together and voluntarily give up in sequence to maximize their points gain.”

“I would puke rainbows, but I don’t want to asphyxiate again.”

“And thus, the challenge comes to a close. The winner is Dawn, the girl who would have lost at the very start if it wasn’t for Norah.”

“You know what? Never mind.”

*Gina expels the glittery contents of her stomach.*

"Stop." Norah's eyes flashed. "Don't make this harder than it already is. If you respect me at all, you'll let me go with dignity."

“My, Norah is really laying it on quite thick, is she not? I understand that performance is important but...EXCUSE ME?”

“H-Huh? *slurp* What is it now Marcie?”

“ANDY WAS WILLING TO LET NORAH GET ELIMINATED?”

“Seems so.”

“B-But, that is lunacy! Have you fools forgotten about the achievement system? It goes without saying that you want to use the vetoes in the early rounds while you gather the achievements!”

“I mean yeah, that was what I was saying.”

“You have seen Katherine! You know what eliminations entail! And yet you let Norah walk into that? Are you out of your mind?”

“Heh, guess the honeymoon phase is over.”

“It most certainly is! I want a divorce!”

“You are not married to Andy.”

“And thanks for that! Phew. I dodged a bullet there. Cooper almost succeeded in bewitching me with his dazzling entrepreneur charm. But now I see the truth. He is nothing but a washed up has been. He probably hasn’t even bribed a politician yet. And he is not even a Billionaire.”

“I’m sure we can switch over to Dick’s season if that’s what you want.”

“In the end no man is my equal. When they write the annals of my rule they will claim that my only husband was ambition.”

“And Cutie.”

“Not relevant, Gina. At any rate, this betrayal has left me emotionally scarred. We will stop this follow up here.”

“Thank fuck.”

“Now, we didn’t quite cover 90 chapters this time around, but what we did cover suffered from some pacing issues regardless.”

“You can say that again. These chapters are fucking gargantuan! And every scene takes an eternity to get through!”

“Yes, I do think the story could have been somewhat condensed. There was also a distinct lack of drama. While round one managed to keep tensions up pretty consistently, this round opted for the opposite. Any adversity is dealt with promptly.”

“Never thought I see someone give cow-guy a run for his money, but HugeDick certainly is a worthy challenger for the rainbow puke award.”

“Hm and with that all that remains is best and worst girl.”

“Sure, best girl. Mildred.”

“That perhaps should not surprise me. I would have liked to give Norah the honor of being my best girl, but that sacrifice stunt was apparently genuine, so Katherine remains unmatched. Her resilience is praiseworthy.”

“Worst girl is kinda hard to pick. Claire got on my nerve the most with that stunt she pulled on the challenge, so her.”

“I have an easier pick, Andi.”

“Talk about holding a grudge.”

“And with that I believe we are well and truly done.”

“Finally.”

“Indeed As a parting gift, here are all the unkindlies I gathered.”

Arabella smiled, not unkindly,

not unkind, but sharp as cut glass.

Arabella smiled, not unkind.

“You don’t have to be nervous,” she said, not unkindly.

Andy let out a laugh—short, not unkind.

She smiled, not unkindly.

she replied, tone dry but not unkind.

“You guys are acting weird,” she said, but not unkindly.

Anna said, the phrase clipped and knowing, but not unkind.

Arabella smiled, not unkindly.

Andy laughed, not unkindly.

Emi’s response was to laugh, not unkindly

It was withering, but not unkind