Ackshually...

“Whazzup, CHYOA! It’s everyone’s favourite mad scientist! Allison! Boy, is it good to be back? Did you miss me? Of course you did! I’d miss me! So, turns out Sumedokin got so prissy when my top girls Marcie and Gina dropped a truth-bomb on his stories, he told me to step out from my retirement to sort out any misunderstanding. And wouldn’t you know it? This is gonna be all about Kinktober! Hell! Never thought I’d see that thing again! You know I’ve done Kinktober too? A couple of times, in fact. Well, not as a writer. More as a character. Still counts though. And guess what? I’m bringing another old Kinktober Star with me for this presentation! Everyone give it up for Hailey the Christmas Elf!”

“Hello, everyone. Just so you know... Not a Christmas Elf anymore. I’m a succubus. So… Yeah.”

“Ohh, that tracks! Were you a succubus for your Kinktober gig?”

“No, honestly my career as porn character went down hill since I became a smokin’ hot sex demoness.”

“Well, I ain’t gonna let old Sume here boss me around! Marcie and Gina are my crew! I’ll be behind them all the way! Thought you'd draft me to bail you out when my galpals are spitting truth? Hah! As if! Consider yourself backstabbed! You’d think Sume would need me to fight his battles if he was able to actually put two sentences together?”

“Me? I’m just here for the porn. I heard there was gonna be porn so I came.”

“Ah, we only got porn by Sumedokin here, so... It's gonna stink. Sorry.”

“Eh. You know what? Good porn is overrated. All of it ends up sort of samey. With bad porn, you never know what insane kinky shit is gonna befall you. So I’ll sit through it, I guess.”

“Atta girl! Let’s dive right in then! And boy are we up for a horrible start! We’re only at the first story, and not only did he fail to write anything hot… According to my girls, he didn’t manage to write anything interesting at all! Just some chick who visits a chained up angel, then leaves! Man, Sume doesn’t even know what a story is supposed to do!”

“Well, let's check it out then. So, what’s this first story called?”

“All right, hang on, so… The first story is… Drumrolls… The Andethyst Incident ( Chapter II )”

“...I’m sorry, what?”

“I think Andethyst is just some stupid word that Sume made up.”

“This is Chapter II? Did we skip a page or something, what the hell is going on?”

“No, this is definitely Story Numero Uno! Says so right here! Day 1! If there’s a mistake it’s not on my side!”

“So these gals of yours? They did in fact not read this out of order?”

“Well, it kinda seems it’s Sume who posted some shit out of order. Chapter II comes before Chapter I, which he posted on Day 9. We didn’t see the conclusion of Chapter III until Day 14.”

“And… Did the girls maybe think to bring any of this up?”

“Uh… Don’t think so. Seems they just started reading from the top. But they’re not pulling any punches when they expose Sume’s boring shit for what it is!”

“Something’s smelly back here. Is it supposed to start with Chapter I, or Chapter II, or what?”

“Well… Uh, yes?”

“Yeah… Someone definitely fucked up. If we’re gonna make sense of this, we’re gonna have to decidedly unfuck it. Let’s go over this once and for all.”

---

“All right, Hailey! I think I got it! Seems Sume’s first story, with the prompt words Angel and Devil, took way longer than expected. But then also turned way bigger than he thought it would! So, he kinda divied the whole thing up in three chapters to be released on three separate occasions. The Angel and Demon motif didn’t show up before Chapter II, so he kinda had to release them out of order.”

“So the girls didn’t actually start from the beginning? No wonder they’re not engaged.”

“I mean, if his writing really was any good, you could take any part of it and it’d read equally gloriously! Right?”

“Yeah. Sure. But still, do you wonder what kind of story it would turn out to be when presented in the intended order? Since the girls didn’t bother, we might as well.”

“Right ho! So, in Chapter I, this mysterious chick scours some disease-ridden city for info on something for some mysterious reason, except she turns out to be the leader of a powerful military organization. She keeps arguing with some whore about a piece of paper she keeps hidden, until she finally gives it up.”

“In Chapter II she returns home, and we learn that this cold, distant, spikey chick is just as cold, distant and spikey towards her pals as she was to the prostitute. The only one she ever seems to present some warmth to whatsoever is that angel. Which she’s got chained up in her basement. She’s the whole reason she has been going to sex-workers collecting info, which of course is all for the angel. D’awww…”

“And finally, in Chapter III, we see how she pursues her new lead and uncovers the secret of the Andethyst Incident ( roll credits! )”

“Huh… So looking at it this way, it seems to work as fine as any plot structure. If they felt like something was missing, it’s because it was. Sume was providing answers to questions the story was supposed to have built intrigue for already. But Marcie and Gina missed that part, so we wouldn’t expect them to care who Catalina is and why she has an angel locked down in her basement.”

“Yeah? Well, it’s still a stupid story!”

“I like it. Everything’s so gratuitously brutal and bleak all the time. It’s terrible. Makes me smile.”

“Oh yeah? But next up is Story 2, which is called What A Handful, we learn that Sume got a nice idea for once, but didn’t develop it enough! He made the story too short! We are all left asking for more!”

“I… Don’t think that’s a problem about length. Like, isn't a good story supposed to make you ask for more?”

“It's called being satisfied, but I guess you wouldn't know anything about that!"

"Well, fuck you too."

"But hey! Our next story is for Day 8: Imposter Syndrome!”

“Weren’t we just on Day 2?”

“Time waits for no one, Hailey! We gotta hurry up and speed through! All I know is that this is one of the stories the girls found particularly appalling! A trainwreck for sure! Well, no point in delaying the inevitable! Hold your nose now! We’re diving right in!”

…

“That... Was not bad.”

“Pffft… Maybe it was cute. And clever. And funny. And got sass. But the girls are right! Sume keeps cutting to black all the time! And it’s always just before the sexy sex is about to take place!”

“Well, is it really such a crime to cut to black? Even if it’s done right and at the right moment?"

“...Comes from the sex-crazed horny demon.”

“Hey, just cause I live to corrupt, doesn’t mean I can’t have a modicum of class. All I’m saying is, would you rather have a single unbroken thread from start to finish? Including when the characters eat, sleep, go to the toilet, and spend days of travel where nothing happens?”

“All right, all right. Fine. I can admit that sometimes it can be a good idea. Sometimes. But not this time! This time, a gratuitous and explicit sex scene was definitely what was called for!”

“What? With the random dude who suddenly appeared near the end?”

“Well, uh… Why was Sume introducing new characters so late in the story anyhow, unless to show all the sexy things that were in store for him?”

“It's called character growth. Once the culprit was found out, the plot started exploring her motivation and backstory. In this case that happened to involve her hitherto unmentioned boyfriend. The rest of the mimics then worked together to resolve her issue in spite of her betrayal.”

“Yeah… Well, it’s still a bland and stupid story… Let’s take a look at the next one… In the Snake Encounter of Day 13, the snake girls start to go on and on about all the naughty things they’re gonna do to the main character… Only none of that ends up happening! How disappointing is that?”

“I think that’s actually rather clever.”

“...You wanna run that by me one more time?”

“Look, when you gotta choose between the story you wanna tell and the story that makes thighs wet, getting to choose both is not a bad move. This is what Sumedokin does. He uses dialogue to make explicit what’s gonna happen if the main character fails. Who decided you gotta use the narrator’s voice to convey the erotic things anyhow? So, yeah. It raises the stakes. It incites the experience of being trapped and used by many beautiful, albeit reptilian, women. And the plot isn't being derailed.”

“Yeah! And he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences either! How convenient!”

“The consequences of being gang-**** by women with monstrous features?”

“...Maybe?”

“I mean, if something like that can happen, and then the story progresses as usual, like… Doesn’t that kinda undermine what’s depicted? In terms of what you can use to go to town on your own, what’s actually the difference between something actually happening in the story, and something merely being entertained by one of the characters?”

“It’s not the same thing! It makes the story overly complicated! Why not just have a single narrative line with a single series of sexy events?”

“Yeah, that’s nice too. But it’s not how it has to be. Both can work, and both can be successful, even though they’re trying to do different things.”

“Hah! We’ve waited and waited for my galpals to finally make a good point about how much Sumedokin sucks! There’s been plenty of opinions, and empty words, but this time: They’ve identified an actually weak line in Day 17, titled The Right Rite. It’s an actually coherent point! Here’s the line: “

With Asuka’s signal, they flung at one another. Before he knew it, her naked chest smacked into him like a meteor. He tried to reach for her belt, but it was far away. She grabbed his loincloth, and tugged it.
Oh the pain. The pain of it all. It was the wedgie of thousand needles of pain.

“Ouch. Yeah, if he tried to actually make you feel the pain with writing alone, then congrats. But it’s not exactly impressive. Guess this Sume fella couldn’t last more than 17 days before making a bad line.”

“Yup! And listen to one of my girls eviscerating it right in front of everyone:”

I am sure sumedokin is familiar with the adage “show do not tell” Which is nothing but a crutch for third rate writers, of course. In other words, it is perfect for sumedokin.

“Wait, is she saying that writers should use the advice, or not?”

“Seems like she’s saying that some people should use the advice and others not.”

“And how do you know if the advice is apt for you as a writer or not?”

“I dunno... She'll tell you herself each time? Look, it's a joke. It's not supposed to be too serious, all right?”

"Ugh... Fine. You're right. So please, can you explain the joke so I get it?"

"Nothing's easier! See, Marcie here's giving Sume some tips so he doesn't suck so much, and she uses that as an opportunity to poke fun at how much he sucks! She does this by giving a tip that skilled writers don't actually use, because, uhh... It's only for improving bad writing, but it's not recommended to make actual good writing... Hah! It's hilarious!"

"Uh huh... Look, Allison, there's not going to be a single breakthrough hot tip that can turn any terrible writing great. What you're trying to do with your scene matters. What you're trying to do with your story matters. It all depends, and as tired as the adage is, it could actually be worth keeping in mind. Especially if you're new to writing and tend to inadvertently use descriptions like 'beautiful' and 'scary', not realizing that you're basically instructing the reader to have a certain response when you could be inciting that response with a colourful description. But depending on what the writer is trying to do, it could be helpful at any level of experience. It's when you start obeying it slavishly in the hopes that merely checking that box will keep the spirits of blandness and inadequacy from haunting your narrative when the advice causes more harm than good. The way I see it, if what you're trying to do is convey some particular impression in your scene, then..."

“Uh, Hailey?"

"Yes?"

"Does this actually help us determine why Sume’s line sucked so much?”

“What? Oh, mmm… No. Not really. I actually have some notes here that’ll shed some light on the issue. It’s got very little to do with whether or not he can employ any one particular technique. It’s actually because of structural issues for the entire story. See, in Kinktober there are actually people who check to see if everyone has actually completed the challenge. They gotta check the dates and content. All that jazz. Since there might be hundreds of participants, and all of them have written thirty-one stories, it’s become a requirement that no story can be longer than two-thousand words. An acceptable workaround for longer stories is to actually post the rest of it in a separate entry, so long as the first entry is no longer than two-thousand word, and contains the prompt word. Because, as I understand it, that's what's actually being checked.”

“Is that why nearly all his stories have two parts, even though the second parts are way longer than the first sometimes?”

“Yup. But the thing is, Sumedokin already spent two thousand words on this story talking about elves, orcs and haunted houses. By the time he had to conclude the first chapter, he still hadn’t brought up the wedgie, which was exactly the prompt word. So he basically had to wrap the chapter up with that atomic wedgie depicted with a single passage. You will notice that the weak line is at the very end of the first chapter. That’s no coincidence.”

“So what you’re saying is that it’s his fault for not writing the setup concisely enough?”

“You could say that. But the girls didn’t complain about the setup. Clearly they didn’t have anything against it as such.”

“Well, they kind of did.”

“Yeah. Kind of. But not that much.”

“But hey, even if he had only one line to wrap it up, couldn’t he have made it an awesome single line? Brevity is the soul of wit, and all that. “

“True, but a better question is: is he the right man for the job? It seems for some stories where he aimed for below two-thousand words, he ended up with fifteen-thousand words instead. So working with just a single line seems just a tad much for this guy.”

“Hah! So then he's too much of a numbnut to relay the soul of wit! Checkmate!”

“Sure. Why not?"

“But we’re not done with our elf-boy! No, not yet!”

“That’s not what elves are like in real life. You do realize that?”

“For you see, the story ended with our haughty elf trapped in a contract where he had to serve his former slaves in a skimpy maid outfit… And he just ended the story there! Finito! Without milking the sexy scenario for all its worth! That’s really missing an opportunity! We should see chapter upon chapter of this guy being bossed around and **** into compromising positions!”

“Yeah. Sure. I can see why Marcie would want that.”

“And me too!”

“Thing is, his predicament seems to be a reflection of the demeaning way he treated his orcs. In that case, we’ve already been shown enough about what treatment awaits him. It’s the lamia discussion all over again.”

“Yeah, yeah. But if you flip that around, that just means we should get more orc maid action! Right?”

“Well… Eeech. I sure don’t want to see that. Not sure about Marcie. But it definitely isn’t what Sumedokin wants, considering this would push his one obligatory wedgie out of the first chapter.”

“All right. But how about I wear a maid dress, and we can call it even?”

“I… am not sure what that would accomplish. But sure. You go ahead. So did they bring up anything else, or is it about time we wrap this up now?”

“Oh, you can bet there is. In fact, I saved the best for last. The worst and truly most deplorable blunder that Sume ever made! Probably the worst blunder any writer has ever made! There will be no mercy from Marcie. No win-ah for him-ah when Gin-ah’s on the playing field. I’m talking the big guns here!”

“Oh?”

“Yes, for you see, in the very last story for Day 31, titled Shadow’s Ballet, the main character… Has the same name as the evil mother-in-law!”

“So?”

“And… Uh, that’s weird. And Marcie and Gina found that very annoying.”

“Is it? Is it weird? There are more people in the world than there are names. Why shouldn’t some people have the same name as each other?”

“So… uh, you’re telling me you weren’t surprised then? Not even a little?”

“Of course I was. That’s why it was such a great twist.”

“I’d call it a dumb twist. It doesn’t change the story whatsoever.”

“I dunno. It’s kinda hilarious if you think about it. Two grown women who were supposed to be well-acquainted with one another never knew they had the same name as each other until the end. And besides, Adrian was supposed to act lovebirds with someone he knew had the same name as his mom. So… Isn’t that a little amusing?”

“Sure. I guess. Who’s Adrian?”

“That’s… one of the main characters. Didn’t the girls go over that?”

“Of course not! They don’t give a rat’s ass about lame shit nobody cares about!”

“So… Then we’re just supposed to take their word that the twist doesn’t make sense?”

“Well, since the alternative is reading Sume’s stories… Then, yes. Yes we are. Besides, they also had another problem. They wanted to see Catalina have sex with the bondage angel, but it never happened.”

“Is that so? In that case, they pretty much signed themselves up for the story Sumedokin was preparing to write when he started up this challenge. I have it on good word that these characters are going to show up there. Hope to see them on deck then.”

“Oh, I gotta be with them for that! Can’t wait! Hold on to your horses, girls! Allison’s coming!”

“Well, guess it’s about time they wrapped this thing up, I’d say.”

I gave him some flak, but Sumedokin’s writing is actually very decent. His character work in particular shines through. In addition he clearly put a lot of thought into the worldbuilding and setting of this.

“Noooooo! Marcie! Why!? We were supposed to be on Team Screw Sume! My galpal! My sister from another mister! How could you say that?”

“Yeah… That did kind of come out of left field... Hang on. So that means Marcie could've chosen to talk about interesting characters, and compelling writing, but instead chose to talk about whatever she considers dull and banal?”

"Yes. It's called being funny and clever, and telling it how it is!"

"No. No, that's the opposite of that."

“So… I guess this is the part where you rub it in my face, huh? It’s been clear from the start that you’re a Sume fangirl.”

“Pfft… He wishes. Look, I was promised bad porn. This isn’t bad porn. It isn't good porn either! At best it's some fairly polished amusement. If you ask me, this guy’s got his head up his ass waist deep. One of his stories was some kind of philosophical diatribe of how the advancement of technology in our society affects identity and self-worth… And still he pretends it’s about horny monster girls! He really should get over himself.”

“Huh… So if we all agree that he sucks, then how come you were such a bump on the road every step of the way?”

“Because I didn’t recognize my impression in their review. It’s not that I was going ‘how dare you talk that way about my Sumedokin.’ It’s more like ‘what funky shroom were you smoking, and where can I get it.’

“Well, you know what they say; to each their own.”

“Yeah, but it’s as if we’re talking about a different anthology altogether. I thought the stories were too long, they thought they were too short. I found them to be all over the place, but they thought they were repetitive. I thought it was hot, they thought it was not.”

“Wait, you actually thought it was hot?”

“Mmmmmmmmmmmyyyyuuuhh… Kind of. I get what he was going for. He built up a world, block by block, where ordinary guys have to watch out for horny **** monster girls appearing out of nowhere to steal them away. Personally, that's too much like a workday for my taste. But in this setup, the chase is always more important than the catch. So when the girls keep bringing up the lack of sex over and over, it makes me think the point went over their heads so high they began to issue air traffic warnings.”

“I get what you’re saying, I think. But in my experience air traffic warnings never work.”

“So what about you? Are you going to stick with Marcie and Gina’s opinion to the bitter end, or are you going to indulge us your honest opinion?”

“Look, I might not have a lot of class, but it’s gonna be a cold day in hell before I compliment my own creator’s work. Still, if there’s any writer out there who’d consider making anything like this some time, that would make me one happy gal! Not cause I’d enjoy reading it, but because the world is in **** need of an assortment of weird random nonsense that can be puzzled together into something much more complete!”

“Sounds about right. I guess that’s a wrap then. Well, I can’t say it’s been a pleasure working with you, but I made it through it all in one piece. Guess I can’t complain.”

“Oh, yeah! It’s been a blast all right! It’s about time to pick up my kid from daycare anyhow.”

“You got a kid?”

“Yeah, I’m surprised too!”

“Well, good luck with that. I’m gonna go do succubus stuff. You know, swooping through the air and snatching up unsuspecting victims to be my sex ****.”

“Oh, really now? Actually, I've been tracking the reader since they clicked on this response! You wanna go and pay them a visit?”

“Hmmm… Sure. Why not?”

“Well, then I’ll text you the IP address. Tell them hi from me!”