A magical dildo.

"This is taking too long," the Dark Elf says. "We should have gotten to the good part ages ago."

"We just need to wait for Crisco," the healer says nervously. "I-I'm sure he's on his way back."

"I'm a Ranger, I can just track him down. Come on, Ariel, let's go already."

"N-No!" the healer, apparently named Ariel, stammers. "L-let's just stay here, where there are no monsters."

The only thing sweeter than fish in the morning is irony in the evening. It would be worth popping out right now just to see the scaredy-cat's reaction.

You pad silently up to the ranger from behind and nibble at her quiver, hoping somehow that your Steal ability works on weapons. You hear the soft clink of XP landing in your level bar, but the Ranger still has her quiver. That's right, you remember. I get a little experience each time I steal something. Handy. So what's this in my mouth?

~Stole ROD OF PENETRATION!~

Rod of penetration? It tastes kind of sweet... You slink back into the underbrush and drop your prize on a bed of leaves. It's a wooden staff about ten inches long, with a weird knob on the end. It has to be a weapon, since there's magical runes on the other end. If it's a equippable, you probably can't use it... but how will you know for sure? A little curiosity never hurt anyone.

You indulge your curiosity and tap the rune with your paw. The staff glows blue and starts vibrating. You stick out your tongue at it in disappointment. Some weapon that is.

The moment you do, it leaps off the ground and plunges right into your mouth. You let out a smothered yipe as the wooden staff thrusts itself in and out of your face, slathering you with your saliva and some kind of sticky-sweet residue. What the fuck is with this thing?!

You start panicking when you realize you don't know how to shut it off. The staff just keeps shoving itself deeper, making you gag. You let out a frightened squeal and bury your face in the leaves, batting at the invasive demon with your front paws.

One of your paws brushes against the "off" rune and the rod drops to the ground. The whole episode lasted about ten seconds, but it felt like an eternity.

"What was that?!" cried Ariel about thirty feet away.

"It's a Fox Spirit getting attacked by something!" the Dark Elf says excitedly. "Come on- easy XP!"

Tears well up in your eyes and you drag your tongue in the dirt to try and rinse out whatever taste was just inside your mouth. You shudder in equal parts horror and relief- good thing it didn't try and take you from the other end! You are so not ready to be violated by a vibrating piece of wood.

The adventurers draw closer and a plan pops into your crafty mind. That thing you stole is evil... but it could also be useful.