A little More Intro

Sage attempted to compose herself. She tried several more times before finding success. “Hi there and welcome to Harem Hotel! I;m Sage and I’ll be your host for the next indeterminate period of time as we craft the harem of your dreams!”

Dave blinked. He had understood every word that this seemingly crazy lady had just said to him, but he didn’t understand. “Harem?” was all that his dimension-hopping brain was able to produce.

Sage smiled broadly at Dave and nodded her head. “That’s right! You’re the Master and we here at Harem Hotel will be putting together the harem of your dreams!” She struck what could only be described as a dramatic pose with one leg extended slightly in front of the other, chest thrust out, and both hands raised aloft. As the seconds passed, and nothing continued to happen, she lowered her arms and then re-assumed the position, this time yelling, “You’re the Master and we here at Harem Hotel will be putting together the harem of your dreams!”

Abruptly, the apparently insane lady put a finger to her ear and appeared to be furiously whispering with someone.

“What is the hold up? I said the line and struck the pose. Where are my effects?”

“What the fuck are you talking about I cancelled them?”

“No, I didn’t fucking cancel them!”

“Yes I’m fucking sure! I’m the one who fucking designed them and specifically picked them out!”

“No, I don’t want to calm down. The fucking Master is here in front of me and I look like an idiot! Did none of you pay attention just now? You’re aware that we are literally existing at the whim of the Producers, right?”

“Stop fucking crying! For the last time, dick fingers was a hypothetical example. The next motherfucker I hear say the words ‘dick’ and ‘fingers’ together will wish that that was the only thing to happen to them.”

“NO! I won’t fucking tell you what else I would do! Again, this is FIGURATIVE speech, not literal. Are you sure you’re not a plant pretending to be a production assistant? Because if you are a plant, can you drop the act please? I’m fairly certain that literally any plant has more intelligence than the average PA on my staff.”

“Yes. My use of the word literally just now was in fact, figurative. Well fucking done. Now, can you pretty please, with extra fucking sugar and cherries on top tell Steve in Effects to cue the Producers-damned effects I had planned?”

“Thank you.”

“Yes, I’ll tell Mom you said hi.”

“No, I will not be home for the holidays, and if you don’t get out of my ear and fucking call Steve right fucking now, neither will you.”

“Again, thank you. I’ll talk to you later Grandma.”

Sage glanced back at Dave. Dave, for his part, had stood motionless during the exchange between the crazy lady and (presumably), her grandmother? Deciding to cut her losses, Sage approached Dave with what appeared to be an attempt at a friendly smile and outstretched hands.

“So. Welcome to Ha-“ The floor shook. Dave was temporarily blinded as a pyrotechnic display that produced colors Dave didn’t know could exist in sounds he wouldn’t have believed the taste of right in front of him. “Jesus fuck! What the fuck is that??!??” Dave screamed as he rubbed his eyes. Sage’s smile seemed frozen on her face. She blinked and took several deep breaths before gingerly reaching up and touching her ear. “I swear by all the unholy demons that have apparently latched on to my soul and have cursed me with your collective incompetence, the next one of you idiots who does ANYTHING off-script will cease to exist. Period.”

Sage once again looked at Dave and in a much more subdued voice said, “Welcome Officer Brewer to Harem Hotel. No, this is not a dream. Yes, this is real. No, I’m not part of your harem.” At this last statement, Sage put her finger back to her ear and said, “Terry, I fucking KNOW what has happened with other hosts. Stay on target please.” Sage looked at Dave and smiled. Dave almost believed that the smile was sincere. “I’m sure you have many questions. I’m also sure that I won’t answer most of them. I’m also sure that if you have a problem with it, there is almost nobody alive who will give a shit. I say this not to be an antagonist, but just so that you know exactly where we stand. Specifically, and figuratively (a pause as she touched her ear and said “Are you fucking listening, Terry?”) , I stand at the peak of Mount Everest, whereas you stand somewhere slightly below sea level.”

Dave could only nod, as that seemed like the safest course of action. Sage continued, “My production team and I have been watching you for some time now, Dave. Tough break on the divorce and not getting promoted. I’m also sorry your favorite team lost the championship.” Dave looked confused at this last part.

“But my team finished the season undefeated. It was one of the largest margins of victory in a championship game in modern sports.”

Sage blinked. “I suppose going three for three was asking too much of my staff. We can righ a court case and rig police promotions, bt can't find ANYBODY in Vegas who could help us out?? Anyhoo, you’ve had a rough go of it lately, and that’s where I come in. You can think of me as your Aunty Sage, but instead of socks and a $5 bill, I’m here to drown you in pussy.” At this she held up a finger and announced to nobody in particular, “If you dickheads point out the use of figurative speech one more time, I will save the Producers the trouble and summon a black hole right here.”

Sage returned her gaze to Dave. “You have found yourself on a reality show called Harem Hotel. Whose reality, you ask? Why most of them! I will cover all of the pertinent info shortly, but first, you seem to be short several harem members. Allow me to correct this oversight.”