A foggy ravine

The walk started boring as shit, Helen hadn't been lying about that, but it was amazing how quickly things changed the instant we stepped off the beaten path. Along the route we passed the occasional wooden obelisk shaped sign which directed us down various paths.

"So... who are you?" I suddenly asked Joan as we rounded a small curve in the path. The sun was shielding the path, and the tightly packed earth beneath our feet left soft scrunches as we walked. Even the sounds of the dog's panting was reflected in the narrow convines of the small path we were heading up. I had thought that the fog had burned off, but wisps of it were coalescing as the soft sound of running water rolled down the center of the gully.

"Shouldn't be asking questions..." Joan cautioned me. "But if you must know, all the details, I'll happily give you a plot exposition dump or character sketch or whatever it is you need to accept me as part of this, but seriously, we don't have the time, Brent. Just be really quiet while I tell it, because the second you start asking more questions we run out of time, and I'd really like it if we actually were able to pull off this hail mary."

I blinked at her cautiously, then spun to find that Joan and I were standing alone, in the gully, with fog drifting in. I immediately wanted to ask a million questions, but then something stood out in my mind. This felt almost, somehow... familiar. Like I'd been here before.

"Also shouldn't have looked back, but... ok, ok. Keeping silent, smart move. So. I'm Joan. I am a hotel desk clerk, I'm eighteen. I've lived here all my life, I'm a technical virgin, which you probably guessed because of the fucking fourth wall break that good old step-dad decided to pull. That is cheating by the way, which is why we still get to play. Hence the formalities."

"Let's see here, I really don't like men. Like at all. Grew up with a single Grandma who explained quite clearly that all men are slime. I spent all my time around creepy assholes in hotels and beaches and doing gig jobs where I was constantly hit on, so I expect it... Damn it, you already figured out who am am, haven't you? Well if you haven't, Hi, I'm Eris, your manic pixie Dream goddess, and you ALMOST fucked it up. Still got a little time here, but you have to play it perfect, get me?"

My mind whirled as Joan's appearance shifted slightly. She was still the young woman with dark hair, but it was now askew, and her hair was still the same dark shade, but somehow shot through with gold. But... that's how she'd always looked, wasn't it? I remembered quite clearly thinking how strange it is as I thought about the picture that I had of her... wait, I never had a picture of Joan. Something....

My phone buzzed again in my pocket. No... no... this time I KNEW I had left it in the car.

"Ignore that. Just ignore it. So, you almost have enough goddesses. Enough for me to do something. Just one little problem. First off, you have to want me to be here. And I'm warning you, fair fucking warning. I'm a nightmare. You ever hear my story? DON'T NOD YOUR HEAD... Thank you..."

I looked at her shocked. This was insane, had to be. Where was Kaila? Where was anybody we had been with? Where... what happened to the fucking dogs? Why is this whole area suddenly... AAAACK. Every bit of my logical brain was revolting against the concepts that were going on right in front of me. Every insane coincidence that I had seen with my own eyes, set against everything that I knew was real, and knew was....

"OK, Brent, I'm going to ask you a few simple questions. Ok? This is going to help me determine the rules we're really playing under. If you're confused, that's good, that means that you're not actually asking any questions. This is more for the audience anyway."

I boggled at her, totally confused.

"Dork terms... right... This is Futurama... and you're Fry. You don't NEED to know what's going on, Brent. Just enjoy it..." Joan... wait... no... Eris? Wait, I was still confused, what the hell was going on here?

"Relax Brent, you don't know Mythology. If you did, you would never have even contemplated what you're going to have to do. You on the other hand... might be able to plead ignorance, and that's what I'm counting on." The woman stretched, and her quite lovely wings that I had noticed the first time I had seen her in the hotel when she was kissing Carla... wait... that... hadn't happened... I had never seen her in a blue uniform... or with wings. Feathered, soft, and looking like those of a hawk.

"See, can't keep up the illusion with me. Joan was never meant to be me. She was meant to be somebody else. But that goddess just didn't want to play. So, somebody had to step into that role, and lo and behold, here I am. So, I get an avatar, and she gets the REAL **** scene. You were supposed to **** ME, by the way. That's the way it goes. You put the evil doer in her place, after lovingly seducing the virgin goddess. But she wanted to keep things exactly the way they are. Wanted to stick with daddy, and what he promised her. Her Dad lies a LOT, by the way. And he's not really my dad, more my step-dad. And not in the fucking way that this world thinks of it."

"So, quick and easy questions, just first thing that pops into your head, no hesitation. OH! I'm Using my First Time Out! " She suddenly shouted to the air, and a chorus of boos resounded from the audience before we were once again surrounded by the sound of water and birdsong.

"Ok, then... " Eris rotated her shoulders, and a soft flap of her wings left a soft breeze through the air. They extended a good distance behind her, rather entrancing, to be honest. "See funny thing, you try to stick to reality, and then reality becomes so unbelievable that by comparison, this seems sane. I mean, when you started this vacation would you have believed that people would be completely locked down, the whole country afraid to leave their homes, and even going out in public would be considered a crime? Nope, you would have thought it was completely insane. But, here we fucking are."

"That... that hasn't happened." I said calmly.

"You're lucky I called a time out. " Eris pointed out. "It hasn't happened for you and this reality, because you haven't checked your phone. The second you check your phone, it becomes part of it. The Real World is the model for this reality, Brent. When it changes, the world changes. And Vice Versa. Or Vice Versa. I can't remember which, because this reality doesn't let anybody be all knowing and all seeing. Which is why it works. Everybody has limits, and then step-dad decides he's had enough of your fucking stalling, and decides to call a time limit on your decision. He already was going to get his little minion on your ass for me if we hadn't called foul beforehand."

"Minion?" I asked. "I thought you were... Aren't you the one who... causes all the trouble?"

"I don't have to be, Brent. If you Trust me. And I'm warning you, his other little creation is prettier than me, she's sexier than me, and she'll make your life easy and fun. I will make your life a living hell. Well, a Special Hell. One cooked up just for you. Everything you want, JUST out of reach. Being ALMOST able to trust your wife, but not quite. Being ALMOST able to be sure of the love of more than woman, but not quite. Being ALMOST able to be sure that the child inside each of those women is yours, But not quite. It all depends on whether or not you trust them. He'll use me against you, Brent. Use the fact that you had sex with a girl barely out of high school, in a nasty seduction. Then he'll go after you for ****. But he'll do it in a predictable way. A way I can predict. And I can help you with. "

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked plainly. "You're telling me things I haven't done, things I haven't experienced. You can't judge me for mistakes I didn't make."

"Because somebody's gotta root for the Bad guy. And sorry to say, Brent. You're the bad guy here. Step-Dad needed a bad guy, and... ugh... I really hate that name by the way, I guess. I mean, old handle, new handle, round and round it goes, what is forgotten can be remembered... blah blah, Cthulhu NAFTA, am I freaking you out yet, or do I need to get dramatic and break out skulls and blood before you believe that I'm dangerous?"

"I believe you're Dangerous," I looked at her and the enigmatic smile on her face broadened into a happy grin.

"Then you're a smart man. Don't care what people think. So, back to my questions, sorry, burning time here, this is a fun game, but... well, step-dad caught on, and decided to make all the stories boring. Predictable. So, had to call a time out, get our bearings, figure out what we do from here. First question, can dogs talk in this universe?"

"What are you talking about, of course they can talk, they always have been able to talk. Same reason that cows tell you they like being eaten, and they consider it a sacred duty. Hence why we eat sacred Cows. Except for the Cows in India which Don't like being eaten and say so."

"Ok... Harkness rules in effect, got it. Fucking step-dad of COURSE would put a fandom in that would figure out a way to make his hobbies ok. Who sends the most dirty texts?"

"Women of course, not a day goes by without guys getting at least one sexy picture most of the time."

"Free porn, got it... Explains why.... are men multi-orgasmic? " Eris asked suddenly.

"Uh, not normally." I responded. "What... where are you going with this?"

"Ugly women? Are there any? Have you seen any?" Eris asked quickly. "This is a clincher."

"Well, they aren't what society in general considers beautiful, because..."

"Yes, or NO Brent, In your memory, that you can remember, as far back as you can remember, can you remember any ugly women in the world? You might have seen pictures, maybe, if you thought to look, but you know that photo shop makes everyone look great. Have you ever seen an ugly woman?"

I thought about it, trying to remember, trying to think about, maybe at one time, in an old memory, a very ugly woman with bad breath... but it was replaced by the image of the girls in college, young, nubile, and cheering as they kissed each other. I couldn't... remember ever seeing an actually ugly woman.

"I don't remember ever..." I began softly. "No."

"Yup, bad news and good news Brent, It's a full on porn world. I knew this was erotica, didn't know it was flat out PORN until now. Which actually is very, very good news, because a lot of the rules I usually have to follow get thrown out completely."