A crash course in theology

Winnifred turned her unfittingly serious blue eyes towards the others, one by one... You could tell she was just enjoying milking the moment and dragging out the long silence. "We must instruct the Pumpkin Lord in matters theological. He must learn of the gods." When nobody seemed particularly shocked, her face changed to one of clear disappointment.

"Can a monster even understand something like that? His head isn't going to explode or something, is it?" Pike questioned, keeping her arms crossed and wearing a pensive frown.

"Maybe we should explain it to him, then," Evilward offered with a smug smirk.

You were starting to get a little nervous yourself. You could handle making your head explode just fine by yourself; you weren't really eager to go down that route with your cultists. You asked them if instead of pulling back the curtain and explaining the very nature of godhood to you, perhaps they could tell you specifically about the ones that governed them? A few examples couldn't be too hard to understand.

"Eeeeh... There is a rule that you're not supposed to talk about your, uh, gods out loud," Pike explained, wearing a sympathetic smile. "It can be dangerous and lead to like... how do I explain this in a way that you'd understand? Basically, the god could endanger his or herself by revealing their identity."

Aaah... You were starting to understand. So it was one of those things, huh? Gods were immortal and all-powerful because they didn't exist on the same plane as monsters like you. To disclose details could theoretically allow you to strike at them in their own terms! You couldn't exactly blame the others for not revealing that info to you, then. They couldn't be heretical against their own gods. Faith was important to some people... Still, it made you wonder about other types of gods. Was Winnifred's god different than, say, the dark god that the cultists in the swamp-lands were said to worship?

Winnifred laughed in response. "Ha ha! My god is a woman in her forties with two kids. I'd say it's pretty different." The other two glared at her for a while, until she realized what she'd done. "Nuts! Uh... a-a goddess in her fur ties Thailand with toe kits, who are alto gods by extend shin!" Now she was just babbling. The combination of rushed speech and poor enunciation had created a word soup that you couldn't understand a bit of any more.

"What Winnifred means is that some gods are more important than others. Think of it this way... the gods that govern the whole realm are the most important. They're the ones that send out those messages everybody can read, even you monsters, I imagine. They're the ones that can change 'the way things work' or 'what things exist.' Below those are the gods that control individual adventurers. Below those are the gods that religious folks and even monsters talk about all the time, the well known ones like the one Winnifred prays to when she casts a healing spell. If she'd ever bother to learn a healing spell, that is," Pike explained, unable to avoid throwing shade a the useless cleric near the end. "Frankly, those last ones aren't real gods, in the same sense."

"Heresy!" Winnifred gasped.

But wait... that would make Dick's one of the second group, right? That still sounded pretty important.

"The second group can't enact major changes. The best they could do is stir a small number of other gods to rally their forces. Plus, I'm telling you: Dick is not the kind of person who has a god capable of rallying anyone," Evilward scoffed.

You thanked her and the others for that information... but then, you had one other question. Winnifred had said her god was actually a goddess. You questioned Evilward which hers was.

"A guy! Obviously!"

You asked: would it be possible for that god to change into a goddess, if you found them and gave them a Magic Mirror?

"Not on your bloody life! Now you're pissing me off! Look, what we did earlier was just me committing to character, okay?! Nothing more! My god is so committed to that, they were willing to play along with that ineffective tentacle play of yours! Plus, it's not happening again! So get it out of that damn lumpy, maggot-infested, poorly-carved head of yours!"

Yikes. You made a mental note not to question Evilward about her god again. For some reason, though, that answer of Evilward's had really gotten Winnifred laughing.

With the matter of gods settled, you next turned your attention to armor. It was finally time to upgrade your equipment! Once Evilward had finished making fine sets of black leather armor for everyone, you ruined her day by interrupting her announcement and telling her those weren't quite done yet.

"What's the matter? They aren't saucy enough for you?" Evilward questioned, rolling her eyes. "You can't just wear what you want all the time. Plus, some of us want to wear actual clothing, not bloody capes that leave our asses hanging out in the wind!"

You warned everyone: if the whole group outfitted themselves in black leather, they'd look just like the Cult of Strong Bonds. They might even be mistaken for the Cult of Strong Bonds. Did anyone want that to happen?

... Everyone, even Evilward, shook their heads no. In fact, especially Evilward. She, least of all, wanted anyone thinking that she'd enjoyed her time with the cult. With a new urgency, she went to the task of crafting you cosmetic enhancements to apply to each of the gear pieces, which would make them look like Halloween themed equipment. "For the record, every time we do this, it is going to take a ton of materials that Pike and I just happen to have saved up. We can't do this all the time. I'm only doing it this once because we have the absolute shittiest, weakest equipment on the whole party right now. You didn't even give me a bikini... I have a armor rating of 3, and 2 of that is from the gloves and boots."

Not feeling as sympathetic as perhaps you should, you nodded eagerly. In no time flat, your team was redressed in their finest Halloween gear. This time around, that meant pumpkin bikinis again, but with the stats of an upgraded version of the leather that Jezlee had been wearing. Each of them had been given capes similar to Evilward's, along with gloves and boots, and each of them wore the silly grinning pumpkin face upon those round-shaped hats. For Pike: a dagger, tipped with a pumpkin on its pommel. For Evilward: a new, purple-and-orange crossbow with bat-winged bolts, which she didn't seem particularly happy about. You thought it looked pretty cool... Finally, for Winnifred... A warding cross with a black hilt and a three-pronged star silver star on the end. That one looked pretty kinky and was actually part of the black leather set, but it turned out there was no cosmetic for a Halloween warding cross.

"I'm telling you, just use a staff..." Pike urged her.

"... But I don't actually know any spells yet!" Winnifred complained, clutching the cross in both hands and whining.

In actuality, there was one more person to outfit: yourself. Obviously, it would be ridiculous for you to wear anything with a pumpkin on it... What kind of egotist wears his own face? Instead, you wore a black, leather cloak, along with the rest of the set: trousers, undershirt, gloves, boots, and a hood, just big enough to pull around your pumpkin if you wanted to. All of this took your armor stat up from the pantsless 2 it had been at to a grand total of 17, while also conferring some benefit to stealth. Of course, even with most of your body covered, you'd never pass for a human... you still looked like a scarecrow when standing still and some monstrosity when dragging yourself around on your plant tendrils. Still, all of this armor plus your stamina ought to do a lot to keep you alive, even when faced with intense hammer-blows like the ones you'd just suffered.

As a final note... this armor set all looked kind of familiar. It had a different cloak and no star on it, but otherwise, it was very similar to what Evilward had been wearing when you first met.

"You jerk of a jack-o-lantern! If you can still wear your black leather gear, why can't I wear mine?!" Evilward complained, loudly, while grabbing your hood at either side and shaking you with both hands.

You told her that every member of the Cult of the Pumpkin Lord had to wear pumpkins; no exceptions, except for the head of the cult, who'd look ridiculous wearing pumpkins.

"And I don't look ridiculous now?" she asked, throwing open her cloak again to show you her overly developed body, clad in your own smiling face at strategic locations. You reassured her that she did not, while thinking, privately, that if she did, it was only because she'd given herself those balloon-like breasts... "By the way, how about those ghosts? Are they not getting new equipment?"

You told her that you were pretty sure they couldn't even wear new equipment, at least for now. Hopefully a class change would fix that down the line... your Trickster was cute, but that homely peasant dress was not giving her a lot of points added to her attractiveness, so to speak.

Finally, it was time to set about clearing out the rest of the castle. It seemed like this would be a tall order, based on what you'd heard earlier about all of the scattered adventurers, but at least you had a way to tell when you were done: at some point, you could check your build list and the error message would stop displaying "adventurers exist on location." Well, once you told your own cult to stand outside as well. Clearly, the gods had not designed the process of monster dungeon building with it in mind that adventurers would be serving the monsters.

For the sake of time, you decided to split up and furthermore, that you would allow Pike to kill players if she wanted to. "Aw, yeah! Finally, he throws me a bone!" Pike celebrated, hugging both arms around your pumpkin-head and cradling it to her chest. While you enjoyed that sensation, drooling pumpkin goo onto the ground and upon her modest chest in your face's closest equivalent of a lecherous expression, you ordered Evilward and Winnifred to take your ghosts and handle other groups. You advised them to try spreading the gospel of the Cult of the Pumpkin as much as they could while they worked, since you'd get bonus fame out of it. But above all: make sure that they left the premises.

"What about you? You're going off on your own?" Evilward questioned, raising one eyebrow.

You reminded your Justicier that you'd handled Dick and all of those adventurers by yourself. You were actually pretty strong now. Next to Pike, you had the highest level of anyone!

"Grrr... That's only because I was deliberately keeping mine under 11 before! I was... making myself relatable to new role-players on the server," the Justiciar growled. When Winnifred said something about "and to keep PvP matches at a winnable level" she got even angrier. You wondered how those two were going to function together as a team...

"Don't worry, I'll keep a close eye on them!" Your Trickster still seemed eager to gain your favor, though you honestly wondered what she would do to intervene if Winnifred and Evilward started fighting. The ghost wasn't likely to be much more help than that, though at least he had a fear spell.

Finally left on your own, you began to explore the castle yourself, watching for adventurers. Pike had taken the other side of the castle's staircase that you hadn't cleared yet, opposite the armory where the Cult of Strong Bonds had been camped. Apparently, a dining room and a bathing area ought to be in that direction. Evilward and Winnifred had been ordered to take the basement, which included a wine cellar and a dungeon... equal parts pleasure and pain. The Strong Bonds guys would have appreciated that. In the mean time, you'd head back upstairs; up there ought to be the bed chambers, a study, a treasury, and the throne room. The throne room ought to be empty, but you couldn't discount the possibility that someone had slipped into one of the other places.

As you ascended the staircase, you began to regret your decision. It probably would have been a good idea to leave at least one of your cultists with you so that you'd have someone to talk to... it was a bit lonely on your own. Of course, the dark was falling and the moon was rising, which some might describe as 'spooky,' but the haunted atmosphere of the castle didn't scare you. On the contrary, it actually had you feeling hyped for taking the castle... which just made you want to talk to someone else even more!

You found yourself in the throne room once again, then split off to look at the other rooms in order of interest. First, the bed chambers... not because you wanted to see anyone sleeping in there or anything perverted like that, but just because they seemed like the most livable area of the castle, obviously. Unfortunately, there was not a single peep from inside. Next, the treasury... It'd make sense if some adventurers wandered in there, right? Adventurers love treasure more than anything. Of course, as soon as you swung the door open, you remembered: this was a decrepit Halloween castle in the middle of May, ransacked with no roof or anything. There was no way the place would just be piled with treasure. Indeed, the whole room was barren, collecting spiderwebs in its corners with not a glint of gold. In hindsight, you should have expected the same from that bedroom; there was no way anybody was going to shag in dusty, broken beds like those ones. Re-outfitting the place would be a major goal of yours once you conquered it.

Finally, the study. You were honestly sort of dreading this one, because the sight of books gave you PTSD and the study could theoretically be full of them. Adventurers didn't usually like to grab books unless they were worth a lot or contained skills or spells, like yours did. Imagining shelves upon shelves of books made you feel seriously sick... You unlit your candles-- your equivalent of closing your eyes-- before pulling open the wooden door. Ugh! So many dusty old books... The only saving grace was that no one had lit a candle in there, so you didn't really have to look at them. However, the room, to your surprise, was not without a light source... Some sort of ethereal glow appeared to be coming from near the back of the room, behind the bookcases.

You snaked your way through the shelves until you found the source... a woman was standing in the back, reading a thick textbook despite the relative lack of visibility in the room. An ethereal blue glow came from her entire body, making her look much like your Trickster, only the rest of her was far more splendid; her regal features, straight-backed posture, and resting smile all called to mind Bathory, who now waited for you back at your crypt. While every feature was blue, you could make out that she was dressed in a gentleman's topcoat and slacks, along with a broad tie and a ribbon, tying her hair into a single long ponytail. Her body was nearly as luscious as Evilward's, although much better dressed. If she'd been a bit thinner, you could have mistaken her for a very pretty male ghost, given her unusual decision to wear men's equipment.

You seemed to have the drop on them, so you took the time to check their stats:

Level 10- [GM] Noah, "the Playwrite"
Human, Scholar, Explicit

You'd really expected to read that they were a ghost. Perhaps this was some sort of cosmetic as well? Interested, you snaked out one tentacle slowly... if you could wrap it around them, they were just a regular, tangible person. If you couldn't, they were a ghost. Hopefully they wouldn't poof like a Trickster, but something was telling you that there weren't two Tricksters in this world.

Soon enough, you'd wrapped both of their feminine legs in tentacles. Despite their appearance, they were just as tangible as a regular person. Considering they were a scholar class-- well versed in the use of magical tomes, but unsuited for any kind of physical attack-- you didn't feel especially threatened by them.

The woman looked down to your tendrils, seeming momentarily surprised, then smiled into your face. "Ha ha... You really have gotten full of yourself, haven't you, Pumpkin Lord?" she questioned. "You shouldn't get too fresh with me. I'm practically your mother..."

... Mother? Was this the one sewing the Pumpkin Patches?

"It's probably a bit beyond you to understand it at the moment. But I have to say, your exploits have been a lot of fun to keep track of. I'm half tempted to let you take me and see what it's like."

Well, that sounded pretty good! They had said 'practically' your mother, right? So there was nothing too weird about a roll in the hay! Keeping your eyes focused on the lady's massive bosom, which looked ready to pop open the buttons at the front of her vest, you eagerly began to shuffle your new leather pants down and away from your lower vine.

"... I hadn't expected that you'd be quite this horny," she remarked, smiling awkwardly as you dropped your pants. "I... may have overdone it a little. Still, I'd like to talk for a bit. We're on the precipice of the greatest player-versus-enemy event that Shards of Arkus has ever seen and by the looks of it, you're going to be on the forefront of it. Thanks to your efforts, Shards is going to be on the forefront of emergent experiences. While that Cult of yours clears out this castle, I'd like to tell you a little about what's to come. As the 'E' in 'PvE', you deserve that much, at least, before the unfortunate end of it all inevitably comes to pass. Besides, the more you know, the more interesting the climax ought to be."

You thought you'd put to bed that ominous feeling when you'd accepted Evilward's reassurance that Dick was no threat, but it built back up just as fast, with this ghostly, buxom woman insisting that your ending was both unfortunate and inevitable. You needed to know more! Then, once you did, you could ask this strange GM Noah person to join your cult. She seemed like a well of information and besides that, you were very eager to see what that rack looked like in a set of pumpkin-faces...

But it was very hard to focus on that when she was preaching doom and gloom. You begged her: she must have something else to give you, right?

"You're very pushy... I suppose I could give you just a bit more." Noah sighed, then moved one hand to the buttons near the top of her collar, beginning to hastily work her way down. With quick, practiced motions of her elegantly gloved hands, she opened her vest just a bit to reveal those pillow-like breasts of hers, clad in a lacey bra, colored a dark blue upon her light blue body. The size of those puppies, which looked as though they could spill out from their entrapment at any moment, made you instantly forget about the prophecy she was supposed to be telling you! "O-Oh, wait... You meant... Right, right. You wanted to know more about the event I mentioned. Then, once we've concluded, I'll clear out of your new castle." She quickly began to button back up. It was all that you could do to avoid whipping out your vines to stop her...