A bad morning

4:28 AM. Fuck.

He could feel it. Still dark out, the exact amount of quiet, literally everything alive knew it was not a time to be awake. Everything that wasn’t a part of the US Military at least. It was also a great time to regret the choices you’ve made that brought you to this point.

Two years of waking up with guilt, shame and fear from his trainwreck of a marriage and the knowledge of what monotony the Army had planned for him that day had conditioned him to think awful things when he woke up. Waking up with his arm around Suzie Carter didn’t change that.

“I love you.” The memory of those words was haunting him. He hoped it was just post-orgasm feelings or that she wouldn’t even remember saying it. He really liked Suzie, he could see them working out, but love? Now? That scared him, that was too fast, that was Amanda and him all over again. Back then he had said it back, and after saying it he convinced himself he felt it. Got married so fast, before the rush of having someone wore off.

Could he get tired of Suzie? He knew it was possible, which scared him, but he couldn’t picture it, and that also scared him. Doug was his best friend, the Carters were like a second family to him, in some ways they were more important to him than his actual family. Screwing this up, hurting Suzie or ending up in a place where they needed to not see each other, that wasn’t something he wanted to deal with.

Shit, you chose this Scott, you told Jenn, everyone already knows. It wasn’t something he could go back on, and he didn’t want to, but. . .

Fucking 4:28 AM. Scott thought. The best thing would be to go back to sleep and wake up at a time when he wasn’t conditioned to hate himself. He breathed deeply, settled himself down. Felt the warmth of her body, the softness of her skin, smelled her hair.

Fuck it, if this is how I ruin my life, then I might as well enjoy it. He thought, trying to ease the knot in his stomach.

Scott was trapped, his arm wrapped over her shoulder was being held by Suzie, his other arm was under her and was tingling from a night of limited blood flow. He could still move his fingers so it wasn’t too bad, but she really had a hold on him, in more ways than one. He shifted a little bit and Suzie moved, sighing in her sleep. He took the chance to pull his arm out from under her, and she rolled over, turning to face him. Free of her grip Scott laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the future. They had a few months and she’d be heading to college in New York City. He had heard her say she didn’t want anything long-term, that she didn’t want long-distance. To Suzie, this was a Franklin thing, and it would end when she left.

But last night. . . she said it. And now he was laying here overthinking it. Damn, he couldn’t compete with New York, Suzie would do fine in a big city, she was decisive and strong-willed and smart and had a good sense of style. Her dad was a really good lawyer, and he had no doubt she would be one too. He wasn’t a big city guy, it was all too fast with too much concrete and steel for him. He wanted open roads and trees, home cooked dinner with family, lazy weekends hanging out, drinking and talking. He couldn’t ask her to give up her goals, he wouldn’t let her do it even if she wanted to, no way he’d want to get ten-years into a marriage and have his wife look at him as the one that ruined her dreams. She needed to go, and he couldn’t go with her. Fuck, she probably wouldn’t want him too anyway.

Scott looked over at her sleeping form, he was in trouble, she may have said she loved him last night, but Scott was cooked before that, just like Doug with Marissa, Scott could sit here and worry about the future, but what was there to do about it now? Whatever came, he was in it.

Scott looked over at Suzie’s alarm clock, bright pink LED numbers telling him it was 4:37 AM. He’d been awake for 9 minutes. He didn’t have to get up soon, he could stay in bed for another 3 hours and still have plenty of time to get to work. He would have preferred the early shift at the shop, but Julio had to pick up his kids from School in the afternoon, so Scott got to close. Scott tried to go back to sleep, but that failed, he was either staring at Suzie as she slept or worrying about her, so he decided to just get up.

Scott found his boxers, but his pants and shirt eluded him in the dark, he’d just have to go downstairs in his underwear. He opened the door quietly, sneaked into the hallway and closed the door silently. He made it downstairs undetected and got to his room, found some jogging clothes and took off outside. There was nothing like a run to get his thoughts settled and help him start the day.