"You're a part of my erotica too now, Erika!" (Pink Trigger)

"You're a part of my erotica too now, Erika! The moment you stepped foot onto this gameboard, you- and Dlanor- became my playthings!"

"I see. Then I assume you have the proper qualifications to write this erotica, yes? Should we go over your history?"

Ah, Erika... I shook my head with a smug smile. I love all of the characters in this story more than anyone. What other qualification could there be? Even you, Lady Erika, are loved intensely by me.

"Is that so? Do you think that all erotica writers love their subjects so much?"

No, obviously not. That's why I had to write this story... a perspective of true love-

"Just how much erotica have you written, Mister Player?"

Oh... Well, only this one story, though I'm still discovering new branches and twists every day.

"What is your level of sexual experience? Do you think it applies to this story?"

No, but if you must know, I am very sexually active... (Within this story).

"How much erotica have you read?"

Ah, well... most writers can't capture love for their subjects in the way I can, nor do they have such fascinating subjects. So for that reason-

"Not very much then, hm?"

No... No, I suppose not.

"Hmmmmm...." I didn't like that look in Erika's eyes. "So you're saying that you're better than every other erotica writer out there? You're the king of the genre? Is that it? Are you insulting all of the other writers who create erotic fiction, whether they're stuffing it into bottles and sending it to sea, or just writing stories on some adult story database at their computer? Or are you some kind of incel who's frustrated that everyone is having sex but them, so they take it out on others?"

Of course not... But hey... We're getting off topic-

"Mister Player... This story of yours doesn't qualify as a mystery. If a real mystery is a full-featured, sixty-American-dollars video game, then yours is one of those demo discs they used to send in gaming magazines. Each story just barely gets started before you get stabbed, beaten, or shot. If I were to attack your story as a mystery, I could sit here and eat my ramen in peace while Dlanor cuts it apart by herself."

Ha! I already told you, this is no mystery. It's erotica! You're out of your element here, Erika. There's no way you can beat me in a battle of erotica, you mystery buff!

"Mister Player... Do you know how much erotica I've read?"

Hm? You couldn't have had much time with all of that mystery reading. It would be beneath you, right? I'd imagine all of this smutty, perverted storytelling must be pretty new to a noble girl like you. Don't worry- I'll show you the ropes.

"<One thousand>, Mister Player. Counting only published works, of course. If we count internet smut fiction, it's much, much higher."

Wait... What?

"I said <One thousand,> in your native English. Do you understand? There is not a single experience you can write in this story of yours that is unfamiliar to me. By this level of reasoning, you may as well bury your precious Pink Trigger in the garden outside of the mansion now, never to be found like that weak-stemmed rose. There is no way to influence me or trick me into any degrading smut situation. You're right: I'm above all of it because I'm familiar with all of it!"

Shit... I hadn't anticipated this.

Wait, if you read all of that, you must really enjoy smut, huh?

Dlanor coughed in the background while Erika banged her fist on the table, causing droplets of instant ramen water to shoot out and dot its surface. "That's not the point! The point is you've taken the mystery story that everyone was enjoying and turned it into some unrecognizable, F-grade porno fanfic! I'm not going to let you get away with it!" the small girl scolded me, now losing her cool just a bit. "Aaah... You were even thinking of writing fiction about my lovely master, weren't you?! Why haven't you already?!"

Ah... I just hadn't gotten around to it yet, but I was going to-

"Did you hear, Dlanor?! He was going to! This pervert was going to write a story where my master has to sneak around the mansion in a school swimsuit! When it snags on a tree-branch, she's **** to keep going, buck-naked! Oh, but the guest house is right there! Is there a way for her to get inside without being seen?! And once she gets in, she finds only a hand towel!" Dlanor questioned, leaning across the table while pointing an accusatory finger in my direction. "That's the kind of smutty ENF story this man was going to write! Well, from one intellectual **** to another, you're not qualified to keep writing this story! Only I, Furudo Erika, am fit to write the perfect smutty story featuring my master!"

Ah... Bernkastel really must not be watching, or else, Erika would have been punished for this.

"Lady Erika... Are you really planning to continue this GAME? I thought the point was to end it and restore it to MYSTERY?" Dlanor asked, looking troubled. Erika may still feel in her element, but Dlanor clearly didn't.

"Stuuupid! I can't play this game as a mystery, it's too stupid!" Erika shut down her companion, wearing a scornful expression. "I have to face this smut-fiend as a fellow smut-fiend and beat him at his own game! Then, once he's defeated, I'll toss away his useless piece... then I think I'll make Battler into my sex ****... Mwehehehe...! Bullying him in his mystery is good, but this could also be sort of... <very good> as well...!"

That noble detective was now drooling over her ramen. Ah... She didn't have to call me a ****. I'm a man of love...

So be it, Lady Erika. I'll face you in a battle of smut. But first...