"Painful" Decisions

He knows the way this plays; it's happened to him many times before. She'll start with how he scares her, how she feels uncomfortable with the **** implied in his lifestyle. She'll cry and tell him she loves him, but she can't stay with him because she can't bear to watch him die slowly. She'll mention the inevitable, that one day he won't be fast enough or smart enough or lucky enough, and she'll get The Call, maybe get a government funeral, more likely just a simple urn and a quiet order to never speak of him or what he did. She'll remind him that his life is dangerous, that **** and **** are following him. How she needs safety, and stability, and a reliable man to be with her forever, maybe to raise a nice family with in some picket-fence fantasy. Then she'll cry some more, and end up leaving after he's not able to promise any sort of change. This moment was always coming, and he's been prepped for it; he knows that Tommy is way too special to be with a monster like him. He'll beg her to take some money so she can set herself up, and she'll probably refuse, and they'll kiss one last time, and then she'll walk away and he'll go back to Hell.

She pulls him back toward the bedroom, and he hopes she won't try to put out for him as a goodbye. He can feel the monster taking over, the urge to skip all the conversation and just open the door for her to go. He's two seconds from pulling away from her when she pushes him to the bed, pushes him down flat, slides down next to him, curls into his side, under his arm. He feels her tears through his shirt, and he opens his mouth to speak.

"No," she says, voice cracking. She places a finger over his lips, shushes him. "I'm speaking, you're listening." Tommy pauses, takes a deep breath, steadies herself. "We have to get something straight, because I can't keep watching from the sidelines as you sink."

Here it comes, he thinks, freezing, waiting for the car crash. The silence of her pause lasts forever, his existence narrowing into a single lonely dark point.

"I need you to know something," she murmurs, nuzzled into his shoulder. "I grew up abused, and I grew up on the streets, hustling. I've been hurt, and you know I've seen bad things happen. I've done bad things, too. So I need you to understand that nothing you do is going to shock me or stop me from loving you. I know there are people who use you to do bad things, but I also know you will never hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it ever again. You've changed, Nicki; we've changed. I will be here for you no matter what you do, no matter what you have to do, no matter how things end up, if we die in a hail of gunfire or grow old and have grand-kids surrounding us when we go, either way, I will be right by your side through the whole ride, long or short. I'd rather have whatever time we are allowed, than to play it safe and miss even one second with you. So, please, baby, stop trying to hold me out of that other life, or to conceal it from us."

"Us?"

"Sarah and Bailey, and however many other lovers we uncover while we're living the sybaritic lifestyle as sex-hotel owners. They agree with me that we want to keep experimenting with this poly-cluster or whatever we're calling it. So we want you to know, and I NEED you to know, we aren't fragile little flowers who are going to run away the moment we hear you hurt someone we all know deserves it."

She sits up enough to lean over him, her eyes glittering with tears. "I love you more than anything in the world, Nicki," she whispers. "I will always be here. As long as you want me."

"Forever," he chokes out, crying again, and their kiss is long, intimate, and precious. It's the moment he will remember for the rest of his life.