"Let's check the scores."

“Okay, let’s check the scores. Beth… one hundred and thirteen. Fine, but nothing special.”

“Nothing special? Do you know what I had to fucking do to get to one hundred and thirteen?”

“You don’t know how high this thing goes,” you say, with a shrug. “Okay, Lily… three hundred and seventy-four! Wow, girl! I’m impressed! Didn’t know that was possible on the mortal realm! How did you pull it off?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to, it’s all over the internet,” says Meg, passing her phone over. You scroll through the countless pictures, movies and gifs all over social media, laughing and shaking your head while Lily sits there seething. “Oh, man. The thing they did to you with the firehose and the big rubber band? That’s inspired. Anyway, Lily’s in the clear. It’s between Beth and Kitty, who has…”

You pause.

“What does she have?” Beth looks anxious. Kitty’s just sitting there, saying nothing. “Sitri? What does she have? Come on! I need to know! I don’t want to spend the weekend in Hell! I hate it there! I mean, I’ve never been, but it has to be horrible, it’s Hell!”

“Kitty has…”

“Yes?”

“The score..”

“Yes??”

“Of…”

“Yes???”

“Zero,” you say, putting down her monitor. “She told us five minutes in she wasn’t going to bother. We just hung out in the dorm all day reading comic books.”

There’s a long silence.

“So,” says Lily, slowly and thoughtfully. “All that stuff we did…”

“Totally unnecessary.”

“We could have just, like, flashed our panties in the Quad for five seconds and called it a day.”

“Yep.”

“And Kitty didn’t tell us this, because…”

“Thought it’d be funny,” said Kitty, shrugging. “Plus Sitri gave me five bucks to OW! OW OW OW!” Lily has grabbed her by the hair. You hear “You’re the WORST! I HATE YOU!” as she pulls Kitty to the floor, hair-pulling, slapping, pinching and selectively tearing each other’s clothes as they roll over and over in a dorm room cat fight. You let it go on for five or ten minutes before finally stepping in and pulling the two girls off each other.

“If it’s any comfort,” you say, holding Lily back as she kicks and snarls, “Hell is way worse than what you two girls just did. It’s no comparison. I tried to tell Kitty that, but she wouldn’t believe me.”

“Come on. How bad can it be?”