She Speaks Her Silence

The man I fell in love with. Three years ago. Leaving me once again. As I kiss him goodbye on his way out of the door, sadness brims inside my breaking heart. There are very few moments where I get to be in his presence. I knew that this would come with marrying him, and I believed that I could handle this, but time has shown that I am not strong enough. Days go by. My heart aches a little more each day, and my mind grows weaker.

As my mind grows weaker, it struggles to hold back the beast that lays dormant inside me. Unfaithfulness. The thought would have disgusted me three years ago, but after all this time, I can no longer say that the thought has not crossed my mind. The only badge of pride I have left to hold is that the beast that would act upon these thoughts if it ever awoke, has not yet broken out.

I hear his car drive away towards the airport. I close the front door, locking it as I lean my head against it. His first major film role. He said it could take months, and it may be long before I see him again, before I feel his touch again. Lust. What it all bows down towards. Lust. The feeling I have felt so much of over these three cold years. Toys can only do so much, and without him here, there is nothing to satisfy my needs.

After a few minutes of accepting that he has left me once again, I turn away from the door, ready to start the day. I make myself fried eggs for a good start to the day before heading to the shower. The warm spray of water on my skin helps to melt away the cold sorrow that I will feel for the coming months, but it does little to stop the feelings I bottle up inside me.

As I step out of the shower, the cool breeze quickly rids of any warmth I had before. As I throw on a gown, I hear a knock at the door. I rush to it, whilst covering myself, to see who it is. As I open the door I see Jeff, the postman, standing behind the door. He looks directly at me before he adverts his gaze and turns red. I look down to see my exposed left nipple, protruding from beneath my gown.

"Apologies Misses Rose" Jeff says shyly, whilst handing me a parcel. The parcel is a large box with a big logo for an adult toy store stuck to the front of it. "I assume your husband has left on business again?"

I nod my head in response. Does he know what the parcel is? I feel so embarrassed.

"It must get lonely in that big house all by yourself." Jeff asks trying to move the conversation on.

"Yes it does get quite lonely, especially when Mason is never here." I reply. "Would you like to come in for some tea to keep me company for a little? If you're not busy of course."

"I would be delighted ma'am" Jeff says smiling. He walks into the house and I direct him to the lounge room as I rush off to prepare some tea.

When I return with some tea a few minutes later, I find Jeff looking at the parcel, seemingly studying it.

"Does Mason know that you use these?" Jeff says gesturing towards the parcel. I freeze in shock. "It's a pretty big box you've got. Let me guess, you get bored of your other ones that never quite hit the spot, don't quite replicate the real thing, so you keep trying bigger and bigger, hoping one will fill the void inside you, am I correct? Even though you know there is nothing like the real thing."

I notice activity in Jeff's pants. He stands up. He walks a few steps toward me as I stand there in place. Thoughts race through my mind. Some tell me to kick him out of the house, while others tell me to "fill the void inside me". In the end I know only one of these sides can win.