Undressing Professor Jerkoff

"WAKEY WAKEY JAKEEEEY!!"

"What the fuck Bash!" Jake rubbed his eyes and yawned before looking at his alarm clock in annoyance "It's three in the morning! Don't I get a single cunting minutes break from you? Do you not have to fucking sleep?"

"A master practical joker never sleeps Jake, and three AM is the perfect time for us to strike with our unique brand of perverted mischief!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about and neither do I give a shit. Leave me alone!"

"I'm talking about the hilarious jape we're about to play on Professor Jerkoff!"

"Don't call Jennifer that! She's nice!" Jake complained as he buried his head under his pillow "And I don't want to play a joke on her. I'm pretending to be a professor of boobs and living in an all girls college aren't I? Isn't that enough for you already?"

"Oh, don't pretend you're doing any of this for my benefit Jakey. And might I remind you that under the terms of our agreement you owe me one practical joke on Jerkoff before I can make your sister dull again. The extra weeks extension you agreed to in exchange for my help earlier can't even start until you've settled your debt."

"Your help? You completely fucked everything up for me with Jess! There's no way that counts!"

"A deal is a deal Jakey, That doesn't change just because you failed to get your dick into the cheerleader girl's hole or because you had a pleasant five minute conversation with Little Jenney Jerkoff about work and fell head over heels iin love with her."

"I'm not in love with her you fucking bellend."

"Then why are you protecting her even over your own sister?"

"Fine, we'll play a fucking prank on Jennifer then!" Jake threw his pillow to the ground furiously "I'm sure it will be great fun at three in the morning when I'm half asleep."

"That's the spirit!" Bash slapped his friend on the back ironically "Now, I expect you're curious to know what deliciously devious scheme I've concocted for our professorial pal?"

"I'm on the edge of my fucking seat."

"First of all I initiate a strategic time freeze. Then we sneak into her room using this!"

He proudly held up a plain white plastic swipe card.

"What's that?" Jake asked with concern.

"It's the master key for this place. It can get us into any room we want at any time we want."

"For fuck's sake Bash, what if someone finds that in my room?" Jake hissed "It's probably a literal criminal offence having something like that in my possession!"

"Oh, relax Al Capone! They won't even notice it's gone. I found it buried away in some security guy's drawer. They only have it in case of an emergency and what kind of emergency is there ever going to be in this place?"

Jake was left staring at Bash in open-mouthed disbelief, which allowed his companion to continue setting out his plan.

"Anyway, once we're in Jenny's room you undress her while she's sleeping soundly and then I shrinkify her. Once she's the perfect combination of naked and portable we take her down to the students cafeteria, grow her back to full size and TA-DA! She wakes up naked in there tomorrow morning just as all of the students are coming in for breakfast. Whad'ya think?"

"Are you insane?"

"Imsanely awesome. Amiright?!"

Jake did not indulge Bash in the hi-five he had his hand held aloft for.

"You said this would be a small and harmless prank, not something that would wreck her career and mentally scar her for life."

"Okay, okay. We'll put her in the staff room instead. Much less drama."

"We're not putting her anywhere Bash!"

"Damn you really are no fun these days are you Jakey?" Bash sighed and shook his head "How about this. We go into her room, undress her, take a candid photo for you to keep confidentially and then leave. It's practically PG rated"

"Apart from all the nudity and voyeurism. It still feels like going way over the line, Bash"

"It may be a teeny tiny bit unethical, I admit. But you did the same thing to Jess only a few hours ago, and don't think I'm unaware that you've already wanked yourself off to that photo twice."

"God I hate having you around" Jake told Bash while making a creeped out expression "But it was different with Jess. She and I were becoming intimate."

"I see. So you should always make sure a girl might be willing to sleep with you before you secretly take nude photos of her and jerk off over them. That's very responsible of you Jakey. They should get you to do one of those informercials about consent."

"Don't make out like I'm the sick one here!"

"Do you still not get it? We're one and the same. You created me and I represent a part of you. Admittedly a part that's been increasingly smothered and repressed by a bigger, boringer and more cowardly portion of your psyche over the years. But there's a reason you always end up capitulating to me and that's because you secretly want me to drag you down to my level and into all of the crazy, sexy, fun shit we get up to together, while also maintaining the pretense that you're a moral person who doesn't approve of it. So c'mon, let me railroad you into getting a close up naked view of the woman you have a massive crush on. You can bitch at me as much as you want about how against the idea you are on the way there. Have your cake and eat it, buddy!"

---

"Just to be clear.." Jake reiterated as he and Bash approched Jenny's room "despite what you think I'm only doing this to get Lorraine back to normal, you off my back and some fucking sleep."

"You've told me that three times now" Bash remninded him "Methinks the Jakey doth protest too much."

"Fuck off. Don't force me into doing something then make out I wanted to do it."

"Force, right. I'm sure getting to strip the chick you've got the hots for naked didn't come into your thinking at all when you agreed to this."

"No it didn't. And don't talk so loudly. We'll wake people up"

"Okay, no loud talking" Bash nodded "But is singing okay? MMMBOP, BA DUBA DOP, BA DU BOP, BA DUBA DOP, BA DU BOP BA DUBA DOP YEAH YEAH!"

"What the fuck?!"

Jake had nearly jumped out of his skin in a panic and was now desperately scanning the room to check nobody had been alerted to them while Bash creased up with laughter.

"Nobody apart from you can see or hear me, dipshit. Plus we've got the whole place on time freeze!"

"Okay, I'm tired and a little on edge I momentarily forgot, all right?"

"I thought you'd enjoy the song. Don't you like Hansen anymore or something?"

"No"

"Huh. You used to love 'em. Anyway, let's provide you with a sight that'll wake you right up."

As Bash swiped the card through the reader and pushed the door to Jenny's room open this started to feel at once very real and very wromg to Jake.

"Aww she looks so wholesome and innocent like that! Makes what we're about to do to her seem all the mores despicably hot, don't you think Jakey boy?"

"I'm really starting to have second thoughts about this now we're here Bash."

"Then let me see if I can make them disappear. Et Voila!"

Bash pulled the bedcover away from Jenny like a proud chef removing the dish lid from a plate containing a particularly appetising main course.

"Damn, she looks good under her work clothes, eh?" Bash turned to Jake whose intense, open mouthed expression was all the answer he needed "Now, time to see what the professor looks like under her PJs."