Thumb War

-
[John N.] Okay, I can explain

[Liam S.] don’t you “i can explain” me you shitlord! (ಠ ∩ಠ)

[John N.] A bit harsh, don’t you think?

[Liam S.] harsh? HARSH? Do you have any idea what ive been through? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO??? (ʘ言ʘ╬)

[John N.] What did I do? You mean you haven’t been at all worried about me?

[Liam S.] NO ( ╯°A°)╯ ┻━━┻

[Liam S.] …

[Liam S.] A LITTLE (╮°-°)╮┳━━┳

[Liam S.] FUCK YOU (╯°益°)╯彡┻━━┻
-

John hadn’t a clue as to what Liam had gone through in his absence, but it was obviously a lot. He’d have preferred to deal with this in person rather than over the phone, but he still had a cover story to maintain with his mom. As far as she knew, he’d just come back from Liam’s. John couldn’t come up with a believable excuse as to why he needed to see his friend again ASAP.

He was also extremely tired, and really not in the mood for getting screamed at.

-
[John N.] Look, I really can’t deal with this right now

[John N.] Does it help if I say I’m sorry?

[Liam S.] You can’t deal with this? YOU can’t deal with this??

[Liam S.] DO YOU EVEN

[Liam S.] (╬ Ò﹏Ó)

[Liam S.] (＃`Д´)

[Liam S.] (`皿´＃)

[Liam S.] ╭∩╮( •̀Д•́ )╭∩╮

[Liam S.] (凸ಠ曲ಠ)凸

[John N.] …

[John N.] Are you done?

[Liam S.] one more

[Liam S.] (ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ

[Liam S.] now im done

[Liam S.] (also yes it helps)

[Liam S.] but imstill mad as hell at you!

[Liam S.] ive been being gaslit by reality this entire weekend. I can’t stop sweating, I can’t sleep, I can barely eat, I don’t know if I can trust my own father, and I think I’m starting to hallucinate

[Liam S.] and now that i finally get a hold of you to actually get some goddamn answers before i tear out my own teeth with my BARE FUCKING HANDS because it might stop the BEES behind my EYEBALLS from buzzing for FIVE FUCKING SECONDS you want to put me on HOLD???!??.

[Liam S.] are you fucking SERIOUS

[Liam S.] like are you fcuknig kidding me right now??
-

John’s jaw tightened. He sincerely contemplated throwing his phone out the window. Maybe he really was responsible for whatever psychological nightmare Liam had been going through, but the fact of the matter was that he simply did not care. John could beat himself up with guilt tomorrow, but not now. He’d had enough of shit from everyone around him to last a lifetime, and he didn’t need any more from the one guy on earth that was supposed to be his friend.

-
[John N.] Listen

[John N.] Over the past few days, I’ve been covered in sweat, blood, and hyena shit. I’ve been shot through with arrows, slashed open by knives, and pulverized by a club bigger than I am. I’ve wrestled a crocodile, been smothered by roaches, suffered third-degree burns all over my body, including INSIDE MY MOUTH, watched someone’s face get eaten, and had to dodge FLAMING CUM. I can’t even remember how many bones I’ve broken, or how many things I had to kill to get back here. I HAD TO LASSO A MAN WITH HIS OWN INTESTINES

[John N.] I almost died

[John N.] And I am not shitting you here. I saw the light at the end of the motherfucking tunnel

[Liam S.] dude

[John N.] Twice

[John N.] So FORGIVE ME if I’m a little short with you right now. I’ve been having KIND OF HARD TIME
-

“You’ve been typing up a storm over there, Johnny,” his mom called out from the den. “Everything okay?”

It took her voice to pull John out of his fervor and realize that he was grinding his teeth and tensing every muscle in his body. He was gripping his phone so hard that he was liable to crack it, if he hadn’t safeguarded it in the world’s most durable case. Liam’s scorn had gotten under this skin far deeper than he’d expected. John’s heart rate had skyrocketed over the course of his typed tirade, and he could feel adrenaline starting to enter his system, but he could already feel the pang of regret. He’d lashed out at his one friend, a friend who by all means seemed to be dealing with his own nerve-wracking troubles. Liam deserved better than that

“Yeah, Mom,” he replied, putting his phone to sleep for the moment. He took a second to relax his body and put on a convincing smile before speaking again, “Liam and I were kind of in the middle of an argument when it was time to go and we’re still at it. Don’t worry, it’s just stupid game stuff. We’re not actually mad at each other.”

“Alright,” Brenda said with a raised eyebrow and a tone that suggested she wasn’t entirely convinced. Regardless, she let it drop. “You boys really can be stubborn about the silliest things. Now get in here, the show’s gonna start.”

-
<New Skill!>
Guile - Lv. 1
Subterfuge, Passive
How to lie with grace and aplomb.
Regulates the user’s microexpressions and enhances the ability to generate convincing falsehoods. Also offers minor protection from magically derived lie detection.
-

Oh, I don’t feel great about that.

John decided that he’d add dealing with the implications of gaining a level for lying to his mother to the pile of ‘things to figure out later.’ In the meantime, he’d watch Jeopardy and figure out what was going on with his friend’s questionable grip on sanity. He flopped onto the couch and maintained vague attention on the TV while turning on his phone again.

-

[Liam S.] thats rough buddy

[John N.] …

[John N.] I hate you

[John N.] Now tell me what happened

[Liam S.] first i need to make sure youre really you

[John N.] okay?

[Liam S.] Who’s my main in smash?

[John N.] Daisy

[Liam S.] whos my favorite lewds artist?

[John N.] cuboon

[Liam S.] i am the bone of my _____

[John N.] You know I don’t know that Fate shit

[Liam S.] correct

[Liam S.] last one. Where does elden ring take place?

[John N.] Ohio

[Liam S.] okay its really you

[John N.] Last I checked

[Liam S.] look, i have two sets of memories of this weekend

[Liam S.] im a LITTLE fucked up ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

[John N.] Shit
-

It was worse than John feared. He expected Liam to have some memory issues, but nothing this severe. According to Erica, the tea should have either worked or not. The fact that Liam apparently fell somewhere in the middle had John deeply concerned. Suddenly, Liam’s predicament came into focus with disturbing quality.

Meanwhile, he had to continue to pretend to be invested in Jeopardy, lest his mom start to worry too much.

-
[Liam S.] according to my memories and my dad, you’ve been herr all weekend. we payed a fuckton of games.

[Liam S.] everything was fine until i noticed that my rocet leage playtime hadnt changed eevn though we played for at least three hours on saturday

[Liam S.] then i realized that i couldtn find you anywhere in the house and i couldnt reach you on the phone

[John N.] Let’s just say I didn’t have any service

[Liam S.] i figured whn none of my messges were marked as read

[Liam S.] it was late and i was tired so maybe it was sleep deprevation ya know? i went to bed

[John N.] Then what?

[Liam S.] then i woke up with new memories of hanging out with you that night that definitely didn’t happen. i remembered you spending the night but there wasn’t anywhere ffor you to sleep and you were still gone. thats when i started to go crazy

[John N.] I’m so sorry, dude. This shouldn’t have happened to you.

[Liam S.] what happened? is it the illuminati or the lizard eople? stone masons? how many people have their memories atered?

[John N.] Just you, your dad, and my mom. You can save the conspiracy theories, I know what happened.

[Liam S.] so basically its all your fault?

[John N.] …yeah

[Liam S.] fuck you and I’m glad youre okay

[John N.] fuck you and I’m glad you’re okay too

[Liam S.] so some of my memories ARE fake for certain?

[John N.] Yeah. I’ve been gone all weekend. Anything you remember about me since school never happened.

[Liam S.] PRAISE THE FUCKING SUN \[T]/

[Liam S.] You have no idea how seriously i needed to hear that

[Liam S.] like im totally exhausted but in a good way

[John N.] I’m sorry
-

There was undoubtedly a lot Liam wasn’t telling him. The sudden uptick in typos was an indicator all on its own, but the very idea of reality and perception not matching up for days at a time gave John a headache just to think about. Despite his rage, John got the distinct feeling that Liam was holding back the details for his sake.

“Mount Everest!” his mom shouted eagerly at the TV. It reminded him to still play his part here in the real world.

“What is Mauna Kea,” John said, barely glancing up from his phone. A contestant repeated him a fraction of a moment later, confirming his answer. Even in light of everything, he couldn’t help but smirk with satisfaction.

“I thought Everest was the highest mountain in the world?” Brenda asked, genuinely confused.

“It is, but it was a trick question. It was about the tallest mountain, not the highest,” John said. “Mauna Kea is taller, but It starts further below sea level than Everest, so it doesn’t go as high.”

Brenda shifted to regard her son with a sort of disgruntled pride.

“How do you even know that?” she asked.

“I dunno,” John said. He really didn’t. He couldn’t recall where or when he learned about it, only that he did.

“Smart aleck,” Brenda replied. “Why don’t you go on air and win us a couple grand, huh? You could, you know.”

“Nah,” John waved her off. The sheer anxiety of being put on the spot, filmed, and shown to millions was enough to bring panic to his heart, but there was another reason he’d never considered applying. “I know jack all about geography, and less about sports. I might be able to get away with not knowing one, but not both.”

“And the US public school system fails my family once again,” Brenda sulked a little too comically and sunk into her seat. John shook his head and returned to his phone.

-
[Liam S.] okay so what happened and how much should I blame you?

[John N.] It was something I did that set off a chain of events that got you memory ****, but I have nothing to do with it actually happening

[Liam S.] suuuure

[John N.] I’m serious. Do you remember getting visited by some official looking people and sitting down for tea?

[Liam S.] no

[Liam S.] wait YES!

[Liam S.] its fuzzy but now that you mention it yeah

[Liam S.] did i get ROOFIED?? 〣( ºΔº )〣

[John N.] No

[John N.] Sort of

[John N.] You got Magic roofied

[Liam S.] and thats better how??

[John N.] Because they weren’t trying to hurt you. There’s this… organization I kinda work with. They just wanted to cover up the fact that I was missing.

[Liam S.] …seriously what the fuck did you do?

[John N.] I may have accidentally kidnapped someone important

[Liam S.] How do you kidnap someone on ACCIDENT?.?

[John N.] I promise I’ll explain everything to you in person tomorrow. Right now can you just trust me that it was an accident? Right now I’m more concerned about why the tea only sorta worked on you

[Liam S.] why? maybe im just too awesome for it

[John N.] That’s not it. It shouldn’t have worked on you at all. I was told that it doesn’t work on mages

[Liam S.] but you said im a mage

[John N.] Exactly

[Liam S.] so one of those two statements is incorrect

[John N.] I guess? But you can do magic and I trust the person that told me

[Liam S.] insufficient data

[John N.] I’ll find out what I can before I go to sleep

[Liam S.] take the early bus to school tomorrow

[John N.] Alright

[Liam S.] and bring me a coffee

[John N.] Sure

[Liam S.] hazelnut with two shots of espresso and roughly one whole cows worth of half & half

[John N.] You’re getting a regular coffee

[Liam S.] you owe me

[John N.] ...fine

[John N.] Just play along with everything for now, okay? If anyone but me asks, I hung out at your place all weekend

[Liam S.] ( ￣^￣)ゞ

[John N.] And don’t pull your teeth out

[Liam S.] try not to get hit by flaming cum

[Liam S.] …you were joking about that right?

[John N.] I wish I was

[Liam S.] jesus christ

[John N.] You don’t know the half of it

[Liam S.] and right now i dont want to

[Liam S.] but hey

[Liam S.] im trusting you okay?

[Liam S.] i really need what youre saying to be true

[John N.] I won’t let you down

[John N.] I promise

[Liam S.] i think normally here id say “gay” and send a few rainbow emojis

[Liam S.] but today im just gonna say thanks

[John N.] gay

[Liam S.] <3
-

With the situation resolved for the night, John tossed his phone to the side and let out a sigh of relief. No longer engaged, he could finally appreciate how wonderful it felt just to sit on the couch in his nice, warm home.

“Looks like your argument is done,” his mother said with a coy smile on her face. “Who won?”

“Liam,” John said, “but I let him.”

“That’s my boy,” she said. “So generous, just like your father.”

“If you say so,” John **** out through a deep yawn. He realized how heavy his limbs felt all of the sudden. John imagined Liam was feeling much the same, given his friend’s experience over the last few days.

“You must be pretty beat if you’re already yawning at this hour,” Brenda said, immediately transitioning into mothering mode. It involved a unique tone of voice she reserved exclusively for telling John what to do. “Why don’t you head to bed early tonight?”

“Sleep is for the weak,” John said through another yawn. He attempted to shoot his mother a confident gaze, but it came off much more **** looking than intended.

“Sleep is for growing young men who have school in the morning,” Brenda gently scolded. She rose to her feet and stepped over to her son to grab one of his arms in an attempt to get him off the couch. “Now get up and trot your ass to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine,” John protested. He didn’t resist getting pulled to his feet, however, and slowly meandered towards the stairs. He knew that he’d just promised Liam he’d try to find out what he could tonight, but, even if he had the energy, he didn’t really have any idea how to go about it.

By John’s reckoning, that meant he’d already done all he could. He had therefore fulfilled his promise and could get some sleep with a clear conscience. It made sense to him, at least.

He skipped most of his nightly ritual, opting instead simply to disrobe until he didn’t feel like it anymore before collapsing on his bed. It would have been easier to simply unequip everything, but he was too tired to remember his inventory. What he did remember, amidst the heavenly comfort of an honest to god mattress, was vaguely missing the floral scent of a certain uptight Paladin before passing out.