The Queen Explains her Plan

The Queen stood up. All I could see now were her thighs and the bottom of her crotch, or rather, the hand she used to cover it. I felt something cold press against my stomach and move around. The Queen had picked up a marker and was writing something on my body.

“I bet you are wondering why I’m doing this. Believe or not, you are not my target. The fat bastard that runs the fishing contest, Pedro Surubo, is my target. Every year that corrupt politician does this stupid, and illegal, competition and everyone in the town loves it. You know how many endangered species they fish out? It’s an environmental disaster! So this year I drew the line. I sent him my warning. As usual he just ignored me. Why do they all do that?!”

“Hmph hmmph!”

“Right, your part in the whole thing. You see, he was really proud of that big fish he pulled out of the ocean. So I figured that the best way to hurt him was to take it, and the contest, away from him. But I couldn’t just disappear the fishes, they would think that they fell down on the sea at some point thanks to a failure on the hooks or something like that. No one would have learned their lesson! This whole Queen of Pranks business is not about pulling practical jokes on people, at least not exclusively, it’s about sending a message. Making the world a better place. You know?”

“Hmph!”

“Sorry, I got a little sidetracked. Bottom line is that I’m vanishing the fish and making it seem like you did it by framing you as an eco-activist protesting the fishing contest. PETA does nudity all the time, right? Why would this be different? This way he gets mad, and the town can’t plug their ears like usual and ignore his atrocities anymore. It’s not like he can even call the cops because then he’ll have to admit that he fished out a legally protected endangered animal… On that note what do you think sounds better? Fishing for justice or justice for fish? Never mind, there is enough of space for both of them.”

“Hmmmmmp?”

“Why don’t I strip him? Well firstly, he would not look good naked, unlike you!” She playfully squeezed my left boob, I flailed around angrily in return. “Secondly, I’m the Queen of Pranks, not the Queen of Stripping, getting rid of the stupid fish would upset him way more than showing his body to the world. Thirdly, I learned from Rena and Amanda that public nudity equals free publicity, so instead of giving him the free press, I’m giving it to my unwitting activist. This way the message spreads even more!”

The Queen stopped painting for a second and crouched down to my level. She leaned her head forward and gave me a most evil stare. Her smile was gone. “And finally, what I’m doing to you sends a warning to any other wannabe detectives that would dare to get in my way.” She gave my face a gentle slap and went back to drawing.

She kept going at it. Filling my skin with cheesy environmental slogans. They were on my stomach, breasts, legs, even my forehead read # savethefish. She materialized small cardboard signs with even more anti fishing messages and put them on the ground. Satisfied, she slung her bags over her shoulders and took pictures with her fancy camera, always watchful that it covered her breasts while her bag shielded her nether regions. I wish she would have been that considerate with my own modesty. Knowing where her photos would end up filled me with a sense of dread and made me thrash about even more intensely.