The Delicate Art of Hostage Negotiation

Joey barely remembered to bring Liv back from Hogwarts, before rushing out to use his new powers for something more genuinely altruistic than helping a hot girl fulfil her sexual fantasies. For the first time, he actually felt pressure here. What if his sudden gift for deception let him down now? Someone could realistically die. Everything Joey had lied about up until this point had essentially been for the sake of his own pleasure or convenience. This was serious.

"Thank God you got here, I was starting to worry it would be too late" Kayleigh rushed over to tell Joey as he arrived on the scene "The bastard is holed up with his ex-girlfriend in her apartment. Hr's armed and almost seems to have a **** wish. Nothing anyone is saying is getting through to him. I really fear that if this doesn't get resolved soon he's going to do something horrific"

Joey took a deep breath. He knew he had to intervene, but didn't even want to consider the consequences of fucking this up. He walked over to the cop who seemed to be in charge of proceedings.

"Joey Jones, FBI" he told him in the most authoritative tone he could manage. It wasn't lost on Joey that he was brazenly breaking the law right in the face of the police here "I'm one of the states most experienced hostage negotiaters. I can try speaking to him, if that would help?"

"You have no idea how relieved I am to see you, Jones" the cop told Joey as he passed him his phone "I'm out of ideas here, This guy doesn't want to listen to reason, and it seems like he is on the brink of doing something really stupid. I'll leave him in your capable hands"

Joey tried to calm his nerves as he thought what he should say. It was hitting him hard that this was a life or **** situation he had inserted himself into the middle of, and was now expected to defuse.

"You've got this, Joey!" Kayleigh called out to him from the assembled crowd that was helplessly watching the potentially tragic events unfold.

"Hello?" Joey began tentatively, not having had time to even think about what his opening line should have been.

"What's this? Some new asshole to try and handle me?" a voice, dripping with rage, spat from the other end of the line "I'm seriously running out of patience here. I'm going to shoot this fucking bitch right between the eyes if you don't stop playing games and do what I tell you soon. Don't think i won't go through with it. I've got nothing to lose at this point"

Joey hesitated for a moment. He could hear loud, **** sobbing in the background. This was all feeling incredibly real. If what he was about to attempt didn't come off, an innocent person could lose their life right now. He didn't see any other option though, and reminded himself that nobody had been immune to his powers yet.

"You can't shoot anyone" Joey told the hostage taker "Because that isn't a gun you're holding, it's a banana"

There was a short but agonising delay as Joey waited to see if that outrageous lie had taken.

"Fuuuuck!" a pained cry came down the line "How did I mistake a fucking banana for a gun? I'm so useless! That's it then, I'm totally screwed"

"You aren't screwed - what's your name?"

"Tommy" the voice has lost all of its menace now, it sounded almost like a frightened child was talking.

"Look Tommy, there is an easy way out of this. First, you need to put down the banana, it isn't going to do anything for you. Then you need to walk out of the building quietly, and with your hands in the air"

"But the cops will just pounce on me"

"There are no cops out here"

"Huh? What about you? I thought you said you were FBI?"

"That was a little white lie" Joey told Tommy "This is actually your father speaking"

"Dad?" suddenly there was weeping coming from the other end of the line "I've really fucked up, Dad. I don't know how I even got here. You know I'm not a bad person. She just wouldn't take me seriously"

"It's okay son, you can just walk out of there now and everything will be fine. We'll all just forget any of this ever happened"

"Really?"

"Really"

As the scrawny, emotional and unarmed young man walked out of the front door and was immediately wrestled to the ground by three muscular cops, Joey couldn't help but feel a little bad for him. Still, this was probably the best possible resolution anyone could have hoped for.

"That was incredible" Kayleigh beamed as she came rushing into Joey's vision, amidst much hand shaking and back slapping from nearby police. He had never seen her look at him with such pure admiration before "You do realise you were a literal life saver there?"

"I don't feel I did anything much. I just said a load of bullshit down the phone" Joey shrugged,

"Well, it looks like bullshit is your superpower now" his friend giggled "Seriously, you were amazing. I'm guessing you'd prefer I left you out of the story when I write it up, though?"

"Yeah, just give the credit to the cops"

"Such a humble hero" Kayleigh smiled, though there was the vaguest hint of sadness in her eyes "I guess I'd better let you get back to your girlfriend then?"

"Yeah, Liv and I were kind of in the middle of something"

"Liv" Kayleigh repeated with a nod, the name reveal somehow making things more official to her "We're still on for tomorrow though, right?"

"Of course!" Joey smiled.

"Good. I have a few ideas, things I'd like to test. But that can wait. Go back to your girl. Your work is done here for today, Bullshitman!"

Kayleigh stroked Joey's arm and winked before walking away. Had she ever winked at him before? He was pretty sure he would have remembered if she had.