Talking Ulva around to joining the party

Ulva laughs. "I've already talked with Lulu Mariner," she says. "She wants an entertainment lawyer, or an agent, not me. I'm a marriage and family law litigator."

Ulva has her usual dress for success uniform, a sharkskin-colored raw silk pantsuit, a flattering blouse with a conservative neckline, a tight dark perm, bold eye and brow makeup, blood-red lipstick and matching nail enamel. Her mid-height heels make her imposingly tall, but not towering.

"Poor dear, Ulva," Anne says. "Counselor Lupino? Lulu is inviting us to a party to negotiate whether we can borrow her mansion for our honeymoon house party. She wants to watch the fierce ball-busting lawyer who humiliated my husband getting hammered into a puddle of treacle by the young man who took his place."

"I have no problem with that," Ulva says. "I can get hammered into a gooey puddle and it just makes me happier the next morning. Ready to bust balls with a smile on my face. Now you, Anne." Ulva grins and eyes Anne's slowly growing baby bump. "You're the one who took a simple mercy fuck party and caught a husband. Pardon me, Joseph. Fiancé."

You grin at Ulva. "I resemble a husband and a fiancé, a baby-daddy and a boytoy. And I like it."

"I hate it when stupid, careless impulses pay off," Ulva says. "But you're rising to the occasion, mister. Prince fucking consort, I wouldn't have believed it."

"Lulu said that she was free anytime this weekend," you say, returning to the point. "She asked for you. And that's where I'm planning to be. That is, if you wanted to get hammered into a gooey puddle."

For a lawyer, Ulva does not have a good poker face. You can practically hear Yessss behind her blood-red, tightly closed lips.

"O ho ho ho ho!" Anne crows. "Counselor, would you like to find time in your appointments book to meet Ms. Mariner about a little sub-let rental?"

Ulva proposes a time. "I'll come here. You drive, Joe."

"My pleasure, Counselor."

Ulva snorts. "Anne. You're really doing the My Fair Lady thing on this poor boy."

"Joseph loves it, Ulva," Anne says. "Don't you, Mister Campion."

You swallow. This is not where the Pickup Artist's Guide was pointing you. But you go hunting cougars, and sometimes the cougar catches you.

"I do, Mrs. Campion. Would you like me to fetch something?"

Your boss, your soon-to-be wife Anne Campion, gives you a narrow smile, looks at you through lowered eyelids, and brushes back her dark red hair.

Ulva sniffs. "Well, Nick and Nora, when are you getting your Asta?"

"Oh no, Ulva," Anne says. "We already have our Asta. A fierce, loyal guardian."

Ulva waits.

"You are our Asta." Anne clears her throat and recites. "I'm your glorious bitch. Counselor?"

Ulva stands frozen, then breaks into a grin. "I'll TAKE it," she says. "Part-time." She laughs. "Imagine Nick and Nora with a Giant Schnauzer."

"What, you're a dog person?" Anne says.

"I could never afford one," Ulva says. "First money, now time. But I go to the dog park sometimes, just to look." She turns her face to you. "Woof woof, boy." Her face turns predatory, then she breaks up into another laugh. "Oh GOD you have no poker face, Joe."

"That's why I love him," Anne says. "Mr. Campion will never deceive me."

She really did take a punch to the gut from her cheating ex. You, she tells you who to fuck around with, and who not to, and it's really pretty wonderful.

"Cross my heart," you say. "Mrs. Campion."

"Ahh-dorable," Ulva says, with only a light touch of scorn. "I'll leave you two to it. See you Saturday morning."

You and Anne look at each other quietly for a long minute after the door closes.

"I was not expecting her to go there," Anne says. "Are you all right, Joe?"

"I don't always know what to say." You smile. "But I kind of love that Ulva can just bitch at us. Gloriously. Does she have a secret part interest in my dick?"

"It's not secret at all," Anne says. "If she asks for you, I'll ask you to make her happy. Bitch fuck her like she wants. Is that alright, Joe?"

"It's wonderful. Why are you crying, Mrs. Campion?"

"How did I get so lucky?"

"That's my line, isn't it?"

"Kiss me, you beautiful foolish boy."