Scams and Scrums

Craig

Craig is searching high and low for PP. He doesn’t know what they look like. He doesn’t know where to find them. He is certainly not foolish enough to break into the royal treasury in the hopes that the dumb things are neatly labeled and easily accessible.

Not seeing anything immediately obvious as a dick enlarging device in his first sweep of the amenities floor, he approaches the staff. Not the dykes in charge, of course. That would blow up his plan before it truly gets started. The dumb bunny bimbo drones.

His first stop, to the Media Room concession stand, does not go well.

“Fuck off, asswipe!” the dumb strawberry blonde bunny snarls, throwing things at him as he approaches.

“Hey... you, if I remember correctly, YOU enjoyed using me as a sex toy and I didn’t get to get off. What’s the problem?”

Once it’s explained in an angry, huffy tone, Craig laughs at her misfortune. That was a mistake, as the things she starts throwing get much, much heavier. A number 10 can of movie theatre nacho “cheese” sauce grazes his shoulder. Ow. It stings a little, but didn’t do enough damage to get past his unarmored defense.

“Well, serves you right. Now, are you going to be helpful, or do I need to complain to your manager?”

Next can of fake cheese falls short, landing awkwardly into his ankle. Ow again. Guess not. Dumb skank.

Craig is annoyed enough by the bunny-whore that he sends a brief complaint text to the blue dyke on his way out. She responds with, “I will deal with it, but perhaps you should stop antagonizing my children and start figuring out how to get back into Mona’s good graces?” He hangs outside the Media Room just long enough to hear the bunny-slut start screeching at what must be the dyke. Chuckling, he tries somewhere else.

The convenience store works out better. The green-haired bunny skank actually has exactly one in stock. That confirms they are available. Unfortunately, the price is unbelievable. 50K BP? How the fuck am I supposed to afford that? The dumb slut won’t even let him see one unless he’s going to buy it. When Craig asked to purchase, she just laughed in his face and said that she knows his BP balance. That is unfortunate...

He texts off another complaint as he leaves. The response he gets from the blue dyke is less fun, “Craig, stop being a Karen. While Bonnie was out of line, some slight snark from Bella is not a big deal.”

Well, fuck you too, bitch.

So, he continues searching, asking the bunny-skanks what they know about PP. None of them are exactly helpful. And there are so many stupid locations in this fucking place! A bunny bistro for tea and petting rabbits? A roller skating rink? A cooking school? An old beatnik poetry club? Okay, the megalodon riding pool sounds kind of cool, but, seriously, why are so many of these places for lame loser nerds?!?!

So, the gnoll shouldn’t have been surprised to have his next discovery at yet another nerd location. Esme’s Epic Topdecks appears to be a dorky card game store. Sure, Craig likes playing poker well enough (and enjoys saucy playing cards like all red-blooded men do), but a whole store for card games played by virgin dweebs is ludicrous.

“Hey, you. How much to buy a PP here?”

The green haired bunny punk bimbo points to her name tag, snarking, “I have a name, you know.”

“Don’t care. Can I buy PP here?”

“No, but you can play for it.” The green skank points at a sign: “Newly arrived! Wai-Fu Quest: The Living Card Game! Woo the fabled hero with the power of magic and friendship! Ask about special promotional editions!”

“What’s that have to do with PP?”

“Not that sign. THAT sign!”

Challenge Esme for sweet prizes!

• Blazetrail vs Blazetrail – A promo Tina, Titan of Trickery
• Blazetrail vs Standard – An all foil Welcome deck
• Blazetrail vs. Modern – A premium foil Channel and a premium foil Fireball
• Blazetrail vs. Vintage – A PP or a mint slabbed Black Lotus

“Great. How do I do this?”

“Oh, simple. For Blazetrail vs. Blazetrail, you buy 2 Blazetrail packs and shuffle them together. We play. You win, you get a promo Mama Tina card. For the other options, you buy three Blazetrail packs, shuffle them together, then I pull out the appropriate deck and we play. You win, you get the prize. One prize per challenge per person. Are you interested?”

“How much is this gonna cost me?”

“For a shot at a PP? 15 BP. An absolute steal if you win.” the green skank declares, smiling mischievously.

“Ah, how do you play this game?”

“Just for you, I have a special offer. Buy a couple of Blazetrail packs and I will teach you.”

“Can I use them for the challenge?”

“Nope. Got to be fresh packs for the challenge.”

“Can I have a discount on the learning packs? I only got 20 BP on me.”

The bunny-skank smiles, “Sure. Promise to take on a Blazetrail vs Vintage challenge, and I’ll give you one of the learning packs for free!”

“Deal!”

Craig: -20 BP

The teaching games go well enough, Craig supposes. The game is fucking lame, but he understands it well enough after a few rounds. Feeling confident, he gets his three packs for the challenge and shuffles them together. He smirks as the bunny makes a wincing face at his excellent bridge shuffling.

Craig looks at his hand. Got a few leylines, a couple of creatures. Ooh, a removal spell in hand and I get to go first! Okay, I can win! “Keep!”

The skank sounds less excited, merely stating, “Keep. Turn zero action, play Gemstone Caverns, exiling Force of Will.”

Huh. Okay. Seems bad to lose a card to get a leyline into play early. But whatever. “Untap, Upkeep, Dra...”

“On your upkeep,” the bunny slut interrupts, “I tap my Gemstone Caverns for a blue mana, exile a Simian Spirit Guide for a red mana, and cast Flash. Response?”

Craig reads the cards, then sighs, “How could I respond?”

“Zero mana counterspell.”

Craig blinks, “A what?”

“Guess you don’t have it. Flash resolves. I play a Protean Hulk from my hand, not paying the 5. Death trigger on the stack. Response, though I highly doubt you have a zero mana way to stop the trigger from resolving.”

Craig is imagining ripping the stupid bitch’s face off.

“Hearing none, death trigger for Protean Hulk allows me to get any number of creatures of total mana value 6 or less and put them on the battlefield. I tutor up 4 disciples of the vault, 4 shifting walls, and 4 bioartifice marauders. The walls and marauders, which are all artifact creatures, enter with 0 toughness and die. 32 disciple of the vault triggers on the stack. Response?”

The gnoll reads the cards, then snarls, “Fuck you.” Craig stomps off.

The skank has the nerve to shout out, “Pleasure doing business with you, Craig!”

Okay, I got played by that fucking bunny bitch. But, at least I now know that I could win some PP. Just have to find games that will let me.

Andromeda

As promised, the arena is a plain, circular field. Ootah is to Andromeda’s left and Tessa is to her right. The former is holding her greataxe and letting out a harsh warcry. Tessa is stretching, scimitars drawn. Andromeda flexes her left forearm and her cannon protracts. Okay. We can do this.

Daphne’s voice comes over the intercom, “Ready, ladies?”

“WAAARGH!!!!!!!”

“I’ll take that as a yes! Wave One starting... now.”

Six men materialize. Wolf ears. Basic leather armor. Cruel smiles with bared fangs. Equally spaced apart. Not a simple ambush of all of them at once this time, I see. Andromeda moves as far ahead as she dares, blasting out a plume of fire. Her accuracy isn’t great; in the heat of the moment, she underestimated 15 feet. The thugs are singed, not burned.

Tessa charges, slashing twice at one of the armored wolf-men. The foe looks badly hurt. Ootah bellows as cold mist starts to flow around her. That must be a rune. The orc rushes toward the wolf-man directly in front of her and cleaves his head in two. One down.

Pain wracks through Andromeda as she finds a bolt stuck inside her. The far wolf-man has a crossbow in hand, aimed straight at her. He’s starting to reload. Andromeda fires off a Ray of Frost at one of the wolf-men by Ootah; he falls, frozen. Two down.

The room is rocked with a loud sound as Andromeda feels force flowing through her hair. Tessa pants and turns towards the crossbowman. Four down? Ootah slams her axe into the other nearby wolf-man, who staggers, staying barely on his feet.

She hears the twang of the crossbow this time. The arcanist android raises her hand and cast Shield. Pain again hits Andromeda hard as a second bolt hits her, the bolt only slightly slowed down. Hurts, hurts so bad. The girl staggers back, casts the closest thing to healing she has: False Life. Some sensation of extra shielding covers her. Grunts come from a wolf-man as a heavy wooden object clatters to the ground. Then the thump of a dead body; Ootah laughs, “Last one.”

Andromeda aims her Ray of Frost carefully. She finds an opening as Tessa shifts to expose the wolf-man awkwardly swinging a half-drawn mace. He freezes and falls over.

“Wave Two incoming in 12 seconds!” Daphne chirps over the intercom. Andromeda hears Tessa speak and some of her wounds knit. Not enough, but some.

Three more wolf-men appear behind them, two in the same leathers of the last wave. The third wolf-man, larger, nastier looking, is wielding a scimitar and wearing a heavier set of armor. Andromeda rushes to put her melee fighters between her and them, then fires off a Scorching Ray. The smaller thugs are heavily burned, but still standing. The larger wolf-man looks better off.

As Tessa chants out a poem, the big wolf charges. When he gets into range, Ootah smirks and strikes. The man drops instantly, then the orc charges the nearest thug and cleaves him in two. The last thug, obviously scared of Ootah, moves towards Tessa instead; the thug is knocked away, dead, as the bard releases her spell.

No warning this time; the last wave appears. Andromeda doesn’t have time to consider why. Three more wolf-men, one in heavy plate armor. Andromeda, panting with arousal, fires off another Scorching Ray. She’s now sooo close to orgasm. Again, not enough damage to drop any of them.

Tessa dashes forth and fires off another Thunderwave. A smaller thug is flung back, dead, and the captain is pushed back. Longsword in one hand, shortsword in the other, he approaches and slashes at the sea elf; Tessa takes a couple of grazing blows. Ootah, with another single swipe, drops the final minion and rushes to take a position behind the captain.

Andromeda knows that this is her last shot. With the last of her SP, she fires off a chromatic orb. The world goes to static as the orgasm washes over her.

Andromeda: Daily Task Complete! Intentionally Drain SP to Zero +5 BP

Tessa

The fireball from Andromeda lands true, and the captain is on his last legs. Tessa slashes through his neck and the same fanfare from the challenge plays. A scimitar clatters to the ground and Tessa picks it up. Ootah nods and scoops up Andromeda. The two head over to the recovery room, where Andromeda comes back from her little death.

The screen displays the results:

Andromeda: +1 XP (Killed 2 Level 1 Monsters, x0.25 penalty [overleveled], rounded up)

Andromeda: Weekly Bounty Complete! Successfully Complete a Delve +20 BP

Tessa: +3 XP (Killed 4 Level 1 Monsters, x0.25 penalty [overleveled], Killed 1 Level 3 Monster, x0.75 penalty [overleveled], rounded down)

Tessa: Weekly Bounty Complete! Successfully Complete a Delve +20 BP

Mona: Weekly Bounty Update – Ensure that each contestant successfully completes a delve (3/10)

Ootah: +2 XP (Killed 4 Level 1 Monsters, x0.25 penalty [overleveled], Killed 1 Level 2 Monster, x0.5 penalty [overleveled], rounded down)

Ootah: Weekly Bounty Complete! Successfully Complete a Delve +20 BP

Party: 150 BP to be divided, Thunder

“I guess we need to split 150 BP, too,” Ootah notes, seeing the last line.

“May I check your prize, Tessa?” Andromeda queries. Tessa nods, feeling kind of guilty that Andromeda got so little out of this. The arcanist android dutifully sits down with the blade and her leylines crisscrossing her body start to glow.

“I mean, I got a magic sword. I suppose the BP is between you and Andromeda?”

“That seems fair, assuming the sword is good enough. Here.”

The two rest, eating a little and restoring some electrolytes as Andromeda finishes ritually casting Identify. Soon enough, the gamer girl stands and writes the description down. Tessa reads it as Andromeda talks to Ootah about the rest of the loot:

Thunder [Tier 1] – Scimitar. 1d6 slashing damage. On a critical hit with this weapon, Tessa will an additional deal 5 thunder damage to each creature of her choice within 5 feet of her. This tiered magic item will increase in power as Tessa increases in her tier level. Next tier level bonus unlocks at Level 5.

That isn’t bad. A weapon that levels like Kevin’s? We should plan last hits on the boss better. Is this what those raid video game thingies are like?

Tessa was so lost in thought that she barely heard that Ootah was getting all of the BP. The three head to go get some dinner.

“You okay, Andromeda?”

“You win some, you lose some. We got the objective done, that’s all that matters.”

Tessa puts an arm around Andromeda anyways. It’s sad that Andromeda did her part and barely got anything out of it. Next time, we need to do better.