Round one

When we last left our hero, a big fat guy was falling on him from a long, long way up and for some reason he wasn't simply stepping out of the massive shadow.

"Holy crap, Asteroid M is falling," I screamed as I ran in place. I wish that and the whole saying "NGAH-NGAH-NGAH!" thing was trying to be funny, but honestly it wasn't. Unless any of my female fans are reading this, in which case, isn't it manly of me to be making jokes when a crushing is imminent? Doesn't it just make you wanna get naked, photograph it and send it to:

Deadpool

PO Box 174

New York, New Yo-

Why, oh why, did I say that instead of moving and not being smashed by this guy? Gawd, its like a truck full of oil and half-melted cheese fell on me. Worse, I'm pretty sure my head is under his crotch. I swear, I'll never swat a fly again. Unless its annoying or a girl is in my apartment.

Dang, this is serious! I guess injuries won't kill me, but can I still suffocate? If I believed the virgins thing, I might take this opportunity to find out, but I don't wanna be compost just yet. I still never saw the last episode of Friends, and I just can't leave it unseen. So, I take out one of the swords and stab what's either a leg or a really big tube of cookie dough. Blob says something, but the tons and tons of fat and genitalia on my ears muffle it too much. Given the fact he sounds gleeful and isn't getting the hell off me, he's probably reminding me about his being impenetrable.

This calls for drastic measures.

One of my arms is free up to the elbow, so I grab something nearby and toss it skyward. If I'm right...

Great success! He squeals and jumps up, holding his heinie, or as much of it as his hands allow.

"What the heck was that," he screams.

"Your guess is as good as mine. But it hit the not-so-sweet spot, so thats good enough for me."

Blob grunts and pulls it out from the real Savage Land. "Its a piece of concrete. You threw a piece of concrete into my butt!?"

"Guilty. Oh, PLEASE tell me it was nothin' but net!"

"You jerk! If I weren't wearing this uniform, it would have gone in!"

"If you hadn't been wearing the uniform, I'd have opened a vein under there. By the way: just because you can't see your man-parts anymore doesn't mean they don't need washed! Seriously, it smelled like old peanuts and KY!"

"Do you ever shut up!?"

"I'd like to, but since I'm the narrator, I can't."

"Narrator? What are you talking about?"

"Its all a guy at his computer, Blobby, m'boy. Look, see him? The guy typing this in one tab and looking at naked pictures of the Green Goblin in another."

I am not looking at Green Goblin!

"Who was that?"

"Hey, hey! The forth wall only breaks from one side, pal, and it ain't yours! You stick to writing this terrible story and I'll stick to being words on monitors, you feel me?"

'You feel me'? That was lame.

"Hey, you're the one writing a fan fic."

Touche.

"SHUT UP!! You killed The Doctor, Deadpool. That means you ain't Deadpool anymore. Soon, you'll be just 'dead'!" Heh-heh. That was kinda funny about being just dead. Maybe he'll tell me another joke while he bleeds in the street. I got my swords out and I'm ready for him! He can't fall on me again (say, what happened to all those shattered bones and ruptured organs from a second ago?), which means I just gotta KO him, kill him somehow or escape. Easy. I hope.

Blob gets a running start and then throws himself on his side, rolling at me. I turn and run, but for the first time in my life, a fat guy is outrunning me. "JANE!! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!"

So gang, your old pal Deadpool is in a bit of a jam. How should I handle this mess? Should I, A) try to get this guy off my trail using not quite deadly but still fun methods, B) see how long it takes to burn through seven tons of Crisco, C) talk to him and see if maybe he'll turn or D) end this stupid story because its awful and a lot of people don't even know who I am. Keypads are in front of you, we'll have the results after these messages.

♪Weenie burgers are so much fun to eat/ If you look real hard, you might even find some meat!♪