One or two deaths a day is enough for me

Ya know, other than this whole trying to crush me thing, Blob isn't such a bad guy. He kept the Schnauzer from jumping me before the mission and explained about everyone. Really, if he wasn't trying to roll over me right now and if I wasn't running through downtown in a costume singing the Indiana Jones theme at the top of my lungs, I wouldn't mind having a post-mission drink with him. Especially since my Pool-y Sense tells me he knows where to find the bars with good food.

Aw, hell. Why must I be so soft-hearted? I drop a grenade and just as he rolls over it, it blows, sending him up and over me, crashing down onto the street and rolling toward the river. Those special 'Rection X explosives pack more whollop than ol' granny-Pool's moonshine!

"YOU SUCK, DEADPOOL!!!"

"All in a day's work! Wait, no, TAKE-BACKS, TAKE-BACKS!! I didn't say that!!"

"Yes you did!"

Dammit. Can't believe thats gonna be my sound bite for this little adventure. If I'd killed him, at least nobody would laugh at me. Speaking of which, some guy, black, teenager, is coming up to me.

"Hey, man. Are you, like, a superhero and shit," he asks.

"I just threw a grenade at a guy and tossed concrete up his ass. What do you think?"

"I guess not. Was he a hero?"

"Jeez, kid, not everyone in a costume can be so easily classified! I'm kind of a fly trapped on fly paper and he was more like a big fat-assed tool who didn't like that I wasted his boss. What a brown-noser, am I right?"

"You killed someone!? Damn, man, you ARE a villain!" Wow, even the feminists who sometimes hassle me never called me a villain. "Hey, man, check this out. Can I be your henchman, man? I straight POP Spider-Man, man! KA-BLANGO!"

"Yeah, your way-off interpretation of a gun being fired aside, I'm not a villain and I'm not looking for underlings without nice racks." I walked away, leaving this anonymous kid to drown in the sorrow at having been rejected by the great one when a little voice whispered in my ear.

"static ..dpool? Agent Deadpool?"

".....God?"

"Sorry, no."

"Grammy?"

"Not even close. This is Jack Hammer."

"Jack Hammer? I think you want Moe's Tavern, kid."

"I was the guy with the doctor at 'Rection X. You probably don't remember me."

"Ooo, you're good! Hey, wait a minute. You didn't capitalize 'doctor', did you," I asked.

"What? Look, I found your frequency in the database of 'Rection X and I need to tell you something."

"uh, I think maybe you should tell this to someone who'll be more supportive! Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just don't know you well enough to not laugh at you and call you Ms. Likesadick."

"I'm not coming out! I'm.."

"In denial? Very."

"Listen! Blob isn't down yet. He's sneaking up on you."

"Okay, now I know you've been raiding your uncle's secret, no cops allowed garden. That guy, sneak up on me? He's massive and can't twiddle his thumbs without affecting the Richter Scale," I laughed.

"If you say so. Just don't look behind you."

"Okay."

No sooner did I not look behind me then a giant marshmallow-like hand grabbed me by the scruff of my scalp and lifted me off the ground. Damn, that guy was right. It was the good advice that I just didn't take. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

"Deadpool, can you still hear me!?"

"For the last time, voice in my head, making love to the salad bar at Golden Corral is wrong!"

"Good. I can tell you how to beat him, but you have to trust in me!"

Well, it couldn't be worse than having my head smashed by the man who even Richard Simmons didn't believe in. "We'll see. For now, just talk."

"Do you still have any grenades?"

"Yeah, one that goes boom and two flash."

"Throw the flash in his eyes and throw the explosive behind you after letting it bake for two seconds."

"Por que?"

"You won't get hurt. Just do it."

What the hell? I tossed the flash bang over my shoulder, which blew and got Blob to drop me. I would have figured that out on my own! Really! But what was the other one for?

That dirty weasel!! The boom-grenade just blew up behind me and sent me flying through the air. Well, me, minus most of my back! Owie.

"YAAAAAA-HOO-HOO-Hoo-eee!!" Crunch!!

Ugh...Hey, wait. A grenade just blew up my spine and I'm fine enough to worry about having landed head-first in a garbage can. My legs can even flail comically! At the risk of sounding ungrateful for not being a vegetable right now, what up with that?

"Smooth, Deadpool. Uh-oh, he's coming. Hide!" I got my legs in the can, thanks to the month of gymnastics mom made me go to, while outside the sidewalk rumbled under the footsteps of my current second-least favorite agent or 'Rection X. Stupid Wolverine. But they too shall pass and they did and I got my fine ass out of the trash.

"Deadpool?"

"...what?"

"You're alive. Cool. I think we should meet up somewhere. I have something to tell you, and you're not gonna like it."

"Look, I already know about the whole being married to Reed Richards thing. I made my peace with that several minutes ago."

"Worse. Come up to the rooftop of the building I'm on and I'll explain it there."

"Which one is that?"

"Look up." I looked around at the empty rooftops. Am I really buying this? There's nobody up there, I'm probably just crazy or dying under Blob's juice crew or something.

Oh my Gawd. He's waving at me. That stupid little...I make my way up to him. He's a little guy in a big world with big glasses and a big empty black book.

"What happened to your costume," he asks. No "hi", no "I'm whoever, here's why i helped you", no "wanna beer", nothing.

"Depends. It either got a wicked case of road rash or, I dunno...lets say it happened when Blob hit me."

"...whatever."

"Say! You're that little weaselly guy with the doctor from before!"

"Yes, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call me weaselly."

"No prob, weasel-ish! So what's with the assist? uh, that I totally didn't need," I inquire, leaning on one of those metal spinny things.

"I used to be the doctor's personal assistant, which is just what he called his lackey who wasn't good enough to be an agent." This isn't gonna turn into a flashback, is it? "When you clipped him, I lost my job. So, I owe you."

"Hm. You can pay me back with some of the porn on that laptop."

"uh, w-what porn," he asked nervously.

"You can't fool me, weasel-like. If you don't have porn on there, I'll eat my costume." I came closer and he shrank back.

"I-I don't. And you're getting off the subject. I'm trying to tell you that all of 'Rection X other than me is gunning for you!"

"Yeah, sure, I'll pick up a gallon of milk, whatever. How 'bout that porn?" Wait. "Wait again. All of them are after me?"

"All but me."

Those two girls, the ones who were so enamored with me before wanted me dead. Does that mean I'll have to kill them? Its a shame to waste a beautiful woman, but you can't use them if you're dead. Maybe I won't have to. Maybe I can think of a way for them to join me! We'll be Deadpool and his Merry Maidens, starring Wade Wilson as Deadpool! Siryn and Copycat as the harem! And this weaselly guy as the bungling virgin wacky neighbor! We'll be on longer than The Simpsons! Which may actually not be that great.

"Deadpool?"

"Yeah?"

"Blob has probably called for backup. We should get going."

"We? Unless you're gonna give me one of those neat remote-control video game things, there ain't no we."

"But I just saved you."

"You hastened my escape. Slightly."

"See? I'm helpful. And I think like you, but faster."

"Faster is always better. Fine, but there are some rules. First, you take my cheesy puffs, I take your life. Second, when I make those X-Girls realize they love me, you don't get to touch. I'll see about hooking you up with someone in the Power Pack."

"No thanks."

"I wasn't asking if you wanted to be hooked up with someone in the Power Pack. By gum, you're GONNA get with one of those children of the corn!"

"Maybe this was a bad idea...."

"Third, you're an intern. And lastly, new rules can be added at any time and if you gimme any lip, I'll rip it off."

"I changed my mind, I'm just gonna go..."

"Oh, no you don't weaslich. Once you go 'Pool, you might end up cool."

"At least let me help you work on your lame catchphrases."

"No dice."