Physical Rarities

“Alright, you take one of them out and take a bike. It’s gonna be really hard to keep it up when the elf girl stops riding it,” Jenny began before laughing at her own innuendo. “Alright, alright. They’re coming toward us now.”

“I got it!” John said, activating Magic Rope, wrapping it around the torso of the biker on their left, and pulling as hard as possible. The result was both their and their enemy’s bikes nearly toppling, though only the latter did. John leapt off and rightened it using Move. Jenny sailed into the distance as John landed next to the bike.

Apparently, all the crash had done was make her angrier. She stood up on her spear, which slowly shrunk into a rapier. “Rivvil vel'uss zhah waela! dosst vlos zhah morfel de' niar lueth dosst ilhar zhal'la inbal elggen dos! el dalhar!” she pounced toward him, and he intercepted her with a Mana Construct buckler. Her combat looked more like a dance, and he could hardly keep up. He tried to disarm her with Gun-Kata, but she was just too fast. John used Theft to try to steal her sword.

Error! Theft is not a high enough level to steal equipped weapons!

“Dosst zotrethe satiir saph natha hwesta pholor natha erth'netora's tangi! dos react n'nehr queelas taga ussta ilhar's cressen z'hren.” John’s health was slowly whittling down with each barely deflected blow. Charging up a Fist with one hundred mana, he activated Sip the Mana, preparing himself for the air of dread that came along with it. She faltered when the dead zone fell over them, and that was his chance to punch her right in the gut. She raised her sword just in time, and it was broken in two. The **** blew her back several feet, and John took that chance to get on the bike and rocket off.

As he throttled the bike to full speed, he felt a tug on the back wheel. “How is that even possible!” John exclaimed as he noticed that she was clinging to the back tire.

“Usstan orn'la naut tlu g'jahallus ji pi'rescho shu caluss!” came her response as she started pulling herself up. The leather armor she was wearing torn at places from dragging along the ground at high speeds, John could see her breasts clearly.

“You will get off the motorcycle and walk the rest of the race,” he said, activating Charm. The whites of his eyes shone a dull bronze, and her fingers slowly released the vehicle. The last thing he noticed before he stopped looking back was her nipples harden.

The first thing he noticed upon looking forward was Jenny trying to deal with the remaining two Nightsisters. “Jenny,” he called out, “use Charm! If mine worked, yours definitely will!”

John pulled up next to her as the ground fell out from under them. As his bike started to careen downwards, he heard the announcer’s voice rang out.

“Well, well, well! Looks like all the racers still in the game have made it to the first obstacle! The Blurrrr is just reaching the end of it, one of the Phoenixes spun out, and Doc Brown has disappeared entirely. The Muscle Man has escaped the deadly claws of the Nightsisters, only two of which remaaiiin. The mystery racers just commandeered another bike, and now it’s them against a Nightsister each. Let’s watch.” The road bounced him back up, and only by some miracle of Move was he able to make sure he and Jenny landed their bikes successfully. The two Nightsisters touched down roughly, but stayed straight either due to some form of skill or sheer luck. My mana reserve is at just above half. I have to be more conservative.

The road jiggled under them, and gravity seemed to cancel out as they sunk back in and bounced back out. Non-Newtonian road. Does that mean the laws of physics don’t apply? Less gravity? How consistent is it? John’s wisdom kicked in as the moon-like gravity left him in the air. He felt a spike of pain in his side and saw that one of the Nightsisters had extended her rapier back into a spear and begun thrusting at him. “You will stop attacking me and quit the race.” The Nightsister’s eyes glazed over, but the spell was too low a level to stop her rage as she was attacking him. He used Advanced Spy on her as she reared back for another attack.

John’s only option was to burn more mana by blocking her attacks with another shield of Mana Construct. This time he formed a kite shield, which worked well in blocking her attacks. The downside was that, when they landed, they were back on solid ground and he couldn’t steer very well with one hand. Jenny seemed to be doing much better, as the Nightsister that had been assaulting her was left in the dust.

“Jenny, can you help me out here?” John begged, slowing down slightly so that the Nightsister, who was about to ram into him, overcompensated and instead rammed into the traffic barrier on the side of the road.

“Let’s just catch up to the guy in the red muscle car! I need to recharge a little,” Jenny replied, and they went forward full throttle.

“Alriiiight. Everyone still in the race has cleared the first obstacle. So far we’ve lost three Nightsisters, but the leader of the pack remains. And now a word from our sponsor!” For the first time, John noticed the floating cameras rushing along and capturing every moment of their race. A giant screen illuminated the dank faux-city streets, and his face appeared on it.

“Don’t want to be pasty and pale like this teenaged human? Try Tan Linez! Tan Linez use their patent-pending flame and biomancy magic to roast your skin to just the perfect shade for you! Perfect for charming the girl you’ve been going after or lying that you’ve been spending so much time at the beach! Tan Linez! Ditch that farmer’s tan and get some Tan Linez today! Warning:TanLinezisnotresponsbileforanydamagetoyourbodyorsoulduringourtanningprocessifyouareoldyoungmalefemalepregnantoralivesideeffectsofTanLinezincludesubdermalburningitchinganddeath.” John’s insulted face appeared just after the cute graphic of a couple smiling satisfied with realistic tans for no more than a second.

I wonder if I even can get a tan anymore, with Gamer’s Body and all, John thought as he followed Jenny to the sweet ride ahead of them. “I think we judged too quickly, Jenny! There’s no reason for this guy to help us!” John yelled over the wind. “He’s competing against us just as much as they were!”

“I don’t think we have much of a choice, I need to recharge,” Jenny replied, pulling up next to the red ride. The driver looked exactly like a human man. His appearance was almost too perfect. The brown leather jacket over the black leather vest that covered his chest completely lacked wrinkles. His slacks were the same. Not even his eyes displayed life, glowing faintly and locked onto the road. His cigar puffed along with him, and as the man turned to them, John saw he wore an eyepatch.

“You two are interesting.” There was emotion in his speech - or some emulation of it - but the metallic, robotic sounds coming out of his throat made it clear he was some sort of android. John used Advanced Spy on him.

“What say we team up and conquer this race together? Indeed, I believe we have a fair shot if we do this right!” Robert said, and John watched as the last Nightsister approached. Robert stuck his hand behind, and the human palm fell away to reveal the black metal underneath. An orb of electricity shot out behind them, and the Nightsister couldn’t dodge it. Her motorcycle took the hit and immediately started sputtering.

“This leaves the Phoenixes and that Doc Brown between us and The Blur. What a cheater the second is. He always disappears straight after the first obstacle and appears just before the race finishes. Despite all that, he doesn’t get disqualified for using teleportation magic! The gall!” John refrained to mention how the android had just technically used a ranged weapon, unless that was some sort of weird magic. He did notice that when the shot was fired, a small piece of the robotic man’s health had gone down.

As they drove to meet the Phoenixes, David materialized on John’s arm. He looked raring to go, his chest puffed out and his feathers riled. As the Firebirds came into view, John saw why. As if on cue, three flaming birds with scarlet plumage dove from the sky.